Climate Change

Pic by Guillermo Ferla on Unsplash

Girivalam Diary, 10th August 2021

Many legs walking along,
In this cool and pleasant morning.
Leisurely paces, firm gaits,
Trailing fire.
Hot and cold all at once.
Every eye encountered;
_a reflection of restfulness
Holding tiredness, and watchfulness.
As if a battle has been fought,
And crossed over.
Not of defeat or victory though.
We can only speak of relationships.
And intimacy.
With the self and the other.
With viruses.
Even the warrior
On a closer look-
though holding shield and sword
Is doing so with a smile,
Held by his backdrop
Of sky and mountain.
Soreness and tiredness,
Held in a gentle perception
of the centre
that seems to hold it all.

It's safe here
to encounter rage,
It is seen and held,
And subsides.
It's safe here
to encounter fear,
It is seen and held,
And subsides.
It's safe here
to encounter pleasure and aversion,
Joy and sorrow.
All seen and held,
Subsiding.
It's safe here
to glory in love and freedom.
There is a courage
that can arise out of such restfulness.
The perception of the largest
And deepest context
That one can hold,
And be held in.
There is no way ahead,
nor a map.
But this path
Shines around the centre.
Earth moves around the sun,
Twirling around her axis,
In joyous abandon.
How to dance the dance,
Will be revealed
As she dances
in cosmic rhythm.
This moment too will pass.
And the sea tides will rise
With the moon.
And subside again.
And life will go on.
Outer climate faithfully reflecting,
The inner. 

Dog Next Door

Its been 30 days now.....

I see him every day;

Pic by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Its just not that I see him,
I SEE him
as he barks,
when someone comes to the kitchen window -
asking for attention.
I see him,
as he barks,
going round and round -
he wants to be let out to pee.
I see him,
as he barks and makes a racket with his bowl -
he is hungry.

More than anything,
I see him
as he barks for acknowledgement,
and the people in his household
go about their chores,
emotionless, ignoring,
as he stands outside
waiting to be let in.
To be freed.  

I call to him-
a pause in the hoarse barking.
he cocks his head as he looks at me,
Unseeing-
He goes back to his barking.
I wonder,
does he recognise a friend,
and her acknowledgement?
He is trapped in man-made hell.
By a leash not more than a metre long;
In an enclosure of about 8 X 6 ft;
And "shut up" voices from the windows.
Voices with much clout,
that no neighbourly actions for help,
have helped.
It's the German Shepherd now.
It had been a Great Dane earlier.

I see me in him.
I see him in me.
How I can trap myself
in demons of my making.
High walls rising on all sides,
that I cannot see beyond-
Even a voice or a face,
from the next door balcony

Pic from spirit-animals.com

calling helplessly -
saying "You can help yourself"
"You are free"
falls on dead skin and deaf ears.
I wonder,
whether he knows his strength.
He just has to be his ferocious best.
He may get his freedom yet,
Alive, or dead.
I wonder,
whether like me,
he keeps his keepers too.
Comfortable with hoarse barking,
from an 8X6 enclosure,
tied to a short string.
What's beyond? 

Solitude

Blissful Solitude. 

Photo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPoP7Kk7vgU
(Dakshinamurthy Sthothram)

And yet for the most part,
the world shuns it,
And ridicules those,
Who don’t.

They are afraid,
terrified even.
Of Pain.
They are even more,
Terrified
Of encountering
the heart in Pain.
The broken, bleeding heart
Is no joy.
And there is nowhere to run
in Solitude.
Perhaps the world is wise.

Blissful Solitude.
That rips me apart,
sucks me dry,
holds me Down
with the Pain.
I have no words,
to describe this.
There is no more fighting,
nothing left to fight with.
Not even my heart,
Or so I think.

The peace treaty
brings a discovery.
In his ode to Dakshinamoorthy,
Sri Sankara says,
The great lamp shines through
many holes in the pot,
shedding light in all directions.
I climb over
to the other side of Pain.

