Life's Like This Too

Today's post is more of a personal journal entry than anything else. I had to share it because, well, life is like this. A blessing, and a perfect moment.

The night was pure torture. I simply wanted to sink into the oblivion of sleep and kept doing so. But the mosquitoes insisted on dragging me out of my heaven. Not just me, but my daughter as well. My 19-months old daughter is a trooper but even she can take only so far. So there we were scratching and slapping and tossing and turning, well into the night. The both of us. And I was also trying to insist that she go to sleep by patting and singing to her. I felt sure that she thought I was a nutcase.

I had had one of those melancholy conversations just before going to bed wherein one feels sorry for oneself and all that is happening to her. I had managed to put myself in a true blue funk. Life was an angry-sad sigh. Lying awake helped the funk along. Despite the mosquitoes.

This morning I got up drearily from my half sleep, and by sheer force of habit and a dogged will that I not lose my discipline yet again, pushed myself out of bed to do my asana and pranayama practice. My daughter had settled into an uneasy sleep and I check on her from time to time. One hour, the breath worked its magic, and I was ready to face the day.

Then one of my best friends brings me coffee right where I am and we sit down to a good old chat. A pleasant early morning breeze, two woodpeckers knocking away at a coconut tree, and a cruising lone crow give us company as we chat about books and work and indulge in some light gossip. 

By and by, my daughter's morning voice calls me, "amma-a" and I get my morning hug and cuddle. She is content to look at the world from my arms for the moment. I am content to have her there. And there is the sweet promise of the morrow bringing her father back into town with it. "Appa vanthu", as my daughter said today in anticipation of being with him.

Despite all that we make of it, life persists in being a blessing. All it needs is this perfect moment.

From Leo Babauta - How to Become Open to Life

I really liked the following article and hence sharing it here:

How to Become Open to Life

Keep your hands open, and all the sands of the desert can pass through them. Close them, and all you can feel is a bit of grit.’ ~Taisen Deshimaru

Post written by Leo Babauta.

In many ways, I close myself off to life in all its fullness. I close myself off to others, as a form of self defense.

It happens to all of us. When you left yourself open in the early part of your life, you likely would get hurt from time to time. That pain taught us to close ourselves off in different ways: don’t let others in, use humor to keep some distance, hurt others before they hurt you, back away from anything new, and so on.

I close myself off, and miss the world. I miss out on life when I do that.

And so I’m learning to become more open. It’s a slow process, but in many small ways I’ve learned a lot, and am much more open now than I’ve ever been.

What does it mean to be open? It means that I accept more of life without judgment, and am happier no matter what comes. It means I judge others less, criticize less, accept others more, and learn more about their wonderful particularity.

It means more than ever before I am fully experiencing life.

I’ll share a little about becoming open to life, and to others, in hopes that you’ll find it useful.

1. Judge less, accept more. It seems natural to judge others, but in doing so we close ourselves the truth about these people. The same is true when we judge all the things around us — we close ourselves to finding out more. If judgment is automatic, we should get off autopilot and be more conscious. When we notice ourselves judging, instead, pause, seek to understand, and then to accept. And then to love, and to ease suffering. We should let go of our expectations of everyone around us, and of the world around us, and accept people as they are, and see them as they really are. Does accepting mean we never change things? No, it means we don’t get upset, irritated, frustrated when things aren’t as we’d like them to be, but instead seek to ease suffering.

2. Let go of goals. Many of you know I’ve been experimenting with having no goals, but not everyone understands why. One of the biggest reasons is that when we set a goal, we limit the range of possibilities, because we are setting a fixed destination (the goal). For example, if you say, “I want to run a marathon in six months”, then you will focus your actions on the things it takes to get to that destination (marathon training). But what if someone asks you to go surfing when you’re supposed to do marathon training? Or a new race opens up that you didn’t realize would be there when you set your marathon goal — and it’s even better? If you remain fixated on your goal, then you’ll close yourself off to the surfing, or the new race. This is only one example — it becomes much more subtle (and less clear) when the goals are work goals, because the possibilities are so much broader and wide-ranging. I’m not saying you should never set goals (though that’s a possibility), but you should develop the flexibility to let them go depending on the changing circumstances of each day, each moment.

3. Recognize defense mechanisms. The defense mechanisms we build up over the years in response to painful experiences are many and varied. More importantly, we don’t realize they’re there most of the time, so they are automatic and thus powerful and hard to beat. So learn to recognize them. When you find yourself not doing certain things, ask why. Maybe it’s because you’ve had a bad experience in the past. When you find yourself hurting people, ask why. When you find yourself shutting people or experiences out, ask why.

4. Be like the sky. Suzuki Roshi had a great metaphor … the sky has substance (gases, dust, water), but it is open to accepting everything. This “empty sky” allows other things, like plants, to grow into it. Our mind should be like the sky — accept things as they are, not discriminating. By saying, “this is beautiful, this is not beautiful”, we reject some things. Instead, we can be empty. We can treat everything like it’s part of our big family. We can treat anything as if they were our hands and feet.

5. Watch your fears. Fears are the basis for our automatic defense mechanisms, and similarly, they have power when we don’t know they’re working, when they lurk in the backs of our minds in the dark. Fears close us off to others, to the world, to experiences. Watch your fears, by learning to be quiet, by listening to yourself talk in that quiet. Pay attention to the fears, shine a light on them, and they begin to lose their power. Then you’ll be freed to be open to new things, to anything.

6. Let go of control. We constantly strive for control — of others, of ourselves, of the world around us. Goals, planning, measuring our work, expectations and more — we try to control things in so many ways. Of course, we know that control is an illusion. It’s also a way of shutting out most of the world: if we can control the world, and the future, we are fixing the course of events … and shutting out other possible courses. What happens if we let go of that control? The possibilities open up.

7. Open hands. Walk about in the world with open hands. It’s a simple practice. Your hands are open, and they are empty, ready to receive the world and all that comes, as it is. Your hands aren’t closed,

‘Walking along the edge of a sword,
Running along an ice ridge,
No steps, no ladders,
Jumping from the cliff with open hands.’
~Zen verse

Satsangam

Satsang is usually the word used when people gather to hear a talk by a Swami / Swamin (what do we call a woman swami, besides 'mother'?), or a regular meeting of people reading / discussing religious / spiritual texts and matters. The word 'satsangam' means 'associating / union with good / truth' (sat + sangam). 

- There are some people with whom each moment spent or thought about is a satsangam. 

- One could feel, think and act in ways such that, as much as possible, it is satsangam for others to be with one. 

- This means that one needs to practice, practice and practice some more! 

- Sage Patanjali spoke about how such a practice should be in his Yoga Sutra (स तु दीर्घकाल नैरन्तर्य सत्कारादरासेवितो द्रुढभूमि: ।  - Practice, (which is the constant and repeated effort to remain with the object of focus) sustained for a long uninterrupted duration with the right mental focus and with conviction and devotion carried out in a proper manner becomes firmly established. (Verse 1.14)

- When such a constant and unyielding practice towards an ideal of satsangam is carried out, then it could be called satyagraha(!) which means 'holding onto truth'

The above were some of the thoughts that have taken some space since yesterday because we had a sudden satsang, and what a satsang it was. Swami Tyagananda is someone who is near to the truth of matters and even a short duration spent in terms of physical time space with him becomes timeless. I still remember an earlier satsang several years back when something he had said just stuck to me, and I had written about it in the introduction to this blog. 

