Heart on Fire – Rukmini Paatti’s Obituary

The first feeling that I had yesterday, as I went to the ice-box and saw paatti lying still in it, was of a sinking and heavy heart. One more life from that precious generation gone; paatti is, was, around 93 years - this generation I mean. I hold it precious because elders I know from this age seem to live with a sense of fullness of life… complete, whole, seasoned lives. The following sloka comes to mind as I think of this phenomenon:

ॐ पूर्णमदः पूर्णमिदं पूर्णात्पूर्णमुदच्यते ।
पूर्णस्य पूर्णमादाय पूर्णमेवावशिष्यते ॥
ॐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ॥

Om Puurnnam-Adah Puurnnam-Idam Puurnnaat-Puurnnam-Udacyate |
Puurnnasya Puurnnam-Aadaaya Puurnnam-Eva-Avashissyate ||
Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih ||

Roughly translated, “That is complete. This is complete. From completeness, arises completeness. Removing completeness from completeness, only completeness remains. Peace. Peace. Peace.”

Granted that I didn’t see that much of Rukmini paatti in recent times. It had been in the 90s that I met her a lot, going to school with her granddaughter Sathya, one of my best friends from school.  And then for about a year or so between 1995 and 1997 I saw her for a few hours every day. Particular life circumstances made it such that I spent almost all my time besides school and sleeping hours, at their house for that time period. Then as we grew up, and supposed adulthood, its daily life and responsibilities took over, my visits got lesser and lesser.  

However, I never could forget her altogether. She made it so. I went over to visit them (paatti and thatha) in their lovely Mandaiveli house from time to time, selfishly just to get her sweet blessings. And she, peace be with her soul, never forgot to call and wish me every year for my wedding anniversary, a month earlier on the same date! Every year.  We would laugh about it, she’d say, ok I have it marked right this time, and then like clockwork call me a month earlier for my anniversary the next year.

This I will remember of her the foremost – her sweetness of speech.  In all the years that I have known her, I have never heard her utter one word that was harsh, or with ill-will.  The two instances that I do remember her starting to say something that was approaching negative, she stopped herself to say “but we don’t know what it is for them” and “we don’t know their circumstances”. 

A heart, so pure and innocent, was sending out the sweetest blessings for me and for others. Wholesome blessings with utter absence of any agenda, guile or self.  It was all between Perumaal (Lord Vishnu) and the receiver of the blessings. That she was simply the almost-invisible instrument, was the implicit feeling in the way she gave her blessings. I realise that my fervent prayer as I write this is for me to imbibe this quality of hers, while also laughing wryly at the irony that the prayer itself has so much self. Whenever I gave my obeisance in the traditional way, by doing namaskaaram and touching her feet (which was every visit, to hear her blessings of course!), she would just direct me to the altar as well every time. And say, “it all comes from there”.  

I will always remember her as so active, taking care of her household and everyone in such a lively manner. Not a stray moment around her, until the last couple of years when age took over Will I think.  She knew that I loved coffee, and the first thing she would do is to give me a cup whenever I visited. I always saw her taking care that all of us, Satya’s friends, or anyone else in her vicinity had eaten properly, and insist on this. Like many elders from that generation, she would remember the significant to the smallest life details that we tell her, and ask about them. The job offer. Daughter’s school. Shift to new city, are you settled. Cold and cough a month back, how are you now.  Didn’t you say painting was happening, is it over ... Such keen interest in the sense of well-being of people around that she would glean from all this apparently “just information”.   

It is this aspect of being able to serve the well-being of others that she seems to have held above all. Way back in 1992 I think, when I first started going over to their place, there'd been a time of water shortage in Chennai.  The water lorry came when I'd been there chatting with Satya. I helped with the activity of filling up many drums and pots and stocking up water and saw it through until the lorry left, and the work was over.  She never failed to mention this as her first introduction of me to anyone, for more than a decade.  I am pretty sure that it was this one instance that warmed her to me so much. 

It has been a couple of months now since I visited. When I mentioned regret that I hadn’t been able to see her one last time and get her aashirvaadam (blessings), Sathya sent me this message: “She really wasn’t talking the last 10 days. I would hold the memory of her as the active, loving person you know, with the natural simplicity of being that many of us aspire towards.” 

