This is a corollary and continuation to the Introduction of this blog. To summarise the introduction: everybody wants to have their say, and the vast ocean of personal blogs in the world wide web seems to be expressing the same desire; however, who is truly listening, to understand and engage in a meaningful way?
Let's go further now, and ask, what if one was truly listening, just to listen? Listening for the purpose of listening. What does that mean? That there is no agenda or purpose for the listening, save for that of listening. There is no purpose (not even to understand and engage, so there truly is NO purpose except this moment's act of listening) - what happens then? There will first probably be no inspiration to rush in to say anything to the other by way of advice or opinions or thoughts or comments or suggestions.
When can there be no other agenda except that of listening? There actually seems to be no sphere of everyday human functioning where this listening is happening consciously. There are of course special circumstances when this may be taking place (or at least the intention for this type of listening is present). One obvious circumstance is that of counseling and psychotherapy besides other specific groups and spaces which may be looking at such a way of engagement, perhaps as part of a larger exploration of living meaningfully.
So when can there be no motivation to change the other through advice and comments and reactions and responses? For if we examine with care, we will see that all our advice to others is almost always in the realm of changing and reforming the other. We want to change them such that they can see the light, the same as we are. The way they are seeing it and / or not seeing it, and / or seeing darkness, and / or something else entirely, are situations somehow not acceptable to us. And it is not acceptable to us, because each of us have our frames of reference and contexts that we think from, and have already decided that our ways of thinking and doing are right and the other wrong and thus pass judgment and give labels. I am also acutely aware that there is a huge jump in the earlier sentence and there are a lot of steps to be taken before we get to this point in the inquiry. Also, the passing of judgment is not necessarily with vicious intent or even emphatically stated; it is part of the conditioning that we pick up and internalise consciously and unconsciously through culture, society, our parents first, then extended family, teachers, friends, and so on. For instance, "Don't cry like a girl" is an oft repeated statement, and this may be defended by saying that it is just a casual comment and / or said lightheartedly. However, we need to stay with the statement and see why it is even there. This is simply one example of how judgments are present in everything we choose to think, do, not think, not do and so on. An important aspect to consider is that these insidious judgments are turned on ourselves also - that is, when I have a judgment about another person, it is for sure that I have that judgment on myself. And this will work in such hidden ways and manifest as convoluted knots that would leave one stupefied and sometimes wondering, "What the hell was I thinking, doing such and such a thing?!". To give a simplistic example, if I carried the above judgment, "dont cry like a girl", I may then be someone who would hate to cry . And hence, every time I feel like crying I would judge myself to be a wimp (just like a girl - a whammy there: crying is wrong / wimpy, girls cry, girls are wrong / wimpy), and try to suppress it. Either I succeed in suppressing it all the time, and like a pressure cooker, its going to burst some place some time, or, I may end up punishing myself covertly and unconsciously each time I cry or want to cry, or do both, suppress and punish*. It could go further: the earlier sequence of thinking may not end with 'girls are wimpy', but take a jump and say 'boys are not wimpy'. This may manifest in a girl being / behaving like, a "tomboy" for instance. We will not go further with all the implications of this one judgment.
However, the above was to see how our judgments are playing all the time when we are supposedly listening to someone else^. Much of our listening to the other, happens with this clamour going on inside our heads. And each time we offer a piece of advice, interrupt with a solution, give a shout of appreciation and so on, we may very well be answering to the clamour inside rather than engaging with the person in front of us.
I also think that this entire self-feeding cycle of having so much to say, and listening but not listening has its beginning and roots in our childhood. How many of us listen to children in this manner, without imposing our selves on them? Much of society and cultures see children as clay to be moulded and trained in particular ways. If we were to listen to children without the clamour inside, that in itself would be demonstration enough for them, one would think. Many of us are still the children that we were, wanting to be listened to fully. So this takes us back to the question, when and how can we listen to the other without this motivation to change the other, from a space of no judgment?
For me, this practice starts with my earlier question about listening without imposing my self. All the clamour inside is part of my self. How can I allow the noises of my self to subside and make room for the sounds coming from the other, so that I can truly listen to them? That is the practice**. I also see that it is not possible to force the self-noise into silence. There is another piece that speaks of how training and controlling is a cruder form of disciplining that has its limited context and necessity. One could follow a more meaningful form of self discipline, wherein, the disciplining is a journey of self discovery** and we discover the patterns of our judgments and understand our selves better. And that journey of discovery is also the journey of transformation. And also the journey of truly listening, and discovering the other - because in a paradoxical way, the journey of self discovery allows the self (noise) to dissipate, giving us a chance to recognise the other, and perhaps also see that the other is not different from the self.