He spoke a few powerful words yesterday, despite being jet-lagged and tired. They just have to be recorded somewhere and so here they are: 

1) Since he met my 10-month old daughter, the conversation naturally turned to children and growing up. So he shared this anecdote: A child is asked how old he was and he said that he was 5 years old. He was then asked how old his parents were, and he said "5!" much to the questioner's chagrin. Well, "they weren't parents before I was born, so they are 5-year old parents". As much as the child is new, the parents are new too!! This was such a new way of looking at the world from a child's perspective. 

2) He spoke of a book called Zen mind, the beginner's mind while talking about what it is to look at everything freshly, like a child. How many of us can look at that road, or the car on it, and look at it as if we are looking at it for the first time? How many of us can look at the same thing every time for the first time? Imagine, for that child, that car is altogether a new thing, she is looking at it freshly. Can we do that? 

3) Looking deeply into things led him to pointing at the table and asking, "what is this?" So we look at him dumbly, perplexed, and thinking, "Table, but of course! What about it?" Then, "isnt table a name and a form given to God? Isnt anything in the world a name and a form to identify it? What if we remove the name and form, dont we get God? This is knowledge blinding us. When we first see the table, God stands before us, however after that nanosecond, our knowledge puts the name and form on it and blinds us." This was a double whammy. 

So, what if we were to imagine all our categories as names and forms, and lump them all into one category called God, or Eternal bliss, or Light, or Self or Highest Source or whatever it is that one wants to call it. And teach students based on this category. What would we get? 

Two Heroes - One Legacy

Two leaders;

two giants of knowledge, work and compassion - both my heroes and having such uncanny parallels in their lives and message. And what a legacy of work and ideas they have built for us, independently and yet to my mind very much together.

India has had the very great blessing of experiencing these two personalities within the last 150 years.  They were contemporaries in a sense – there was just a gap of six years between them.  One was a political leader, and the other a monk. Both were intense patriots, but manifested their patriotism in their lives and work very differently.  What is striking is that amongst all the obvious differences, are the similarities, not just in their life experiences and some of their core qualities, but also in the fundamental truths that they saw and spoke about, and many a time even in expression.

Swami Vivekananda, born 1863, acquired a modern education, almost studied law, went abroad to spread the message of India, came back to serve his Motherland a public figure.

Mahatma Gandhi, born 1869, acquired a modern education, studied law in England, practiced abroad, struggled for an Indian movement in a foreign land and came back to serve his Motherland a public figure.

There are many points of difference in the way each one's education was acquired and the process of each one's making.  But the purpose of this piece is not to dwell on these as much as to look at what each one of them having made men of themselves, saw as truth and spoke.

Their patriotism was not ordinary. It was a different quality of patriotism that understood the faults and weaknesses of the land, but looked beyond, to the strength.  Indeed, 'strength' – a growing from within was something both emphasised constantly. Both Swamiji and Gandhiji did a Bharath Parikrama before the beginning of their major work in India. The parikrama gave each of them the knowledge and authority to say that his land is of immense Ideal and strength.  Neither failed to connect the people and their practice, to their own reading and understanding of the scriptures and shastras.  Another meeting point was their thorough reading of their own traditional scriptures.  We know from their lives how well-read each of them was in their own tradition.  What’s more, both of them acquired knowledge not just of their own tradition, but also of other cultures and civilisations.  Both of them mastered the intricacies of alien cultures as well and won many admirers, friends, followers from other countries and cultures as much as from their own land. 

However, neither was merely a man of books alone.  They thrived and learnt from life, living and people.  Each came into direct contact with his land, her strengths, weaknesses, diversity, oneness during his tour on foot across India's length and breadth. 

It is a fascinating combination of opposing forces that they worked with, or perhaps – worked on that "thin edge of a sword"[1] where the extremes met on a middle path and were balanced.  Each never stopped dwelling and speaking at length, of and about Ideals.  They thought, meditated, lived and breathed idealism; which is what made Swamiji say that he preaches the message of the Upanishads, "strength, a growing from within"; and made Gandhiji declare in almost the same words that the ultimate goal for each man is to reach the strength within himself – 'swaraj' or self-mastery as he called it.  Nothing is higher than this potential.  Neither was ready to lower this ideal to every day circumstances, but each was also intensely practical and looked at the smallest details in routine daily life worked to bring quality into each moment and action. 

This way, their own lives served as examples for their followers though differently.  On this point they differ that Gandhiji as a political figure sought to be completely transparent and hence explained in great detail every word and action of his; he wrote his autobiography, 'The story of my experiments with Truth'.  On the other hand the position of a monk who has renounced everything personal in the world, holds the highest regard and devotion in the Indian psyche – so Swamiji following the traditional path and emphasised the ideas that he preached rather than his own life, words, and actions.  His life as a lesson comes down to us only from his direct followers who were blessed enough to have heard of it from the original source.  He himself only talked and wrote of ideas, Indian tradition and her path.  Here, we see one of the very core values of India that both saw and declared the place of religion in Indian life and movement. 

The very essence of Swamiji's teaching is Religion, i.e. moving Godward.  He said that each country had a goal and that of India is religion, i.e. renunciation.  Gandhiji constantly maintained in the very same vein that each civilisation had a purpose and Indian civilisation was not excess, but a giving up of wants, and that without religion, or the central thought of God, any life/work stream of India would be valueless, unethical, moral-less, lifeless.  Both advocated religious education should start at a very young age towards the overall development of the individual. 

The development of the individual is a significant meeting point for these two Teachers.  Both talk of the individual and how all growth start from within him.  Neither stops there.  Swamiji said, how if each individual tries to manifest the strength (divinity) within him, we will have a society and nation full of noble struggle and achievement.  Gandhiji takes off on the same note, and brought forth his concept of the oceanic circles, i.e. how the strength of each individual radiates outward to become the strength of the village – and so on to the strength of the nation.  This is no different from Swamiji's, 'Expansion is Life'.

Even with respect to an individual's conviction and commitment to one ideal, they both paid allegiance to "Truth", and both saw their work as their Truth.   Swamiji had an "uncompromising regard for Truth" even from his childhood and intensely sought to discover the ultimate truth all truths, with which you would know the self, the world and all creation.  He also simultaneously spoke of how the greatest philosophical truths can be found in the practical spirituality of ordinary people and ordinary things. 

We find Gandhiji declaring his life to be a "story of his experiments with truth" – and always struggling for an intangible, unseeable abstract truth.  And he continues to say till the end that he "worships the God that is Truth or Truth which is God through the service of his millions", and that he "recognises no God except the God that is to be found in the hearts of the dumb millions"  It awakens the same chords of response, as when one reads Swamiji's "would you worship the shiva in the images and temples alone? Worship and serve the shiva in his poorest and weakest children." This unshakeable devotion to Truth makes both of them be seen as rebels in their younger days.  Both challenged blind conventions, and persistently resisted the status quo if it was for nothing but the mere virtue of being status quo for years or centuries, in their own ways.  This challenge to conventional, dogmatic beliefs continues all their lives for both of them. 

It was not of their lot to acknowledge defeat, but to throw down the gauntlet every time.  Each rose with a challenge every time he encountered blind, empty ritual, conventional thought without meaning and fanaticism.  And yet, we find that both were the friendliest of people.  Both were brilliant conversationalists with quick ready wit and humour, and overflowed with compassion.  (Both of them also had sharp sarcasm ready at hand to use if needed).  It is said of each of them that he had a Mother's heart, the tenderest of hearts.  But for their own purposes, both kept it away from public view and under a veil of intellect.

Digging deeper into the friendliness and compassion, we find each one's ability to synthesise and harmonise contradictory thoughts and belief systems and function from common denominators.  Both, Swami Vivekananda and Gandhiji could bring together people with extreme viewpoints and beliefs to work together based on common ideals.   