By the time the rituals were completed at home, and she was taken to the crematorium, her body had started shrinking rapidly, and face had started looking bird-like. As part of the ritual, coal was placed on her heart, ghee (clarified butter) was poured on it, and it was then lit. My heart was on fire. Her body was pushed into the incinerator.  The impermanence of this physical body and the permanence of some higher energy that it houses – Paatti and others of her generation seemed to be so much in touch with this, and so effortlessly.  Maybe it is this sensing that gave Rukmini paatti her pure and good heart and her simplicity of being. What more is this body for, if not this religion.

Sathya’s words are paatti’s truest essence - her religion of the heart. It is this picture of her I will carry in my heart forever, and this slokam as her life’s blessing:

ॐ पूर्णमदः पूर्णमिदं पूर्णात्पूर्णमुदच्यते ।
पूर्णस्य पूर्णमादाय पूर्णमेवावशिष्यते ॥
ॐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ॥

How can the Ordinary be Extraordinary?

How can the ordinary be extraordinary as well? Simply by the quality of one's attention.  I tried to immerse myself in it, when I encountered such an attentive quality recently. 

Scene: A moderately-big^ photocopying / DTP works-binding-printing establishment in the city.

At the outset, he was yet another young guy from a small town, come to the city for work. He looked it.  I waited for a while by the photocopier machine before he came to attend to me.  I had two entire books to be photocopied and he finished with two others before he came to me, although I had come earlier.  Some typical leg-tapping had begun at my end.  I had also by then slotted him, "he attended to the men first; he is so young, looks barely 20, he's going to mess up my photocopies; he's got a cell phone that he is constantly checking on, how usual!"  I realised later that although my initial impression of him being from a small town was correct, that was also a stereotyping that I'd indulged in.  

So initially when he started the machine for my work, I kept shifting from one foot to the other and checking my phone (to look at the time of course!). After about less than a minute of this, he turned to me and smiled and said (in Tamil*), "those two people had only a couple of papers each and so I finished theirs first."  

I was arrested by two things.  First, I was ashamed that I hadn't noticed this myself because I had been too caught up in my own typecasting.  Second, his eyes.  He looked right into my eyes, directly and openly.  He had such clear eyes, such depth and stillness in them. By this time, he had already tuned into his task again, and I tuned into him.  Really looked at him. And was thoroughly mesmerised by how he was doing what he was doing. He had in the beginning itself punched some keys on the keypad to indicate standard number of copies and page dimensions and so on.  (And I realised at this point that I had been watching all this like a hawk for any mistakes!).  Now I just started to simply watch. 

Since it was not a completely automated process, he had to key in something after the machine spit out the required number of copies of each page.  He had to turn to the next page, put it face down on the fibreglass top, and adjust its orientation before closing the lid and punching the keypad. This went on continuously.  After every few pages that were copied, the screen would have moved and changed angle because of the way he was tapping the keypad (on the touch-screen), and he would move the screen back to its original position.  In a while I saw that it was exactly after 10 pages that he did this.  (I dont know whether he kept count)  Every 2-3 pages, he would check the page number of the photocopies that had just come out and the page number on the original before flipping to the next page.  Open-flip-place-adjust-close-punch, Open-flip-place-adjust-close-punch, Check-Open-flip-place-adjust-close-punch... If ever I've seen mechanical work done in style, it was this instance.  He executed that whole sequence so gracefully, that the yoga practitioner in me saw a perfect, smooth, seamless and flowing vinyasa krama** in action.  It was utterly rhythmic and hypnotic. 

This was not all.

The pictures have been taken and put up here
with his consent

In the middle of this steady pulse, there was a stream of phone calls that he attended to.  I realised by and by that he was in charge of the shop's cell phone and he was handling enquiries!  He answered an irate caller who didn't know the location of the shop; I could hear the irritated voice asking for directions, standing more than 2 feet away.  He gave some rates and tariffs to another person. and so on.  Without missing a beat - in his hands, or his eyes or his voice and smile.  I mean, he was obviously not in the middle of a toothpaste commercial - he was not smiling actively, and yet his face was a restful smile.  

This was not all.  

He also seemed to be in charge of other things in the shop. He seemed to have in his purview, two new boys handling other machines in the shop, and he was instructing someone else to go and check up on one of them who has not had the requisite training yet.  He also at some point, asked the person at the neighbouring machine, to go sit on some computer and handle work there since that person had taken leave today.  I have no clue how he knew what was happening right behind him (maybe he was listening to everything happening around him), but just as a customer was going to go to that empty computer station, asking for some particular service, he turned and redirected her to someone else.  He was also completely aware of what was happening at the delivery counter and the finished jobs that were coming there to be stapled and handed over to the right person, after the payment was made. (The payment counter was exactly behind him and I was also sort of standing there). 

