The Importance of Role Playing

I started out thinking how important role play is in a child's life. This has been a constant experience and exploration for some time now because my daughter (who is nearly 5 years old now) cannot let an hour go by without engaging in some sort of a role play game / activity. 

She plays "Housing" with her friend, wherein she is the mother, and A, her friend, is the father, and they together make and keep a home, filling it with all the activities that they see their adults do. 

She plays with her dolls, assigning them different characters and enacts stories / scenarios of her own making. (She has a weird variety of soft toys that includes a dinosaur, frog, rat, elephant, dog, reindeer, rabbit, rag dolls, and of course, a couple of teddy bears. None of which we bought!)

She dances to music and at various times, with different kinds of music, assumes different characters and roles. 

She masquerades as a mother, to a little red doll that she carries around.  She feeds it, sometimes from a bottle, or from her hand, sometimes breastfeeds it; plays with it, puts it to bed, scolds it, cuddles it, gives it a bath, combs its hair and is oh-so-protective.  Then suddenly she throws it up in the air, and when I look at her with shock, she says, "Amma, it's a doll, a non-living thing, and I am K! okay?" Oops! Okay. 

She talks to her imaginary friends.  These are sometimes created out of her imagination, are characters from the stories she hears at other times, and at times real-time friends or family or relatives, but who are imagined to be there at that point. 

This list can go on for pages.  Her latest favourite is that she is our dog's wife and she goes about on all fours, woofs at him, howls at the sky, nudges and rubs against him, and then gets up to announce that she is his wife. 

I was seeing, enjoying and experiencing with delight what I have known in theory and seen glimpses of.  That children process so much of their lives, their emotions, their joys and insecurities and so on through their role playing. I was seeing how formative and vital these stories and role play are to her image of herself and the world around her.  She is building stories about herself, about the people around her, about things, and all the emerging relationships.  

What followed this initial delight was also a lot of conflict, guilt many times, much joy of course, and also intense struggle for me.  Sometimes I would pick up a fear that I was sensing, some other time it would be a want or need.  Once she clearly communicated through her mother play that she felt I had no business doing some particular activity.  I felt completely in quandary about what I should do with all this rich data that I was receiving. I would sift through many options and try to see how am I to use what she just expressed , to do the right thing. And I sank deeper and deeper into this quicksand of action. 

And then it all fell into place as I started writing this piece. Role playing is important, not just for a child, for my daughter.  It is as, or more important, for adults, for me.  True that we discover, and develop if allowed to, this art / skill when we are children.  But it is so vital to nourish this and even "use" it perhaps as adults as well, in order for us to process our emotions and gain stable ground. I recognised that along with her, I had also been engaging in all the role playing, until I started analysing it and trying to use it. I had been feeling, experiencing, enacting, myriad things right along with her through the stories and the playing. And much was happening in the play.  So much healing.  So many stories were getting told.  Old ones discarded, new ones born, Old ones re-told.  New understandings. Insights.  Emotions were filling us and then draining away.  Without us getting drained in this process.  It was all happening in the lyrical and mystical language of stories and role playing.  It can continue to do so.  I don't have to "do" anything about it.  I am simply going to sit back and enjoy the ride! 

this is practice

this is my house
this is my hand
this is my fan
this is my watchlight
huhn? watchlight??
no, this is my light
this is my head
this is NOT your amma
this is MY amma
this is my appa
this is my leg
this is my kannu
no, what is kannu in english?
eyes
this is my eyez
what is ice, appo?
that is ice, this is eyes
ok this is my eyes
that is my ice
this is my reddd
this is my vellaiyan
mmm this is my amma
alright this is sleepy-time
amma! this is i-love-you
this is amma laughing
i love you too
this is still sleepy time
amma, amma, this is mine's talking english
this is good night
amma this is mine's room this is mine's house this is mine's bommai no dolls...

How to Start and Keep a Habit

Almost everything is a habit.  Or becomes one.  Of course, the source is a value or intention or feeling or coping mechanism - any of the intangibles.  However they manifest over time as tangible habits.

So, how then can we start new ones and maintain them?  Almost all of us have starting trouble, and / or, once started, maintenance trouble. I certainly do.

One of the primary ways to start a new habit: Just start it.  I mean that.  If we start making lists, planning and scheduling, that means we are procrastinating. None of that.  I have learnt that I jut have to get down to business; no thinking about it.

Image from sporttechie.com

However, one technique that seems to help with starting a new habit / practice, is to do so with an event of some sort. This works for me because 'reverence' is a moving factor (for me). If I start a habit with an important event, or even a celebration, that will in some way almost sanctify the whole deal, and I am surer to revere the process and follow it.  And I think that this is an Indian trait.  Most ordinary Indians seem to be driven by faith in God, and hence starting something in the name of God is more guaranteed to continue.  This seems to work for me too, though not in the 'break-coconut-for-Ganesha' way* (although why not!).  For instance, the early hours before dawn breaks hold a special meaning for me.  For unexplainable reasons (and / or those reasons are not within the scope of this piece), those couple of hours are very sacred, and being awake at this time and doing whatever it is I am doing, becomes very important.  So I try and see if I can somehow, in some way, bring a new habit or some component of it into that space, until it becomes a actual habit.

It is also possible that starting a practice as part of an event makes it public and brings in a factor of accountability for some.  One could put this onus on oneself to make it known to friends, family or others who may be doing something similar, and hence make oneself accountable.  It is also true that one is ALWAYS accountable to one's self.