This synthesis of ideas and a deeper insight into the nature of things that they shared, also extended to their ideas on the East and West, their respective values, strengths and weaknesses.  They differed on the point of expression in that, one was a political leader and saw in the West a system of force and civilisation, a tangible enemy to the well-being of his countrymen, and the other, a monk who deliberately kept away from politics and began at the points of strengths of every entity, be it individual or nation.  Brilliant is how each could relate profound philosophical concepts to everyday routine activity and bring them closer to practical life, and their very same idea of the Means and Ends of action - wherein both maintain that one is the same as the other, there is no separation. 

In the sphere of ideas, a very significant relevant meeting of these two great men is their vision of India and her work in the world.  Both saw India as the harmonising force of the world, as the teacher of religion (a godward movement) and Ahimsa (love) to the world.  Not a theoretical or bookish religion that would dry up social life and activity, but a strong, vibrant, active religion, or spirituality, the essence of which would reverberate in every sphere and activity of this land.  Herein, lies our lesson and how well we are able to stand on the towering strength of our own legacy, be prepared to take it on, learn from it, strengthen it, add to it and act on it.    

---

[1] In the words of Mahatma Gandhi

Meeting Bombay Jayashree and Nataraja on Thiruvathirai Morning

Romance and motherliness. Do they seem irreconcilable concepts? Not to the author of this piece.

Romance is that space and journey in a nuanced dimension, where each moment is a koan, and every action is a search for truth. Motherliness is that state of being where every koan is realised and there is only truth, nothing else. There is no 'I' in either.

She is Music's consort as well as it's mother. Listening to Bombay Jayashree is an experience of devotion and divinity. Especially in a "Prabhata Sangeetam" environment (similar to chamber music, but particularly in the morning - dawn). A Shringeri Mutt devotee-family organises Prabhata Sangeetam in their house every December season, and BJ transported her listeners to a realm of Bhakthi and I-lessness, this morning. All the musicians (BJ, the violinist and percussionist/mridangam) as well as the accompanying girls on the tamburas performed in muted tones, perfectly resonating with the time and ambience. We were about 40 - 50 people sitting in the hall (drawing room) of the house, lighted only by about 60 - 65 குத்து விளக்குs (oil lamps - oil fired floor lamps) made of brass, in the presence of Venkateswara, Shiva, Sharada and Krishna.. The unwavering flames found an answering stillness from within. Her voice and singing has that unnameable quality that turns the attention inward - the yoga sutra prescribes the path in painstaking stages to reach 'pratyahara' - a withdrawal of the senses from the external world to move on to dhyana and samadhi thereon. Here, we were all immersed in one sense (of hearing), but even that was only an instrument for something deeper. It was only when the electric light was switched on that I felt my painful knee and that the mosquitoes were making a meal out of me!

She sang songs on Sharada and Shiva (today is Thiruvathirai, a day special to Lord Nataraja - Rudra). Her planned last rendering was Sarvam Brahmamayam ('everything is Brahmam'), but on a request followed it with a தாலாட்டு (lullaby) for the Bala Tripurasundari invoked in her image there ('bala' in sanskrit means child, 9-year old child goddess). If ever surrender to the lord (wherein there are two) and the sense of oneness of creation (where there is only One) felt but one and the same, it was during those moments.

The blessing of those moments continued into the morning. Lord Shiva, whose special day it is today (one of the legends has it that Sage Patanjali and Vyagrapada prayed to Lord Nataraja and he danced the Tandava-cosmic dance for them on this day) decided that I should visit him. I met my mother while returning from the concert, and since she was going to the Appar Swamy Koil (temple), suggested that I accompany her. Though not much of a temple-goer, I went along with her. In the temple, she jogged my memory about today's speciality and told me a couple of stories including the one above - my satsanga for the day! (As children we have listened to several stories from Hindu mythology and culture including those of every festival in the year). She also got me mouth watering prasad from the temple, then gave me களி that she'd made and sent me on my way.

A morning of worship, food for the stomach and food for the soul. I am complete.

A poem. "Stray Moment"

Of what worth is my life? 
If I have not felt you.
You, who are ever with me - 
Thinking of the moutains by the sea;
Wanting to to feel the hot beach sands,
While shivering in a farm on the hills. 

You are then with me, my best friend,
Begging for attention - 
As I ignore the faint plea for solitude
In pursuit of gaiety and fun. 

You are puffing and panting,
As I gasp for breath,
Chasing after my dreams. 

You are plucking at me - 
As I do, the strings of my half hearted violin,
to pull me out of the hazy corridors
of days gone by,
A lazy sunday afternoon. 

You take a deep breath,
Hoping I will follow suit 
While I rush to finish a million tasks;
In vain, your breath? 

Leaving you orphaned,
I stray as well.

I find you now and then - 
In my niece's laughter
And the scent of my mother's pallu.
In the satisfaction of my best effort at work
And in the fulfillment of committed practice.

I find you,
When a thunderstorm makes the world howl
On a cheery Wordsworth day - walking, walking, walking...
Appear in an exciting idea;
celebrated in the unconditional love of my companion. 

I wonder at the contradiction to normal pinings - 
As a great soul explains:
"All remember in sorrow, none in joy,
If we remember in joy, where is the sorrow?"

Here I am all upside down,
I feel you with me,
In all apparent joyousness,
complete in just being. 

But forget you,
drowned in sorrow or ire.
You sigh, and I agree,
Remembering you I am complete in joy and sorrow alike. 

As I am now - 
In you - this moment! 
Stray you are no longer,
nor am I, in this conversation. 
for you are this moment, my whole life. 
-----------------------------------

Curd!

You can take the brahmin out of the curd, but not the curd out of the brahmin!!!

Something that came to me today while having lunch. Ayurvedically and yogically speaking, I have sinned. But what joy! And I consoled myself saying, rather than eating any of the junk food ridden with chemicals, it is alright to go ahead and lick curd off my plate once in a blue while...

Green Company!

Each action, small or big, counts. The TVS franchisee in Adyar, Ramkay TVS, celebrated Environment day today by holding an event for children.

I saw this invite yesterday when I went there to take my XL, which I had given for servicing. The best part is - the man at the counter, gave me a sweet smile, took my slip and then brought out a sapling and put it inside a big brown envelope. Even as I started wondering what is he doing with a sapling - (imagine - grease, black and grey, sounds of engine starting / sputtering, mechanics in overalls tinkering with bike parts, and place a fresh green sapling with pink buds in this scene) - he offered the envelope to me with a flourish! I did a wide-eyed, "OH! why?" on him, and he said "environment day, madam!" and I noticed this invite.

The sapling is an ixora, dwarf variety and I am ecstatic about it. Long live!

An afternoon at Dakshinchitra

It is holidays time, and all of us are trying to figure out ways and ways to keep the kids occupied. I remember a time when as kids we kept ourselves occupied, got into a few scrapes of course (that goes without saying!), and have turned out pretty good in life. Come summer holidays and we simply had a good time, there was so much SPACE to do it in, all kinds of space. Today, children have no space (mental / emotional / physical....) to get into one teeny weeny scrape. They are mandatorily helped to occupy themselves, and everything is available to them packaged and ready-made, even fun. What happened to plain old fashioned just-FUN? Playing-street-cricket-or-marbles fun? Roaming-the-streets-of-Anna Nagar-or-Mylapore-on-a-cycle-under-the-relentless-sun fun? Just good old unorganised fun discovered, explored, conducted, experienced by children themselves? Instead, the chennai middle class (all strata of it) try and put their children in camps and workshops so that they are occupied and out of trouble's way, and of course activities that are fun and at the same time 'educational'. So there are summer camps with science, movement, storytelling, photography, tech stuff, music, arts, aerobics, calligraphy, cursive writing (!), English speaking, theatre, writing stories, origami, jewellery making, crossword puzzles, indoor and outdoor games, carpentry, basic electronics, embroidery, pot painting.... the list is endless. If I were a kid today, I would put 'educational' in my list of bad words. We educate them through the year, and not satisfied, we continue to do the same during the vacation as well, organise and monitor them and their activities down to the last detail. The plants grow and flowers bloom when no one is looking.