Blissful Solitude.
Is a paradox.
It takes us deep.
into the forests,
up the mountain,
the deep sea…
Take your pick.
It takes us
to find the hearts in Pain,
for they hold the treasures.
But those treasures --
Solitude’s Blisses,
can only be savoured,
in their reflections
in the Other
When Solitude is lost.
And yet it is not.
Perhaps the world is wise.

What is Self Discipline

Self discipline is mostly defined as the ability to control oneself, wherein the 'oneself' takes its myriad shapes and forms, depending on who is saying it and the context - control feelings, control senses, controlling distractions and so on.  This is one level of truth; controlling these manifestations of the self does lead to some sort of a discipline in functioning.

What is discipline? It is defined in the crudest way possible as training to obey, through punishment and / or penitence.  This is one level of truth; most systems and spaces use this for maintaining law and order and agreed that this is necessary.  Penitence of course falls squarely in the space of self disciplining.

However, I see that control (controlling of the self) and training and punishment (towards disciplining) can only go so far and no more.  These meanings and actions can be used for immediate and urgent purposes and in not-stable states of being, however to continue with them as the standard for all times can only bring disaster. For, this brings in control and training from an external source in order to establish right action, and this is necessary in difficult times.  But this in no way ensures that transformation has occurred within and the inappropriate action will not be repeated.  Penitence, insofar as it is regret is fine and can be translated to action, but penitence as guilt is a non-starter and leads to a destructive cycle of self blame, judgment, negative labeling and non-action.

Following this meaning and context of self discipline all the time will actually defeat itself in the long run.  Training to control could be like training a dog or a horse and I can only visualise the animal straining at the leash, hurting itself, its throat.  Over time, the leash will fray; at some point the animal may turn and attack the trainer.  Gradually the animal may get trained to obey by way of punishment (and reward).  There is no question here of self thought, discovery and understanding*.  We do the same to ourselves.  We are our own puppets.  In this space and path of self discipline, we manipulate and destroy ourselves.  That self is becoming more and more contorted and twisted.

Photo taken at Nirkunram Campers near Chengalpet

A higher form of discipline takes off from the word, 'disciple', from being a disciple.  A disciple is a follower, devoted to something or someone.  In being a disciple, he thinks some thoughts, does not think others, follows some practices, eschews practices that does not help her in being a disciple and so on.  And hence he / she is on the path of discipline.  Does he / she slip?  Of course, yes.  He may indulge for a while in a practice that does not help the disciple in him.  She may not actively take up actions that are required for her to be a wholesome disciple.  But the context and framework for the self discipline is clear.

So, disciplining arises from a purpose.  Taken this way, I sometimes feel that all disciplining can only be self disciplining - be it any entity, an individual, a village, an organisation, a campaign... "What is that purpose?" that disciplining is arising from, is of course an entire domain of its own and worth an independent inquiry and space.

What will happen in this kind of disciplining is that, 'discipline' is removed from its shackles of being a station that one has to get off at, and becomes a journey of self discovery and understanding.  On this journey, the self is understood better and better, deeper:  Why are there some fears?  When is it that one is courageous?  When does one feel sad? When, happy? How does one act with others? Why do I think in a particular way? What makes one feel energetic? What makes me follow the path of discipline... and so on and so forth.

And then, when the patterns of the self start getting clearer and clearer, the road of discipline also gets sparkling clear ahead of oneself.  And this may include moments of a cruder form of self discipline, may include times of indulgence or violation and so on, however one can be back on the road, or perhaps is still on it and playing hooky. There is then the process of penitence and prayaschittam, in their higher forms, all in the path of self discovery (disciplining).

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*  It of course is an assumption that one actually wants all that in the first place - authentic thought, discovery and understanding; however we are looking at a meaning of self discipline that will sustain, and that sustenance includes these ideas.

What is Yoga?

