A continued soliloquy on Living in the Present (I) - Accidents

The thought and phenomenon of living in the here and now is something that I have had a love-hate relationship with for a very long time now. Love, in moments like this when the awareness and practice of here and now is strong, and hate, when it pops up as a reminder after I had forgotten to live in the present for some length of time. Hate perhaps is an extreme word. Intense conflict and struggle, maybe. Consequently, I tend to draw threads from every conversation and situation to the idea of living in this moment. In my mind of course, for the most part. This series of posts about living in the present will share some of these rambling thoughts and insights.

I realised some time back that I am a menace to myself and the rider when I travel pillion on a two-wheeler. Perhaps because of the number of road accidents that I have directly and indirectly been affected by, I am always anticipating an accident and sitting on edge, literally and figuratively. This means that every time we hit a ditch, or I spot a speeding vehicle coming in the opposite direction, which is every other second, I dig into the shoulders of the person in front of me. I let out involuntary yelps at every sudden twist, turn, brake, loud honk, bike whizzing by too close for my comfort, narrow path that we may have to squeeze through, child or pup darting out, and anything else that deviates from a completely smooth, uneventful and boring ride. The best reaction (or worst, depending on how one looks at it) is the sharp and swift intake of breath that happens when it even remotely looks like we are going to hit another vehicle. There are a couple of things to be considered here. One, the fact that it looks like we may hit another vehicle is entirely subjective. Can a fact be subjective? Subjective fact. It sounds like an oxymoron. The other point is that the swift intake of breath just happens; it is entirely involuntary according to me. However, a long time front rider and sufferer begs to differ. How can a reaction just happen when it packs a wallop of accusation, indignation, fear and the worst kind of predictions all rolled into one?  And so an average ride may go yelp, dig, yelp, dig, hiss of breath, dig, yelp, mutter, complain, dig, yelp, hiss, dig…. And I of course always defended myself. I saw no problem in this and always blamed the road, road rage and irresponsible driving.

In one of my stronger and lucid moments, it struck me that I am making a cake of myself. What does it mean to be traveling sitting on edge like I do? So every time I yelp or dig, I am actually living in the past experience of an accident that I have been through or have seen. Every time I hiss or mutter, I am living in the future with a few broken ribs perhaps or worse. Which means that every moment on that ride is a moment in vain, in death actually. I am either living in the past or the future, and not in the here and now. What an irony. An irony because this actually leaves me completely vulnerable even if an accident were to happen at that moment because my mind is not present in it. What a whammy!

The sad truth is that the sum total of our experiences and habits are so strong that such an insight does not mean immediate transformation. It could mean that for some of course, but not for this struggling soul. However, the yelps have reduced considerably, the digs and mutters have been completely eschewed from the bike rides and every hiss of breath is mentally converted to a mantra. There is hope!