Although that was a rant, the present urban reality also presents itself, which is another list - of plausible reasons for unorganised, original fun being an impossibility - times have changed, roads are full of traffic and pollution, working parents, children learn all kinds of things from their peer these days (when wasn't this true?) all they want to do is play video games (which we have brought upon ourselves), these are competitive times - picking up skills and learning new things are good for him / her and will also keep them out of trouble, where is the physical space .... and it goes on. Here, I take a turn and rather than going in the direction of dissecting these reasons (since it would be quite obvious to the reader where I come from), I would rather share (promote!) some of the interesting activities / places for parents and children / families to enjoy together in Chennai, that I have been thinking about since my trip to such a place - which still let remain some space for unorganisation, freedom and orginality.

I visited Dakshinchitra, Chennai a couple of weeks back and it brought back to me all the simple joy and pleasure of my earlier, much younger visits to the place. First and foremost, the vast amount of pedestrian SPACE to simply move about - what happiness. Most of us know that it is a heritage centre / museum of arts, crafts, and architecture of South India. It is a very special kind of a museum where traditionally built houses from our villages were purchased, dismantled and relocated at the centre. The place also has many stalls with handicrafts and artefacts and also small thatched enclosures where one can try their hand at some of the art and craft. An undeniable 'educational' destination (if one wants it to be so) for a summer afternoon - one which offers aesthetic, wholesome spaces and sheer experience of culture; a veritable storehouse of traditional knowledge. I made my first clay pot, a small one, and it has been sun-drying for the last two weeks; I will now bake it in the oven.

I also got my palms covered with mehendi, which was somehow irreristible. We also saw a puppet theatre stage being prepared for a show. One can experience working at the loom, with clay, making puppets, making artefacts and products out of natural material, painting on different media, and a whole host of such activities. For those who are so inclined, there are also summer and weekend classes and workshops where children and also families together can learn some of the folk arts and crafts (both, livelihood and performance). There is something very significant about a vast pedestrians only space - feet slow down, and minds still. I saw the children there; in first glance - happy, confident, free, engaged!

Dakshinchitra got me thinking about other spaces and activities in and around the city that can be explored and which are not exclusive, elite, expensive and intentionally educational.

- The Guindy Children's Park and Snake Park

- Crocodile Bank, ECR

- In fact, the word 'park' brings to my mind - many of the parks in the city have been cleaned and 'greened' for walkers and are good spaces for an evening of walk / play / hanging out

- The Tower park, Anna Nagar (It is fun to try and race up the tower; although I am not so sure whether people are allowed to go up the tower these days)

- Vedanthangal Bird Sanctuary

- Fort St. George (there is much that can be seen and discussed about here)

- Government Museum, Egmore (Although perhaps one may argue that a museum is 'educational')

- The Marina Beach (offers innumerable past times, activities and interesting stuff, not to forget the bajjis and sugarcane juice treats by evening)

- The Eliots Beach, Besant Nagar

- Vandalur Zoo (One can tire out just walking around)

- Mahabalipuram

- Vivekananda Illam or Ice House

- The Theosophical Society (there are visitor's timings, look for the famous banyan tree and walk to the broken bridge)

If one has the mood and mind, there are the temples - A few of them that I have been to:

- Kapaleeswarar temple, Mylapore (Just walking around the streets of Mylapore would be so interesting - it is filled with a gamut of stores and activities; by evening there is a bajji vendor behind the RASI store who gives the most mouth-watering bajjis)

- Marundeeswarar Temple, Tiruvanmiyur

- Velankanni Church, Besant Nagar

- Ekambareswarar Temple, Mint Street

- St Thomas Garrison Church and St Thomas Mount

A personal opinion is that these big temples are so very free-ing for children to go to, because I have noticed that adults do not monitor kids so much inside a temple, and there is just so much physical space for them to run about and do their own thing and yet the central focus and purpose sitting right inside the sanctorum cannot be moved too far from.

A completely different kind of place and activity is Parrys (the chennai one! note the spelling). It bursts upon one with its variety of sights, sounds, shapes, and smells and colours and wares. Just walking around in the streets and exploring the different shops, places, observing the traders and people - all of it is a life experience. Some of the places to see / visit are the Armenian Church, Kothavalchavady market, mint street (dont forget the Ekambareswarar temple), Kandaswamy temple, the different bazaars (each street is a bazaar for one type of product) and it is endless. If we are in Parrys, we necessarily have to finish the trip with samosas and lassi at Agarwal Bhavan on Govindappa Naicken street (they are to die for).

The above are places that just popped up on first thought - I am sure there are more. However, it is clear that the criteria for these places are time, willingness to explore, go with the flow of kids, situations and contexts, and unorganisation to some extent. Some space for unorganisation is an unequivocal factor because it is with such freedom to conduct and organise one's own time, play, fun - such unmonitored, unmeasured, unevaluated fun that actually leads to self learning and some very important life skills (for want of a better word). However I am also not saying that children should never go to camps and summer classes, far from it; just that let us not make a fetish of "fun n learning activity". In fact, one of the best options could be to just let him / her BE, and see what comes out of that empty space - of course, set down simple checks and balances, like rules and time limits for TV and video games. Experiment and see for how long a child can say, "I am bored, or I dont know what to do, tell me what to do or let me watch TV". But, this requires patience and courage.

It is secondary (from the perspective of our summer holidays time), that during those days, year after year, even as we had tons of fun, one learnt cycling while trying to keep up with the elder children; another gained a lot of confidence after mastering the art of climbing a tree; yet another just kept collecting stones, twigs, odd material from nature just because he liked it and played with all the materials (he is a popular naturalist /ecologist of chennai today; he is also a designer); one girl just shut herself up in her room and kept dancing to popular dance numbers (she is a popular dancer and entertainment professional today); a friend just pottered around with cycles and tools and such (he works in a bank today but it is known that at home he is the plumber, mechanic, electrician all of it put together); a bunch of us explored walking and cycling on different streets and compared notes, made maps, took surveys on what people (perfect strangers that we met in the shops and on the roads) thought of the traffic and randoms information just for the 'fun' of it; a group of us put together an evening's show that included dance performances, a skit, a speech, a mimicry show and advertisements, for the adults; I volunteered at an orphanage, worked at selling a newspaper door to door, researched and wrote content for a website, took tuitions for the younger children, and got involved with other such random activity; a girl refused to do anything but read fiction (English) one summer for no particular reason and found the following year that her vocabulary had just leaped, some from the group of children in my apartment got together and helped the mothers and grandmothers with pickling and pappad-making (since summer is the time when the entire year's stock is made in many Indian households) ......this can go on endlessly.