A friend asked me to write a simple essay on "what is yoga?", 'simple' being the keyword. The following is an attempt:

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Today Yoga has come to mean many different things to many people.  It is a vast ocean that contains a plethora of different schools and styles of teaching.  The good news is that each of them seems to work and deliver results, for those who patronise them.  It is probable that there is so much tamas (lethargy) pervading all aspects of human life in these times - our lifestyles, the food that we consume, occupations, our recreation, that, when the body starts to move even a little bit, and we stretch hitherto unfelt muscles, and give ourselves that bit of quiet time and space, then no matter what Yoga we choose to call it, our bodies and minds seem to say “thank you” and sink into it.  

However, what is Yoga really?  Is Yoga only a set of aasanas and praanayaama (PY) breathing techniques to improve health?  Is one school of Yoga teaching a different Yoga from the other?  Is Yoga primarily to improve physical health, and thereby better the quality of life?

Let’s park these general questions for a bit and come to you and me.  What is Yoga to you?  What are your aspirations in life?  Do you want to be happy?  What does being successful mean to you?  Are you pursuing a passion with everything in you?  What is your purpose?  Do you feel that you need a purpose?  Are you in search of one?

Let me tell you a story.

The Breath Shoots the Arrow

Archery is a very ancient sport.  In Japan it is still practiced as an art very much in the same way as it was done many years ago.  The most important practice in this art is breathing.  One holds the big bow, notches the arrow, and bends the bow during the inhalation, holds the breath and waits calmly for the "perfect moment" when the arrow "shoots itself" and the breath comes out slowly.  The perfect shot is the one where the archer's breath is smooth and easy and his body shows no sign of strain throughout the shooting.  It took the archer years of practice before he could coordinate the breath with the shooting so that the whole movement was tranquil.  (- Raghu Anantanarayanan, Learning Through Yoga, Published by Krishnamacharya Yoga Mandiram, Chennai)

A sutra in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra states this as,    

                Prayathnashaithilya anantasamaapatthibhyaam | II.47

                Mindful action flows with effortless ease

Have you noticed the phenomenon that you would have been searching frantically for something, and you wouldn’t find it; you would find it at some other time when you were making no effort to search for it?  Effortless effort.  That is Yoga.

Yoga is to do with one’s entire life, and every thought, feeling and action in it. 

It is to do with our relationships with ourselves and the world. 

It is to do with how your breath changes when you get angry.

It is to do with how your voice softens and the lines of your body flow when you talk to a loved one.

It is to do with how weak or energetic your body feels at the end of the day. 

And more.

There is an outer self that is engaging with the world and its problems, with life, constantly.  This self is getting hit, hurt, falling, struggling, feeling happy, sad, jealous, and so on.  There is another self that resides in your inner space, watching all the drama of life.  This is the anchored and coherent self that is able to watch and listen, and provide the space for the external self to act intelligently.  If we allow it to. People catch glimpses of it or are made aware of it all the time. 

An artist may tap into that self inspired by nature, and create works of brilliance. 

A tragedy may open the lock for an ordinary person and enable her to act with spontaneous intelligence and empathy. 

Laughter and play with an infant may dissolve all residues of fears and insecurities for those precious moments, leaving a mother crystal clear to reflect her child. 

This inner self just observes, and is vibrant and wise simply on the strength of that non-judgmental observation.  When one becomes alive to deeper and deeper levels of this self and space, outward action is gathered, coherent and intelligent. 

Becoming alive to that inner self every moment, is Yoga.  Hence Yoga is not an end, but a journey, a process.  So where does aasana and praanayaama come into this?  It could be a start.  For, the physical body is one of the primary indicators of overall wellbeing.  And working with the breath is key to this process.  The breath is the subtle connection between the mind and body and through the breath each works on the other.  Why do we say “take a deep breath” to someone who is agitated?  A lot can begin to happen in that space of one breath.  And that "lot" can be the start of true yoga practice.  

