Friday, December 26, 2014

Love

"Sorry" "sorry", a hundred times, 
With tears in her eyes.
And then again,
The same 'mistake',
For the 101th time.

Something gave this time.
What makes a mistake, a mistake? 
There's much happening within,
Before it 'happens' without.
As it happens without.

Something gave this time.
Contrition has been accepted
For a thousand times & more;
With no expectation of 'reform',
At the end of it.

A Mother's love wells up,
To hug spontaneously, tightly.
The question is, 
Could it simply be/become Love?


Thursday, August 28, 2014

Ponni


My farewell to you, Ponni. Just now, the house is filled with emptiness without you in it; and with anguish that you are gone so soon, so young.  But all this will pass. What will remain are your memories. In how many ways will I remember you.... 


- I will remember your melting eyes filled with absolute, unconditional love, that gave, and gave, expecting nothing in return. Can I love like that? 
- How did you manage to look hesitant and yet confident at the same time, when you thrust your enquiring face into mine?
- where did you learn to trust like that? every moment of my life will be a learning, to trust like you did. 
- You cut through the wind like a cheetah, you were poetry in motion. I want to run, and be one with the wind and earth, like you did. 
- With what speed and unerring accuracy you went for the throat when you hunted, in just one swoop. I will just keep trying, keep practicing, for that singleminded attention and clarity of intent. 
- When you gotta play, you gotta play. Kick up a mud storm, topple the water bowl, knock down a couple of other things, and put your all into play. 
- I am in awe of your spirit. with what spirit you battled pain, still reached for that ball to play, still went on red alert with your hairs on end when you spotted danger, still tried to stand up and go out to take a piss, when you were labouring hard for breath and must have been suffering...
- I have not seen Anything as beautiful as you when you were giving birth to your babies, and took care of them, and taught them to play, to hunt, to suckle, to eat, to survive... I keep discovering the mother in me, looking at you
- - how I laugh when I think of people getting scared of your largeness; little did they know of how gentle you were... 
- I am remembering so many little and big quirky and unique things that made you, you, that I could get mad at, be irritated about, feel moved and all squishy inside, want to hug you tight, or just keep out of your sight, and simply love you through it all. And realising that I am unique and quirky in so many ways and you loved all of me. 

Thank you for sharing you with me. And thank you for waiting for us to be by your side to breathe your last. I will miss you immensely. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Right Action

I have been grappling with a personal situation for some time now, and trying to see what is my conflict in the situation. In time, I saw that one of my central questions is, "What is 'The Right Action'?" and some part of the conflict is around this question. This seemed like a non-starter question, or not a question at all, the way I was looking at it. We are educated and conditioned to look at everything ideally, isolated, and without supporting contexts. So, for me a shiny "The Right Action" has been standing out, with bollywood sound effects in the background. But how can there be any action without a context? and its variables? Dont we all live and think and act within one context or another or more? Then, can there be one single right action? All of a sudden I feel like I know why I hated maths in school. The way we were taught maths in school was absolute. I hated its absoluteness - 2 + 2 = 4. There could be only one right answer to this. I just abhorred this only-one-answer phenomenon. Of course, today I can appreciate intellectually that an Indian approach is different. For instance, how we measure. The joy when I discovered this was immense, but it has remained intellectual. I realised when I was looking at the current situation that I am looking for my one right solution that fits all, that makes everyone happy, that is good for all and so on. 2 + 2 = 4, always. Something gave way, then. 