But looking back, I realise that we taught each other so many things, all of us in our teens and younger (starting age about 6 or 7), we all mingled with so many different groups of children through these myriad activities. Of course, there is a flip side to this as well, as for all things in this world - for instance, there was a guy who got into looking at porn magazines, there were a boy and girl who fancied themselves in love with each other. Dont kill me, but none of us are in any pitiable condition or have gone 'astray' because of any of this. The guy had gotten out of his habit of porn by the next summer holidays, and the boy and girl forgot that they fancied each other by the end of the holidays. And the other children wouldn't keep quiet with this sort of a thing. They either ganged up with or against, sometimes bully someone out of whatever they are doing or snitch on them (go to the parents, although this is unpardonable) - the options are many. But we also learnt to make decisions, quick ones as well as thought out and analysed ones; we learnt to manage time; we fought and made up and then made rules and resolutions during the rehearsals for the evening show for the elders; we learnt to work alone as well as with teams and with each other; we learnt to make things interesting for ourselves; we discovered things of interest; we became adept at investigating events, people; we all learnt resourcefulness; we learnt to plan, and also have backup and contingency plans; we learnt to handle money, draw up budgets and work with accounts (sigh! unfortunately I am not among the ones who learnt this), my friend started maintaining a journal and all she did was write about her day, emotions and feelings and so on in it at the cost of being ridiculed by most of the boys (she later did English literature and Journalism and has worked as a content writer and journalist for popular newspapers and continues to do so) ... this list is endless as well - however the important fact is that all of this was accomplished without adult supervision and intervention (read: interference) except for some rules and checks that would regulate food and rest timings, and sometimes even grounding if too much rule-breaking happened.

I reiterate: none of the above were our objectives. We were just out to enjoy our holidays. And we didnt have any of it pre-planned, designed and packaged for us. We just went out there, and HAD FUN!

Guru Vs Teacher

In continuation with the earlier post "Celebrating Guruhood", I had a conversation with a friend about using the word 'guru' casually and my friend's contention was that we do not call all teachers, Gurus. Which is true. That is exactly the point in my life - my greatest blessing has been that most of my teachers have been Gurus to and for me.

I used the words Guru and teacher knowing full well what I was doing. There is really no translation in English for the word 'Guru', however the nearest is teacher, and if more teachers were like Gurus, we would get somewhere. Even taking the etymological guru - to be one who dispels darkness with his light of wisdom or even as one who goes beyond qualities and form, and even taking it to be spiritual ignorance that the Guru dispels, that is exactly what I am saying - that my teachers have always thrown light on one spiritual aspect or another, and so in that sense they are all Gurus for me.

Celebrating guruhood

This Vijayadasami post is to celebrate the tradition of "guruhood", and all the gurus I have had and those I continue to have, and acquire.

Gurus are people who actually seek you out. And then proceed to take over your life in ways as never before and never after. They give you all of themselves, their time, heart, thought, opportunities, challenges, provocations, work, more work, laughter, tears, food... they might even grow and cook it for you. They might throw in free massages as well. And of course, knowledge. Mind you, you didnt ask for all of this, no sir! You will resist in overt and covert ways, you only wanted to learn sanskrit, or music, or maths and in fact not even now, sometime in the near future... So sometimes you will hem and haw, other times you will fight and struggle upfront, or even try and use strategic ways to only just take what you want and quit the place. But you underestimate your opponent. In true martial artist alias guru style, they will ignore you, swat away your tantrums like pesky mosquitoes and with great love give you what you need. Or what you think they think you need! I havent figured that one out yet.

The thing is these people are life teachers. They show you how they take on life, how to live. But the best part is, they don't look at it this way. When they see you, they dont see you the way you perceive yourself, they are equipped with long sight as far as you are concerned. They see you as your potential actualised, and are constantly pushing you towards that vision. The details of that vision might change, but that doesnt matter. Their work is to push, provoke, challenge, raise, support and season you. Sometimes they will drag you kicking and screaming too. No newfangled notions of individuality and choice here, my child!

I have heard it being said that for true learning to happen, both the seed (teaching / ideas) and soil (student/ taught) should be okay. (As an aside, it is interesting that the teacher as an entity is not mentioned) And so, if the student is the soil, I have come to believe that the fertility of the soil is FAITH. And this faith lends reverence to the process of learning, and facilitating learning. It is my experience that my gurus never really taught me, they have always been facilitating my learning and this is my greatest blessing till date. If faith is at the heart of this process, then the gurus become wish fulfilling trees. Their energy and engagement with you is at the level of a spontaneous perception and insight, a no-mind plane where they facilitate not just your learning, but your well-being and happiness in life. Then you will find them giving you all sorts of stuff that you need, right at the time that you need them, without ever really talking of any of it. There is a communication that happens without the minds participating at all. This can happen at various levels of intensity and understanding, and gurus can be for a season or a lifetime. But come to you they surely do, and if you are armed with faith and you hand over that weapon as well to them, they will make something out of you, or help you make something of yourself. Go figure that one.

One last thought: even if the faith is there, the fight is there too. The seasoning and the molding happens in and through this process of resistance and struggle. And my gurus might call it my arrogance, when I say that the fight seasons them too. They are learning in the process too, and a true guru is more aware of it than the student. So, fight with faith!

Working with the soil

Working with the soil and tending plants, especially saplings - I have always theorised about how important it is for each one of us to be connected to the earth this way, especially children. Today I will say it emphatically. Fresh after my gardening session. Yes, I have harvested dals and done some weeding a while back in a farm. However, the joy and meditation of preparing a soil bed and planting tender saplings is unbeatable and a fundamental experience of life, I think.

Weeding first to clear an area and removing roots, stones etc.,

then loosening the soil with the help of a hand shovel,

"one has to be careful about the smaller creatures (millipedes for example) and not kill them as much as possible" (as my teacher and companion for this gardening session told me),

setting up a fence simultaneously so that the pups don't dig up the saplings,

adding cow dung manure to the area and further mixing and loosening the soil,

making alternate rows of ridges and troughs taking care not to harden the soil,

then at last planting the saplings.

"Planting the saplings" cannot adequately express the gentleness, delicate handling and complete attention that the little lives require to be put (roots first!&#!) into the soil. The roots shouldn't go too deep in otherwise they would just muck and die. The soil should be closed around the roots just so. Quoting my gardening teacher, "closing the soil around the roots is like hugging someone - it can't be too tight that you squeeze the life out or frighten them off and it can't be too loose that they don't feel it at all." It has to be from the heart! Just handling the soil with just the right pressure is, simply life. Children would do this best I think. In fact, children must do this and then, tend to them and watch their saplings grow, and grow right along.

Just as I will. After planting my saplings, I poured water into the troughs and sprinkled some on the plants. Tomorrow, it will be time to add dry leaves for mulching, so that the soil or the sapling does not get dry. Then watch the saplings take in sunshine and grow, as the roots catch, spread and drink up water. I am a child again.

Cauliflower manchurian and Red Cherry Blossoms

We were out on the bike at 9:45 p.m. for a family chore. K, my husband, usually tries one strategy or another to keep my mind occupied elsewhere away from the road so that I don't ride the bike by proxy sitting pillion. As a result of one of these strategies, in this particular instance I was narrating the Zen story, Red Blossom Cherry. In the story, a man is being chased by a vicious snake and running from it he reaches the edge of a cliff. He jumps from the fear of the snake, and clings to a tree. There's a landing ground below, but before he can land, he hears a lion's roar from below. The branch he's clinging to starts dangling. In the midst of all this, he spots a Cherry. He plucks it and eats it. The snake is the past, the lion future and the present, the red blossom cherry! I was narrating this story because we were discussing the movie, Right Here Right Now (by the way, a must-watch, which tells a brilliant story of possibilities of living this moment and not living this moment, all in half hour and with no unnecessary dialogues).