"Work is Love Made Visible" - Khalil Gibran

It has always been so "nice" to hear this above quote (and others) of Khalil Gibran.  However I realised that I now wanted tangibility.  How is work love made visible? This had become especially important because I had seen how much of a struggle working has been for me.  Why have I not been able to work at all? I had always seemed to be bogged down by "externals", "logistics", what I think of as my incapacities - all of this had seemed to stop me from working, from being able to work. 

How is work love made visible? Love for what? I really wanted to work, but it had not been happening.  By work I mean any or all kinds of work, domestic, social, the work that I had chosen for myself as part of my career. Some one or more parts would be frozen over at any given point in time.  Much more than anything else, the official work had been stagnating. Because a home means dependents, the household had to be run; there is no question of stopping there, however that could also become mechanical in a not-vibrant state of being.  

So my thoughts of incapacities and fear of failure held me frozen.  How can I work like I wanted, knowing I may fail, knowing that I don't know enough to work? There had been a layer of excuses and reasons on the surface which had to be peeled off before reaching this question.  The top layer was made up of issues around the externals like operational problems, issues with coworkers, ups and downs of balancing multiple roles of life and so on.  It took a while before getting to the hidden fear of failure and thoughts of inadequacy.  This was a layer of truth that again had to be peeled off to reveal deeper truths. 

Between that first question, "How is work love made visible?" and the other questions centered around oneself, "How can I work knowing I may fail?" etc, lies the favourite theme of writer-philosopher Chaturvedi Badrinath.  A theme that recurs in much of his expression, and now I see why.  There is a struggle between those 2 questions.  Because each question is in a different language altogether.  One is that of history, and the other, that of transcendence.  The voice that tells me I have all these limitations is the language of my history and experience - the voice of my thought-belief-perception self.  The other voice and language is that of transcendence.  Of that inner being, inner self that is watching all the drama of life.  That inner self which is love, which is oneness of all creation. 

Which voice am I aligning myself with at any given moment?  This seems to be a quintessential human struggle.  Each has its gifts and consequences.  I had always said, "Of course, I really want to work". I want to align myself with this deeper, inner self of which I have glimpses and flashes when there is clarity, when the inner space seems to be lighted. That was intention.  But what of action?  Why had it never flowed through and manifested in action?  The question here for me was, why do I want to align myself with that inner voice, and why do I want to work? Because I want to be productive, I want to be efficient, I want to be able to write the truth, every single day, I want, I want... And with this want, my mind has quietly aligned itself with the voice of the limited self.  This is self-love.  And I don't mean this in a judgmental way.  It is self-love in that I am in love with my own perceptions; taken with my perceptions of the end results of a love being made visible through work, for example. Some toys and sweets and savouries that I will be able to get from the Mela at the end of the walk.  If I am actually present there with that end in my head, it pulls me deeper into self-love.  I am struck by fear, what if I don't get those toys there in the Mela? Maybe I should see what route others are taking, then I will go to the correct Mela.  This then leads to mental paralysis, and of course paralysis of action.  In being stuck in this self-love, there is no Yoga.  There is no flowing of that inner being, love.  With that sudden sight into the struggle, the message of the Bhagavad Gita, which we have made into a platitude - "dont think of the fruits, only put in your best work" takes on such meaning and significance. 

In Yoga, that inner self flows.  And I, the actor in the drama of life, completely align myself with that flow, and allow it to make of me what it does; allow it to season me.  This feels suspiciously like surrender to me.  Funnily enough, I felt that I have been reflecting on self-effort.  What is this paradox? It perhaps is both at the same time? And life goes on.  The stage is set.  The actor is out there and in here at the same time.  And I realise that the question, which voice am I aligning myself with at any given moment?, is not an either-or question that has a one-time solution.  It then becomes a constant and on-going conversation that I engage with at every step, and that is Yoga. And this ongoing dialogue also gives one spaces and possibilities to travel back and forth between those two languages, to straddle both and, their paradoxical nature notwithstanding, take even concrete steps with seemingly abstract ideas - faith, taking responsibility, action despite / with fear and any number of ways as there are beings.  Then what begins to happen is work manifesting as a consequence of the greater self, greater love.