Could there by many possible actions, given a certain context and unchanging and variable factors? Each action with its set of consequences and chain of reaction. Can there be a 'right' or a 'wrong' about any action? But, take the case of my present situation, I have certain values that I want to adhere to, certain desires and needs that are mine and want to be satisfied, certain requirements of the overall situation, and values of others in this space, their needs, desires and so on. And I find that these are contrary to each other. When there is a conflict of this kind, the question of what is the right thing to do does come in for me. What is this 'right' then? 'Right' for whom and what? I want my actions to adhere to my values; this is 'right'. But this seems to be contrary to my desires at this point. So I am then stepping back and examining my values, where do they come from, how did they get built. I am examining my desires, what are their sources. Then, I want the 'other' to be happy with my action and accept it. This seems to be also in the realm of 'right'. But then again, stepping back, this is an expectation, not reality. So I am examining this expectation then. There is just SO MUCH that is already packed into that one word, 'right' which I am trying to unpack, unravel. But then, this examination is a lifetime process, and what happens now when the building is on fire? I cant go away and learn fire-fighting and then come back. I have to learn fire-fighting on the job, by doing it. A friend said this morning that I am writing my own bhagavad gita, which seems just what is happening. 

It is on the battlefield that Arjuna stops to examine his conflicts. However, at the point of battle, I cant say, "Hey, let me sit in a corner and study the bhagavad gita and get '10 ways to combat situation A' " (Well, maybe I can, and maybe then the battle will pass me by?!) But I want to fight this battle. Because just as for Arjuna, all battles are eventually inside me, right? And I may run away today, but will then come again and again to this point. So, I need to fight this today. From this perspective, reading some inspirational quotes or even the Yamas and niyamas, or Maitri karuna... seem to get converted to mere tools or equipment that I dont know how to use, if I say let me read them now and get some pointers, or someone directs me to them. It feels at the moment like I can only be fully present and aware and alive to this situation, to the conflicts herein, and examine and watch and respond from this visceral part of me. And perhaps if some swadhyaya has been happening in normal (whatever that means. Maybe less turbulent) times, then some bhavana of maitri karuna... may come alive. Although even saying this seems like an expectation, a gentle injunction and I have come to experience and see that no amount of spiritual training from the outside can make me really ready for this inner battle. 

And so, right action. At this point I want to replace this dense and packed word, 'right' with 'dharmic'. Dharmic action. Another dense word? The funny thing is that dharma is sometimes defined as "doing the right thing"!*@&!*!!  But if I see the sanskrit, dharati iti dharma, that which supports, nurtures, restores, revives, make alive.... So this seems like a basic and simple enough criterion for action, which, importantly for me, is dynamic, continuously changing, and creational. Something that can be mine. Something that is me. Just as the flower has her dharma, that tree has his dharma, you have yours, and I have mine. Wow! But this means that I will need to examine and discover my dharmic action for every moment. Because every moment is new, different from the previous one. And yet, it is pregnant with every moment that came before it, isnt it? Because all the moments before has led to this moment. And it has in it every moment that is going to come, because it is leading there. And I can really only be in this moment, which is great because just this moment is all of time. And it is also pregnant with its context, its changing and eternal factors, its relationships, emotions and the whole gamut of human experience, and I am a part of that. Which means, to live, I am born new every moment. And I have to give birth to my dharmic action that moment. This is my hope, and my challenge.      

Friday, March 14, 2014

Using the public transport

It makes great sense these days to use public transport or car pool for purposes of conserving energy. We see this being promoted heavily all around us. However, I rediscovered using the public transport for several other personal reasons that for the moment beat everything else. But of course, for these uses to surface, you must put away your ipod, and any other mobile digital devices, into the deep recesses of your hand bag or pant pocket. And decide not to indulge them until you get down from the bus.  Now for some fun! 

Uses
#1 Travelling in that bus through the traffic-ridden roads of Chennai, I realised that all my tasks will have to wait. No matter how many tasks I have lined up for the day, I cannot move from my position of sitting or standing. The only task is to stand or sit comfortably. One is forced to stay with the only task that is possible in that bus then - this is great practice for staying in this moment, and staying with the people who are with one at that moment.  If it is traffic time and the bus is crowded, you can be sure that flash points are lower, irritation levels are higher and everyone just wants to get home. Or office. So for self to stay comfortable, the others around will also have to be comfortable to some extent. For instance, people may like orange marmalade to be spread out, but not you and your bags on their laps and into their shoulders. Your neighbour may not enjoy your hair flying into their face and nose, unless of course you are his or her lover which puts hair and orange marmalade in a completely different realm altogether. 