After finishing the chore, we spotted a favourite restaurant on our way back home and impulsively stopped for a post-dinner snack (dinner had been an era back at 7:30 p.m.)! Both of us ordered the unhealthiest possible junk on the menu, deep fried, heavy stuff. I asked for the dry cauliflower manchurian. After inhaling almost all of it and ensuring deep satisfaction of the palate, I commented on the nature of my snack. That "yogically" speaking (I am a serious student of yoga), I have violated all rules given by my guru. And also that "ayurvedically" speaking (we follow the ayurveda system of medicine for health and wellbeing), I am probably going to suffer from an increase of vata the next day.

Pat came the answer: Your learning of yoga is the snake of the past; and the effect of the food on you is the lion of the future. The cauliflower manchurian is your red blossom cherry! (with a wicked smile, no less!)

An "uncivilised" bath, almost.

I got the opportunity to have an almost-"uncivilised" bath after nearly 8 years, i.e., a bath out in the open, under the blue sky, birds flying overhead and the vibrant smell of nature - the fresh, tangy and minty fragrance of air where there are trees around, and of course the most pleasurable significant of all, this God's own breeze vying with sunshine to hit my skin in hitherto completely unexposed regions. In other words, a bath in the lap of Mother Nature. I call it 'almost' because it was not wholly in the wild. I was on the terrace of a house with the facility for such a bath. The house is located in a green surrounding and having a garden as well, away from pollution. Hence, I was not in the sterilised environment of a modern bathroom, closeted away from the healing touch of nature. Imagine the pores of all my skin soaking in sun and air as Nature wanted us to soak them in. I felt as complete and uncivilised as an animal would. Of course, I have never been able to find out from an animal how it feels as a creature of Nature. But I wish we could understand from them what it is to give to Nature and take from her multifold, and live as one of Her family; and so stop becoming more and more civilised and move farther and farther away from Nature, her nature, and her gifts - like taking an uncivilised bath, but oh so gloriously healthy.

I think it is these havens of uncivilisation that are keeping mankind still happy and going, in all the flurry refinement and ostentation of civilisation. Wherever we are uncivilised, we dont need to be developed, civil, polite, urban, pragmatic, rational and sane; We are free to be pagan, wild, content, insane and undiscovered. Discovery and development seem to be the yardsticks of a civilisation. And we discover different civilisations to have them clash with each other as well.

We humans need to continue giving ourselves enough uncivilised baths to wash away the dirt of civilisation.

Stay this moment

Stay! Stay a moment,
Stay here with me.
Don't go so fast,
Or you will miss this moment
And miss me.

I will no longer be able
To speak to you clearly -
and tell you of wondrous things
show you the joy of love
or its bitter-sweet pain.
or the learning of achievement
or even the pleasure of failure...
Hurry along in this way -
Your lover I cannot be.
I cannot feel your breath
nor your hand, nor heart.
How can I guide you
to the gentle warmth of sunshine,
Or to the biting cold
of another jealous poet?
You are so far ahead,
and my voice gets weaker.
How can I make love?
My whispers you cannot hear.
You talk to me no longer,
and you are in a race.
You may perhaps win accolades,
But not me.
Don't go so fast
Or you will miss me.


Come Along!
Come along with me.
or I will leave you behind.
I cannot describe the preciseness
and the blurriness of now,
and their strange play
if you lag behind.
I cannot become your violin,
and sing the song of melancholy
neither can I dance,
taking you with me in ecstacy.
the smell of flowers blooming on the roadside
mixed with smells of dust and urine,
You will not know,
You are not here with me.
I am desolate
I am losing you,
but you dont know it,
as you search for me
hanging back.
You need to come along
to be here with me,
this moment.

If you stay a moment,
If you still a moment,
You will know,
I cannot be in the past,
it is an illusion.
I cannot live in the future,
I have not created it yet.
I breathe only this moment,
I dance only this moment
I love only this moment,
I can give you only this moment.
And fool that you are,
you do not recognise
that being your Muse,
I can only be in the here
I can only be in the now
I am goddess only of this moment.
Live this moment, live me.

Where is the power?

I got up this morning to an alien stillness in the air. I wondered idly what it was while brushing my teeth, then going to my customary chair with some reading and writing material (I am on recuperating holiday and cannot and don't have to rush with work). But what is this silence? It stupefied me since I can hear birds chirping, a dog barking somewhere, the noise of the pressure cooker from the neighbour's house... It is not that my husband has already left for work; he is a rather silent and softspoken man anyway and so it could not have been the absence of his voice.

I sat on my chair and tried to apply all my powers of heuristics to the problem. I slowly realised that I could hear a sound that I had never heard before, it must have been a bird calling but I had never heard it before. I went to the window and started looking out for the birds. I could hear crows cawing of course. But gradually to my utter delight I distinguished at least six different bird calls and NOT squirrels, which were also squeaking by the way. (Some mistake the squirrel's repeated squeaking for a bird call). I also spotted a couple of them - the sun bird, the woodpecker, and seven sisters.

After the treat, I came back to my chair a few feet away from the window still listening carefully to identify newer bird calls. I gradually started hearing occasional vehicle sounds from the road. I live in a green campus, and slightly away from the road. The sound of bikes zooming or the horn of a bus is common, but now I could hear noises that were further down on parallel roads. Since I was into investigation anyway this morning, I started listening to those sounds as well. I could make out when a car was nearing, and on which side of the road it was, ie in which direction it was going. In a while I realised that I could make out whether a bus was slow or fast even as the sound came nearer, became louder and then slowly went farther away, and faded into silence. I fancied I could hear angry horns as people rushed to work, and a stray leisurely one.

Time went by and I still hadnt figured out this silence, a silence despite all the sounds around me. I realised I could feel and hear my breath.
And felt it s-l-o-w-i-n-g.
I...n and o.....u....t.
I....n a.n.d o.....u.......t.
The air in me seemed to be still. I wondered whether I was going to stop breathing any moment now, my time had come.

I was distracted by the curtain at the window flapping and after less than a minute felt a gentle breeze on my face and shoulder. I was fascinated with this and waited for the next flap. The curtain flapped and I counted the seconds till the breeze reached me. While I waited for the next flap, the curtain blurred, and the sight of the trees out in the backyard sharpened. The branches and leaves on the tree top waved at me madly and sure enough in a short while, the curtain flapped and I counted the seconds till it hit my face. So I knew that this morning this was the direction in which the breeze came. I made a mental note to ask my husband about these directions of the breezes here (He is rather closely connected with them and knows them well). Meanwhile I went back to playing with the breeze. The tree top moved, and when I whispered "Now!" it hit me - I stopped short of jumping in glee; thankfully, because my poor injured knee would have waged permanent war against me if I had tried that kind of stunt. I now started timing whether with every instance, the time that the breeze took to reach me from the tree top was the same. Then I also realised that the speed also seemed to reduce as it reached me inside.

I felt a movement near my right ankle and acting on instinct I slapped on it. A mosquito. Me?!! I caught a mosquito?! How is that possible? I have made history - I could never get them, I didnt even manage to get the one that gave me chikun guniya. As I was ruminating on this, I felt the air next to my left cheek change and slapped - a mosquito again?!!! I was flabberghasted. What was happening to the world today? And I swear that I felt it coming even before it sat on my cheek. How did I feel this air next to my skin move? Did I really? I have never felt this before, unless I am anticipating a movement. And as tiny as a mosquito? But it was unmistakeable, and twice. It was something to do with the silence. I was certain by now.