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* That many of us ("normal", mentally stable persons) punish ourselves for many of our perceived mistakes and judgments and so on is a known psychological phenomenon, and there are several studies on self-punishment.
^ To look at this matter as one's judgments interfering with true listening is one perspective, one view of the scene. There would be other ways definitely; other views of the same scene.
** This is also the practice and journeying in the path of Yoga
Let's go further now, and ask, what if one was truly listening, just to listen? Listening for the purpose of listening. What does that mean? That there is no agenda or purpose for the listening, save for that of listening. There is no purpose (not even to understand and engage, so there truly is NO purpose except this moment's act of listening) - what happens then? There will first probably be no inspiration to rush in to say anything to the other by way of advice or opinions or thoughts or comments or suggestions.
When can there be no other agenda except that of listening? There actually seems to be no sphere of everyday human functioning where this listening is happening consciously. There are of course special circumstances when this may be taking place (or at least the intention for this type of listening is present). One obvious circumstance is that of counseling and psychotherapy besides other specific groups and spaces which may be looking at such a way of engagement, perhaps as part of a larger exploration of living meaningfully.
So when can there be no motivation to change the other through advice and comments and reactions and responses? For if we examine with care, we will see that all our advice to others is almost always in the realm of changing and reforming the other. We want to change them such that they can see the light, the same as we are. The way they are seeing it and / or not seeing it, and / or seeing darkness, and / or something else entirely, are situations somehow not acceptable to us. And it is not acceptable to us, because each of us have our frames of reference and contexts that we think from, and have already decided that our ways of thinking and doing are right and the other wrong and thus pass judgment and give labels. I am also acutely aware that there is a huge jump in the earlier sentence and there are a lot of steps to be taken before we get to this point in the inquiry. Also, the passing of judgment is not necessarily with vicious intent or even emphatically stated; it is part of the conditioning that we pick up and internalise consciously and unconsciously through culture, society, our parents first, then extended family, teachers, friends, and so on. For instance, "Don't cry like a girl" is an oft repeated statement, and this may be defended by saying that it is just a casual comment and / or said lightheartedly. However, we need to stay with the statement and see why it is even there. This is simply one example of how judgments are present in everything we choose to think, do, not think, not do and so on. An important aspect to consider is that these insidious judgments are turned on ourselves also - that is, when I have a judgment about another person, it is for sure that I have that judgment on myself. And this will work in such hidden ways and manifest as convoluted knots that would leave one stupefied and sometimes wondering, "What the hell was I thinking, doing such and such a thing?!". To give a simplistic example, if I carried the above judgment, "dont cry like a girl", I may then be someone who would hate to cry . And hence, every time I feel like crying I would judge myself to be a wimp (just like a girl - a whammy there: crying is wrong / wimpy, girls cry, girls are wrong / wimpy), and try to suppress it. Either I succeed in suppressing it all the time, and like a pressure cooker, its going to burst some place some time, or, I may end up punishing myself covertly and unconsciously each time I cry or want to cry, or do both, suppress and punish*. It could go further: the earlier sequence of thinking may not end with 'girls are wimpy', but take a jump and say 'boys are not wimpy'. This may manifest in a girl being / behaving like, a "tomboy" for instance. We will not go further with all the implications of this one judgment.
However, the above was to see how our judgments are playing all the time when we are supposedly listening to someone else^. Much of our listening to the other, happens with this clamour going on inside our heads. And each time we offer a piece of advice, interrupt with a solution, give a shout of appreciation and so on, we may very well be answering to the clamour inside rather than engaging with the person in front of us.
I also think that this entire self-feeding cycle of having so much to say, and listening but not listening has its beginning and roots in our childhood. How many of us listen to children in this manner, without imposing our selves on them? Much of society and cultures see children as clay to be moulded and trained in particular ways. If we were to listen to children without the clamour inside, that in itself would be demonstration enough for them, one would think. Many of us are still the children that we were, wanting to be listened to fully. So this takes us back to the question, when and how can we listen to the other without this motivation to change the other, from a space of no judgment?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* That many of us ("normal", mentally stable persons) punish ourselves for many of our perceived mistakes and judgments and so on is a known psychological phenomenon, and there are several studies on self-punishment.
^ To look at this matter as one's judgments interfering with true listening is one perspective, one view of the scene. There would be other ways definitely; other views of the same scene.
** This is also the practice and journeying in the path of Yoga
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