#2 Deciding that there is no better task than leaning on the pole comfortably and just being, was the best thing I could have done for my breath. It is most fashionable these days to enroll for hatha yoga or a weight reduction yoga programme or any of the numerous yoga courses advertised. For those who don't have time because they have to leave home by 7 a.m. and travel in public transport in order to reach their work place by 9, the bus is the best bet to practice some praanayama. Close your eyes, and watch your breath. Just be with it, as you take in air, and as you breathe out. You will feel your breath deepening and lengthening. Continue breathing in and out. A sudden waft of typical Chennai may assault your inhalation as the garbage lorry hurtles by; watch the stink as it hits you and then as it fades away. Similarly, watch that puff of exhaust fumes, the fragrance of jasmine flowers, sweat or any of the miscellaneous smells of travelling chennai as they pass by. They will pass, your breath will stay. Of course, with all this deep breathing, you may fall asleep. Which takes us to the next use. 

#3 Ah, blissful sleep! What one wouldn't give for those forty winks after which one is refreshed and awakened! If you've been burning the midnight oil studying, or are stressed at work, and / or going to write an exam that morning, or haven't managed to get requisite sleep for some reason or another, this is the best time to fill up your sleep quota. In fact, it is highly recommended if you are going to write an exam, nothing that you study at this point will really matter - what will matter is how clear headed you are when you sit in the exam hall, and how gathered your faculties are. And if you have been poring over your books through the night, then sleep you must. Nothing like the motion of the bus to put one to sleep. Surrender your all to the bus driver, who's ishvara for the moment, and become lolly and noddy. The neighbour may understand this phenomenon if he or she is a regular in buses, and forgive you your trespass. Else, she may herself be noddy to your lolly. Enjoy! 

#4 I nodded off a bit in the middle of my breath-watching, and got up rejuvenated in less than 15 minutes. Being just where I was, completely aware of my breath, relaxed yet alert of everything around me, my attention automatically drew into me, and who and what I am at that point - I can hear the conversation of the two teenage girls in the seat in front of mine, and my mind is responding in a certain way. Watching my response, what am I feeling then? What am I thinking? Watching the feeling, watching the thought. Just watching, the origin of that thought suddenly flashed in, and its associated experience (our minds have thoughts that are actually our opinions, or assumptions or labels and stereotypes and so on which are actually conditioned by our life's experiences and resulting emotions, fears etc. Hence much of the time, our thoughts about others are actually everything to do with us, rather than about them). I hereby declare that you could make the bus ride one of the best spaces in which to watch the patterns of your life, the patterns in your mind and become aware of your self deeply. Which will obviously have its impact on your awareness of others. 

#5 I stayed with the insight that emerged, and its consequent excitement, watched the excitement and its origin (but of course!). When I looked around at that point, the bus was crowded with ideas. There were numerous bundles of experiences-thoughts-responses in many shapes and sizes, clothed outwardly in different colours and cuts, and in constant action / motion - talking to each other, exclaiming, checking their phones every 2 minutes, smiling, shifting from one leg to another, tching, adjusting their pallu or duppatta, looking out and waiting for their stop to get off, whispering and giggling, whistling, looking into the neighbour's mobile phone, screaming at someone to move, daydreaming, nodding off(!), sightseeing out of the window, catching my eye... adding more experience-thought-response on to the basic bundle reinforcing patterns, even as I saw. The bus is an artist's idea-heaven, artist in the broadest sense possible. Just look on, without forgetting to look at your looking (that is, being aware of any judgments, any thoughts that you may have), to get fresh ideas on just about anything under the sun and beyond! 

Which brings me back full circle to simply staying here and now, with the people and experiences of this moment. I got off the bus to a whole new world, all so fresh and shiny that I could almost see dew drops glistening everywhere. And it hadn't even rained! What just a ride in your local bus can do.