The shaft of sunlight coming from the hall window through the curtains, a good 15 feet or so away was now at a sharp angle to the floor. More perplexity. I hadn't even realised being aware of it, but I had been. I knew that it had been at a gentle angle to the floor a while back. When had I noticed it? I was by now ready to bang my head in frustration, it was to do with this confounding silence and stillness....

when all of a sudden, clacking, whirring, buzzing, humming, jangling.... the power came back. And the stillness shattered. I am still wondering, why do we call electricity 'power'? It feels like an oxymoron to call electricity, 'power'.

Raavanan / Raavan - A Love Story

It is a brilliant and moving love story. As simple or as complex as a love story can get. A story of people who are not caricatures of the Good or the Evil, but real characters who have shades of both, who have both violence and love in them.

His story: True love always transforms and brings out the best. And this is the story of a man who discovers true love in himself and transforms, and ultimately dies for the love. Or we could also understand it to be that Veera / Beera had anyway the capacity for generous and unconditional love as is indicated by his relationship with his own people. And that his true love for a woman gives him empathy and softness. It is as much his love (later) as her purity (initially) that stops him from touching her even while she is completely at his mercy. And so we see the other characters as they relate to his love story.

Her story: The woman, who is the epitome of purity and conviction of heart. But that does not mean that she is blind to the compliment of being loved by such a man. Yet she is so free of guile or doubt in her heart that she could go back to him in all trust to find out the truth. And a character who shows that purity and fidelity does not necessarily mean a hardened heart but one that can be full of compassion and justice. The movie also reveals her husband through her eyes. She (and the audience) are shown gradually that even the good man can be blinded by authority and self-importance and become mindlessly violent for his perceived good intentions. That he could also be driven to dishonourable politics, as is seen by how he contrives to use her to kill the 'villain'. If someone says that this is not dishonourable politics but simply strategy, then they have already bought into it. A true master of martial arts would tell you so. However, her ties with him are non-negotiable as she shows straightaway and repeatedly.

And this purity of Sita of the original Ramayana is one of the few aspects that have been retained in the movie. Yes, the plot of the love story is embedded in that of the original Ramayana and so there are obvious resemblances in situations and characters. However, there it ends.

For me, the above is the central theme of the movie, keep aside all the usual critical reviews and the flaws that one sees. There are obvious flaws, however they are being given too much importance that we are unable to see the true worth of the story being told. That there are good and evil acts, but no good and evil men. All of us have seeds of both in each one of us.... and that true love has the power to burrow itself so deep and so manifest generosity, compassion, selfless anger, and forgiveness.

The inexorable storyteller leaves his audience to decide whether this Sita swallows her pride in her purity, (which she shows when questioned by her husband and says death is better than to be doubted on grounds of chastity) and goes back to her husband, or goes to her death. Now that would be a very poignant climax, the 'villain' who by now is no longer appearing to be a villain, dies in true love for the heroine, who dies in true love for her 'hero', who by now is no longer appearing to be the neatly slotted and labelled hero at all.

"Smut" or Female Pornography

Did you know that romance novels (Mills and Boon, Harlequin, other single title romances...) are slangly called "smut" or female pornography? Well, this post is a rambling about the romance novel because it has been the subject of intense and casual conversations (both face-to-face and online) more than a few times in different contexts in the last ten days or so.

Most modern urban women would agree with the statement that the romance novel is probably their second best friend, or at the very least a comfortable cushion. It is probably the most widely read genre (it is being called a genre by the literature people?! as well as the Romance Novelists Association who first called it that, and so let us also go by that name) by women and also churned out every year at a very high speed. Today there are more and more romance novels that are in sync with the changing times - modern career women, enterprising, independent, spunky and struggling against odds in a male-dominated workplace, balanced relationships between the hero and heroine and so on. Right?

This may be true but this is only a part of the picture. Looking again and thinking without the worship holding the kidnapped, a victim of the kidnapper (!@I?!!! - a devoted reader would only defend her novel), one may perceive that there is more than meets the eye. There is more than meets the eye in these times especially, because everything is played out so subtly. Earlier where there were skimpily dressed women on the front cover, today we probably have landscapes, the bare-chested man perhaps or even profiles of both the hero and heroine kissing maybe. Earlier where there was no delusion in the language of the novel and so perhaps the reader's interpretation too of the portrayal, of the conventional positions of men and women as protector and protected respectively, today the language is outwardly that of modern feminism. However there is a subliminal dissemination of the same stereotypical roles, labels and patterns that feels even dangerous sometimes just because it is veiled and cloaked in language appropriate to the current trends. There is a whole system of metalanguage at insidious work here. Perhaps 'insidious' is a strong word, and perhaps individual authors are not to blame for this.

One of the important aspects of the romance novel that reveals itself to someone who wants to examine it, is that it is the heroine's perspective. The romance novel is mostly for women and mostly by women. It is by now quite intensively studied and surveyed (in the UK and USA), that the romance novel is the comfort and escapism from daily humdrum for scores of women. A casual perusal of the situation here (urban India largely) indicates a similar situation. All the scholars seem to agree on this. The matter of concern is that it is also an invisible guide to 'how to be a perfect woman and a heroine' and 'how to get the perfect hero to become your boyfriend / husband' or even 'what is true love?'. We have to understand the origin of this genre for understanding this aspect - England. The first romance novels are a delight, whether it is Samuel Richardson or Jane Austen or even Georgette Heyer. But they provide an insight into English society at that time, which had an enormous list of Do's and Dont's, how to behave in polite society, elaborate grooming rituals and etiquette and whatnot, for ladies and once a lady is out, her sole aim is to find and tie to herself in holy matrimony, a Man. A Hero. Of course, so we also have the books which tell the stories of rebel women, stories of women who are not 'gentle', not born in elite families but in traders' families and so on... However, the ultimate aim of finding the man and preparing oneself for this has not fundamentally changed over the years and until date. Well, duffer! this is a romance novel, obviously - man meets woman, they fall in love, they struggle, then they unite, has to be the central plot. But of course! So why is it a matter of concern? Because these invisible guidelines condition our minds surreptitiously and tell women one way of leading their lives, one way of being and becoming a heroine, one-answer solutions for all problems of womanhood. Fortunately or unfortunately or propitiously or happily or unhappily (I am not sure I want to specify a particular qualifying adjective I should use here so I leave it to the reader to decide this, but there must be one!), it is primarily the woman's job to hook the man. That may sound crude, but it boils down to that when one removes the glossy packaging. She has to look, dress, speak, behave, eat, breathe... in a particular way to get this man. If she is not so, then the story is also about her transformation (in its crudest form, makeover) so that she is deserving of her Hero.

Believe it, THE code for being a female is very much present in the most rebellious stories of the earlier years as well as in the most 'progressive' and 'modern' stories of contemporary authors. I have read several of both kinds. Another matter of serious concern is that this code is today dazzling women who are barely into their teens. Should we even get into the details of this code? It is obvious and it is all around us, conditioning us and our children, especially the teenagers, in the form of advertisements, soaps, movies, the works. A friend pointed out a very interesting observation a couple of months back: the supplement paper of a leading national daily that is popular here (chennai) has almost on every alternate page if not every page, some mention of 'slimming' and having a perfect body - either in the form of food articles, or ads for gyms and cosmetics, or an interview with a beautician. You name it, it is there. And the marketing language is very clear - it is directed at women, the objective of all these pursuits for women is one, peer acceptance, and two, either getting into a relationship or maintaining one or even getting back an estranged boyfriend. An article in Tehelka Magazine, speaks about how teenagers today function on "American Remote control", describing the soaps that are being watched on television. Women, young and old are being groomed, polished and manicured with this code.