Some things that came to me later: I believe now that his eyes and how he looked at me the first time changed the quality of attention I was giving to the present moment, the task at hand and the people in the present moment (because of his own attentive quality). I also realised that early on, he had pointed out the obvious without any judgement of me, or any resentment, or chip-on-the-shoulder attitude; just a clear, non-attached statement. 

I had to take his autograph

His attention was everywhere in the shop I realised, and yet his attention was also on the minutest detail of the task in his hand.  How did he catch it otherwise - that one time when he flipped two pages together, he paused and corrected it. He continued his open-flip rhythm through to the end without losing himself to any one task or phone call or person.  He attended to all of it with a quiet confidence. What is yoga if not this? 

An ordinary day turned extraordinary for me, gave me a demonstration of Attention that I will carry with me for a long time to come, if not always. And transformed me in some inexplicable way. 

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* Our conversation happened in Tamil 

** Vinyasa krama in asana-pranayama practice is an intelligent, step by step progression / sequence, with synchronising breath and movement, towards a particular goal

^ What is moderately-big though? Beats me. 

How to Start and Keep a Habit

Almost everything is a habit.  Or becomes one.  Of course, the source is a value or intention or feeling or coping mechanism - any of the intangibles.  However they manifest over time as tangible habits.

So, how then can we start new ones and maintain them?  Almost all of us have starting trouble, and / or, once started, maintenance trouble. I certainly do.

One of the primary ways to start a new habit: Just start it.  I mean that.  If we start making lists, planning and scheduling, that means we are procrastinating. None of that.  I have learnt that I jut have to get down to business; no thinking about it.

Image from sporttechie.com

However, one technique that seems to help with starting a new habit / practice, is to do so with an event of some sort. This works for me because 'reverence' is a moving factor (for me). If I start a habit with an important event, or even a celebration, that will in some way almost sanctify the whole deal, and I am surer to revere the process and follow it.  And I think that this is an Indian trait.  Most ordinary Indians seem to be driven by faith in God, and hence starting something in the name of God is more guaranteed to continue.  This seems to work for me too, though not in the 'break-coconut-for-Ganesha' way* (although why not!).  For instance, the early hours before dawn breaks hold a special meaning for me.  For unexplainable reasons (and / or those reasons are not within the scope of this piece), those couple of hours are very sacred, and being awake at this time and doing whatever it is I am doing, becomes very important.  So I try and see if I can somehow, in some way, bring a new habit or some component of it into that space, until it becomes a actual habit.

It is also possible that starting a practice as part of an event makes it public and brings in a factor of accountability for some.  One could put this onus on oneself to make it known to friends, family or others who may be doing something similar, and hence make oneself accountable.  It is also true that one is ALWAYS accountable to one's self.

Now to keep that habit.  Over time, I have figured out some ways that seem to work for me.  There will definitely be other ways, and many more corollary ones that you will find or would have found en route. The following have helped me become consistent with, and make a new practice into a habit:

1) Pegging it with an older habit:  I find pegging to be infinitely helpful.  I link the new practice with an old habit.  One needs to take care that the older practice is something that one enjoys and it is not a chore or an obligation, or that it is a regular necessity that one doesnt even need to think about, to follow.  For instance, getting up and brushing teeth (if that is a confirmed thing for you of course). It has also helped me to peg related practices to each other, rather than completely unrelated ones.  For example, if you want to practice drinking more water, it would help to peg it with a food or water related habit or your movement in the kitchen (or wherever drinking water is, in your home / workplace), rather than pegging it with, say, checking eMail. But, whatever works.  It's interesting and insightful to play with this and see what kind of pegging works for you.

2) Starting small:  I have learnt the very hard way that the importance of small steps cannot be overemphasised.  In fact, I am still learning.  We seem to tend towards making grand plans, starting with a bang, intensely, and the initial energy and enthusiasm fizzles out the moment we hit an obstacle.  Or like a short distance running competition, the burst of energy burns itself out.  We need to think of this more as an ongoing marathon.  So, take small steps.  Dont give up on all the junk food you are having AND include lots of vegetables and fruits in your diet AND start stocking up on organic foods AND learning / trying out new millet recipes, all in the same week.  Perhaps concentrate only on including more vegetables and fruits - or better still, start just with including one fruit a day to what you eat.  You will slowly and automatically start making the adjustments to accommodate that one fruit.  One step at a time, and you will go a long way.  I rediscover this constantly!

3) An attitude of learning:  This may well be the hardest part.  If and when you slip from the practice, and mostly you will, take a breath, take a step in, and look.  At what's happening inside and outside.  What triggered the slip? How were you feeling just as you gobbled up that packet of chips? Later? It's easier said than done, but it needs to be said - it just will NOT help to play the self-blame game.  Self-flagellation is an indulgence of the trickster mind to keep you comfortable and lazy.  Give it a few long breaths (long exhalations), tell your mind "all is well" and that you're okay with some discomfort.  And you're on your way.  Until the mind tries a couple of new tricks.  An attitude of learning, and hence, watchfulness will help.

There are a couple of supportive situations that one can in addition create for oneself:

A) Preparation - I've got to prepare myself with the basics before I can go rock climbing.  Similarly, just check in with yourself to see if you are in alignment with what you want to start; you may well have to go with some intermediate steps and take it from there. (Its almost like another way of saying 'start small')

B) Environment - If you are trying to cut down junk food, it will help to clear the shelves of all junk food packets, and stay away from outings with people who you know will buy / consume junk stuff as part of the entertainment.  Stay away at least until the intention has become a habit.  You may find that you dont miss those outings much in any case.  It helps to constantly re-arrange your environment to suit the pursuit.

These are some start-offs that help me immensely whenever I am trying to start something new, and I keep discovering corollary or new ones all the time.  Happy Habitting!

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* In Hindu culture, it is deemed auspicious to start anything new or travel etc with Lord Ganesha's blessings, and this is typically done by breaking a coconut in front of the temple, and offering as prasaadam (sanctified / blessed by God)
  

What is Self Discipline

Self discipline is mostly defined as the ability to control oneself, wherein the 'oneself' takes its myriad shapes and forms, depending on who is saying it and the context - control feelings, control senses, controlling distractions and so on.  This is one level of truth; controlling these manifestations of the self does lead to some sort of a discipline in functioning.

What is discipline? It is defined in the crudest way possible as training to obey, through punishment and / or penitence.  This is one level of truth; most systems and spaces use this for maintaining law and order and agreed that this is necessary.  Penitence of course falls squarely in the space of self disciplining.

However, I see that control (controlling of the self) and training and punishment (towards disciplining) can only go so far and no more.  These meanings and actions can be used for immediate and urgent purposes and in not-stable states of being, however to continue with them as the standard for all times can only bring disaster. For, this brings in control and training from an external source in order to establish right action, and this is necessary in difficult times.  But this in no way ensures that transformation has occurred within and the inappropriate action will not be repeated.  Penitence, insofar as it is regret is fine and can be translated to action, but penitence as guilt is a non-starter and leads to a destructive cycle of self blame, judgment, negative labeling and non-action.

Following this meaning and context of self discipline all the time will actually defeat itself in the long run.  Training to control could be like training a dog or a horse and I can only visualise the animal straining at the leash, hurting itself, its throat.  Over time, the leash will fray; at some point the animal may turn and attack the trainer.  Gradually the animal may get trained to obey by way of punishment (and reward).  There is no question here of self thought, discovery and understanding*.  We do the same to ourselves.  We are our own puppets.  In this space and path of self discipline, we manipulate and destroy ourselves.  That self is becoming more and more contorted and twisted.

Photo taken at Nirkunram Campers near Chengalpet

A higher form of discipline takes off from the word, 'disciple', from being a disciple.  A disciple is a follower, devoted to something or someone.  In being a disciple, he thinks some thoughts, does not think others, follows some practices, eschews practices that does not help her in being a disciple and so on.  And hence he / she is on the path of discipline.  Does he / she slip?  Of course, yes.  He may indulge for a while in a practice that does not help the disciple in him.  She may not actively take up actions that are required for her to be a wholesome disciple.  But the context and framework for the self discipline is clear.

So, disciplining arises from a purpose.  Taken this way, I sometimes feel that all disciplining can only be self disciplining - be it any entity, an individual, a village, an organisation, a campaign... "What is that purpose?" that disciplining is arising from, is of course an entire domain of its own and worth an independent inquiry and space.