Let us now take a look at our Hero for whom all the above must be done. According to the romance novel, He is the Man in the men, the perfect being and epitome of manhood. He is always, either covertly or overtly in the position of the giver (of security, riches, status, recognition, validity in the eyes of society...) and the heroine in the position of the taker. It is simply that while this was explicit in the earlier novels, it is not so in the modern romance novels that are largely single title romances in paperback. If we deconstruct the language, we arrive at the same conclusions that the man has to be a "Hero" and neither can he be a physical weakling nor a "wimp". According to several studies and discussions on this issue, we have a perfectly manufactured and orchestrated hero, just as the perfectly groomed and conditioned woman.

Did you know that, "the 'Alphaman' was based on what Alan Boon referred to as a 'law of nature': that the female of any species will be most intensely attracted to the strongest male of the species, or the Alpha. In other words, the Hero must be absolutely top-notch and unique. The wimp type doesn't work. Women don't want an honest Joe,' Alan Boon seems to have said." For the uninitiated, Alan Boon was the son of Charles Boon who started the Mills and Boon company in the early 1930s in the UK, and one of the rules given to the authors was the "Alphaman" one. Although by now there have been many developments (for instance, Harlequin bought over M&B in the 70s and we have a large number of single title romance novels today), the alpha male seems to be a standard unwritten code among all romance authors.

So what have we here? A perfect hero, a perfect heroine, and the perfectly true love story. Herein is the third lesson: True Love. One of the most important rules is that for true love, it is a must to feel physical attraction of the kind described in these novels. And one must of course discover suddenly or over a period of time that one has fallen in love madly. So today we have a true love that can only be true one way. The result of this is that we have more and more women out there waiting for that chemistry, and waiting for that zip in their "heart" and zing in their "core" before they can commit. I know a couple of such women and have heard of many more. There will be many more waiting if the trend goes on because the truth is that neither are they such perfect women nor are there such perfect heroes. God forbid!

One corollary to this is also that we completely miss the hard work, the commitment, patience and time it takes in actuality to make an imperfectly perfect marriage or relationship. There are more and more young people out there who are not ready to give time to a relationship, they want it perfect, and now! And the responsibility of bringing perfection always belongs to the other in the relationship. What seemed like a natural phenomenon in the first bloom of "true love" becomes very difficult to accept or understand as time goes by - that it takes two to tango.

It is very easy to dismiss all this by saying that it is after all a story. Why make such a fuss over a story? This is exactly what I said half a dozen years ago. But I have come to understand what a foolish and simplistic belief that is. Stories have the power to transform people. And stories make you believe. They have done so now for all of the history of mankind. And we are just being naive if we say these are just stories and they do not have it in them to condition and direct minds. Just as naive as saying that advertisements have no impact on children. When we believe that this is 'just a story' we forget that many many times the stuff that we consume, we are made to consume because there are big stakes in the consumption, including the romance novel. As a matter of information, the Romance Writers of America and the Romance Novelists Association are two entities that are not simply a bunch of home makers alias authors who are able to put words on paper and put together a romance plot in a thrilling fashion. These are two significant groups which fund research and scholarship on romance and romance novels.

What makes it all even more worrying for me is the "American remote control" and that teenagers and young adults of urban India have a near-death grip on it and it wont take very long for the rest to follow. We now have the romance genre for the teenager. There is this new book called "Twilight" and it truly horrifies me, and not because the teen hero of the book is a werewolf. You can read one review here to see how all the stereotypes of the 'adult' romance novel are repeated here and quite in an empty fashion. Clearly, teenagers now are not credited with much intelligence. I have not read the book, but have read several excerpts, synopses and descriptions given by various people, both critics and devotees and a few reviews. These do not inspire me to pursue the book further, except faintly perhaps to understand what makes teenagers go gaga over it.

Having said all that, I have to add that there are some really good romance novels too. But unfortunate that in the tsunami of romance novels hitting shelves each year, these perhaps make for a few drops.

Claimer: The above are views of a lay reader who has read several hundreds of these romance novels including the master of the romance genre, Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and still likes it best.

Death

Couple of days ago, an elderly friend of ours, an allopathic doctor was sharing his chagrin and concern about the direction which modern medicine and the beneficiaries of it are taking. He said that there are many things that are going not quite okay, but more than all that what affects him deeply is the changing attitude of the patients who come to him as well as his colleagues, since this is something he comes across personally.

He spoke about how everyone wants the doctors to work miracles, nothing short. No matter what the disease, what the conditions and circumstances, and no matter the age of the patient, they all want the miracle of life. No matter how it is done, they should be saved. Even if the patient is 85-years old, with a weak heart and some other irreversible condition. He added that his colleagues thought him heartless and sometimes even brand him unethical if he says so-and-so must be left in peace to die since he / she is 76 or 85 years old and the body cannot take the trauma of surgery and complicated procedures. Even those patients themselves ask him to save them somehow.

He exclaimed, "Am I a magician or God or something? Is medicine invincible? After all we are human beings and live according to the rules of creation. Why cannot we accept death as a part of life any longer? This never used to be the case before. A patient who has a wise attitide about death is a rarity. I remember that in the last so many years, there was one old man from a village who had this wisdom. He was 75+ years old and came to me with a block in his intestine that was in a really advanced stage. To top it, he also had a weak heart."

After examining him, my friend tells him (he believes in stating it as it is to the patient which also is not acceptable to many) that because of his age, his weak heart and his advanced age there is a greater possibility that he may die during the required complicated surgery or even in its immediate aftermath. It seems that the man told him, "So what? I have lived my life and it has been alright. It is just that in this age I am unable to endure the pain, if you say that after the surgery the pain will go away then by all means please do the operation and if I die in the process, all the better. I am happy". The man came through the operation successfully and started walking within the week and was discharged soon after. My friend lamented that if only people had this sort of an attitude actually there is more chance that they will pull through rather than a beggar's appeal.

Traditionally in India, death has never been something to be pushed away, or shied from. Death is in a cycle with life, or is a completion of it. Our understanding has never been that we have to live on, no matter how, and be kept alive even artificially on life support systems. As my friend said, the medicine system and its stakeholders are going in a direction where they feel that they have to overcome death otherwise they would fail. Somehow in an earlier generation, the value was not for going on endlessly. Personally in my life, my great grandmother was an example for this. I lived with her the last few years of her life, and in the last one year, she said she was near death and welcomed it and said her work in this life was over.

This would be the understanding in theory as well. For instance, in Ayurveda while diagnosing a disease there are three ways of looking at it: sadhya, pracharasadhya and asadhya, meaning, controllable and curable; curable but with difficulty; and no cure, respectively. I think this is a very significant category that places limits on what humanity can do. This treats death as a natural phenomenon that occurs as a continuation of life, and not something that needs to be battled against and won over. I also feel that this approach to life, and death places human arrogance in its place and puts us right there as part of the nature map, interdependent with all of creation, and not out of and on top of it lording over nature. Which is the reality. The reality is that humans dont control and manipulate nature. We try to understand it, and now also tamper with it and think that we are controlling it, but we have no way of knowing it to be so. But there is ample evidence in human history that nature is not subservient to man. There is no possibility of such a comparison, we are part of it. Hence nature and man are not enemies, we dont have to conquer nature, dont need to feel this compulsion to fight death. We could take it gracefully as a part of life, as we have been doing.

But as the doctor mentioned, this value seems to be changing in ordinary life now. The more that people are in touch with wonder drugs, hospitals and the greater and greater struggle against death in the form of modern medicine, the more they are taken in by the seeming invincibility of it all. Why?