What will happen in this kind of disciplining is that, 'discipline' is removed from its shackles of being a station that one has to get off at, and becomes a journey of self discovery and understanding.  On this journey, the self is understood better and better, deeper:  Why are there some fears?  When is it that one is courageous?  When does one feel sad? When, happy? How does one act with others? Why do I think in a particular way? What makes one feel energetic? What makes me follow the path of discipline... and so on and so forth.

And then, when the patterns of the self start getting clearer and clearer, the road of discipline also gets sparkling clear ahead of oneself.  And this may include moments of a cruder form of self discipline, may include times of indulgence or violation and so on, however one can be back on the road, or perhaps is still on it and playing hooky. There is then the process of penitence and prayaschittam, in their higher forms, all in the path of self discovery (disciplining).

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*  It of course is an assumption that one actually wants all that in the first place - authentic thought, discovery and understanding; however we are looking at a meaning of self discipline that will sustain, and that sustenance includes these ideas.

One Breath at a Time

A popular cafe chain advertises saying, a lot can happen over a cup of coffee.  Much, much

Image from sentimetalico.blogspot.com

 more can happen in the space of one breath.  Think why: when one is angry or agitated or stressing big time about something, one of the first instructions given is: "Take a deep breath." And a yoga teacher may follow it up by saying, "now, release it s-l-o-w-l-y, feel it leaving your body and empty yourself completely, now pause." 

What happens when you take a deep breath? 

Normally, we are not even aware of breathing.  We go through the days and activities, mostly breathing unconsciously.  It is only in not-normal or not-collected situations that one becomes aware of one's breath - dashing madly to catch the train, surprise or shock, occasionally even while excited about something.  These are the times when there is an adrenaline rush in the body and the breath starts coming faster. Imagine, the heart has to start beating fast and our lungs have to work overtime in order for us to take note; we are in such a race, chasing after all the good things that life has to offer.  The breaths hasten and trip over each other and lessen life span and quality. It is a known and understood fact that creatures with slower breath rates live longer. The elephant, for example. Dogs on the other hand huff and puff and pant and have a much shorter life span.  The respiration rate is also connected to heart rate and health.  Shorter, quicker breaths usually means that the respiratory process would not be supplying oxygen in a steady and consistent manner to the heart.  As a result, the heart muscle would be pumping extra in order to distribute the not-steady and not-consistent supply of oxygen and get enough of it to the other muscles in the body.  This definitely has a negative impact over oxygen intake and health of the heart, thus robbing the body of strength and vitality.  It is obvious that this would be followed by reduction in quality of functioning in more ways than merely in physical health.  It may just not be directly evident that the decreased quality of life is because of the way one is breathing. 

However, the opposite is evident - that better breathing, meaning slower and deeper breathing, definitely and tangibly increases well-being and quality of life.  Anybody who has been on a correct aasana-praanayama routine (by correct I mean, movement with the right breathing) for a few months even intermittently, will agree with the previous statement even if it is with some hesitation or doubt. Given a couple of years of consistent practice, he / she will emphasise the connection of breath to quality of life.  

Indian tradition calculates a being's life span by the number of breaths and this can be done by taking into account the respiratory rate. Our ancients say that the person is given her number of breaths even when she is born.  This means that one's life span can actually be stretched - by increasing the length of breath.  And this is also perhaps why popular idiom in Indian culture has statements like, "you gave me such a scare and have taken away 10 years of my life."  A scare would mean adrenaline and breath coming in gasps.  

So, how does one actually do this, increase one's life span and quality of life?
One breath at a time. 

Imagine you have to take just this one breath now, this breath will save your life. As you inhale slowly, your lungs and hence chest expands, the diaphragm is pushed down, and you feel the energy nourishing your body.  Then you start emptying your body of air, right from your stomach.  The abdomen gets pulled in and the diaphragm moves up again.  Your body slowly exhales and once you empty completely, you pause. You feel the lightness and the unhurriedness.  Just one breath at one time.  You can move to the next by and by.  The following will happen when you continue doing the same: 

- Your breathing will slow down (obviously!) 

- Your heart rate will slow down

- Your breathing and heart beat will discover your natural, free rhythm - the one that will feed a consistent and steady supply of oxygen to the body

- As you keep at it, YOU will slow down

- You will find your fight or flight reaction fading away gradually, and your free, natural responsive (responsible) self taking over, in time 

- The more you are able to respond, more you will breathe right, hence creating a positive and regenerative cycle of action 

And so, when you take that one deep breath, you will feel the essence of the space and quality of one breath and you will catch a glimpse of the process it would unfold.  And then, you may (could) continue practicing, one breath at a time.