Now to keep that habit.  Over time, I have figured out some ways that seem to work for me.  There will definitely be other ways, and many more corollary ones that you will find or would have found en route. The following have helped me become consistent with, and make a new practice into a habit:

1) Pegging it with an older habit:  I find pegging to be infinitely helpful.  I link the new practice with an old habit.  One needs to take care that the older practice is something that one enjoys and it is not a chore or an obligation, or that it is a regular necessity that one doesnt even need to think about, to follow.  For instance, getting up and brushing teeth (if that is a confirmed thing for you of course). It has also helped me to peg related practices to each other, rather than completely unrelated ones.  For example, if you want to practice drinking more water, it would help to peg it with a food or water related habit or your movement in the kitchen (or wherever drinking water is, in your home / workplace), rather than pegging it with, say, checking eMail. But, whatever works.  It's interesting and insightful to play with this and see what kind of pegging works for you.

2) Starting small:  I have learnt the very hard way that the importance of small steps cannot be overemphasised.  In fact, I am still learning.  We seem to tend towards making grand plans, starting with a bang, intensely, and the initial energy and enthusiasm fizzles out the moment we hit an obstacle.  Or like a short distance running competition, the burst of energy burns itself out.  We need to think of this more as an ongoing marathon.  So, take small steps.  Dont give up on all the junk food you are having AND include lots of vegetables and fruits in your diet AND start stocking up on organic foods AND learning / trying out new millet recipes, all in the same week.  Perhaps concentrate only on including more vegetables and fruits - or better still, start just with including one fruit a day to what you eat.  You will slowly and automatically start making the adjustments to accommodate that one fruit.  One step at a time, and you will go a long way.  I rediscover this constantly!

3) An attitude of learning:  This may well be the hardest part.  If and when you slip from the practice, and mostly you will, take a breath, take a step in, and look.  At what's happening inside and outside.  What triggered the slip? How were you feeling just as you gobbled up that packet of chips? Later? It's easier said than done, but it needs to be said - it just will NOT help to play the self-blame game.  Self-flagellation is an indulgence of the trickster mind to keep you comfortable and lazy.  Give it a few long breaths (long exhalations), tell your mind "all is well" and that you're okay with some discomfort.  And you're on your way.  Until the mind tries a couple of new tricks.  An attitude of learning, and hence, watchfulness will help.

There are a couple of supportive situations that one can in addition create for oneself:

A) Preparation - I've got to prepare myself with the basics before I can go rock climbing.  Similarly, just check in with yourself to see if you are in alignment with what you want to start; you may well have to go with some intermediate steps and take it from there. (Its almost like another way of saying 'start small')

B) Environment - If you are trying to cut down junk food, it will help to clear the shelves of all junk food packets, and stay away from outings with people who you know will buy / consume junk stuff as part of the entertainment.  Stay away at least until the intention has become a habit.  You may find that you dont miss those outings much in any case.  It helps to constantly re-arrange your environment to suit the pursuit.

These are some start-offs that help me immensely whenever I am trying to start something new, and I keep discovering corollary or new ones all the time.  Happy Habitting!

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* In Hindu culture, it is deemed auspicious to start anything new or travel etc with Lord Ganesha's blessings, and this is typically done by breaking a coconut in front of the temple, and offering as prasaadam (sanctified / blessed by God)
  

Of Listening and Self Discipline

This is a corollary and continuation to the Introduction of this blog.  To summarise the introduction: everybody wants to have their say, and the vast ocean of personal blogs in the world wide web seems to be expressing the same desire; however, who is truly listening, to understand and engage in a meaningful way?

Let's go further now, and ask, what if one was truly listening, just to listen?  Listening for the purpose of listening.  What does that mean?  That there is no agenda or purpose for the listening, save for that of listening.  There is no purpose (not even to understand and engage, so there truly is NO purpose except this moment's act of listening) - what happens then?  There will first probably be no inspiration to rush in to say anything to the other by way of advice or opinions or thoughts or comments or suggestions.

When can there be no other agenda except that of listening?  There actually seems to be no sphere of everyday human functioning where this listening is happening consciously.  There are of course special circumstances when this may be taking place (or at least the intention for this type of listening is present).  One obvious circumstance is that of counseling and psychotherapy besides other specific groups and spaces which may be looking at such a way of engagement, perhaps as part of a larger exploration of living meaningfully.

So when can there be no motivation to change the other through advice and comments and reactions and responses?  For if we examine with care, we will see that all our advice to others is almost always in the realm of changing and reforming the other.  We want to change them such that they can see the light, the same as we are.  The way they are seeing it and / or not seeing it, and / or seeing darkness, and / or something else entirely, are situations somehow not acceptable to us.  And it is not acceptable to us, because each of us have our frames of reference and contexts that we think from, and have already decided that our ways of thinking and doing are right and the other wrong and thus pass judgment and give labels.  I am also acutely aware that there is a huge jump in the earlier sentence and there are a lot of steps to be taken before we get to this point in the inquiry.  Also, the passing of judgment is not necessarily with vicious intent or even emphatically stated; it is part of the conditioning that we pick up and internalise consciously and unconsciously through culture, society, our parents first, then extended family, teachers, friends, and so on. For instance, "Don't cry like a girl" is an oft repeated statement, and this may be defended by saying that it is just a casual comment and / or said lightheartedly. However, we need to stay with the statement and see why it is even there. This is simply one example of how judgments are present in everything we choose to think, do, not think, not do and so on.  An important aspect to consider is that these insidious judgments are turned on ourselves also - that is, when I have a judgment about another person, it is for sure that I have that judgment on myself.  And this will work in such hidden ways and manifest as convoluted knots that would leave one stupefied and sometimes wondering, "What the hell was I thinking, doing such and such a thing?!".   To give a simplistic example, if I carried the above judgment, "dont cry like a girl", I may then be someone who would hate to cry . And hence, every time I feel like crying I would judge myself to be a wimp (just like a girl - a whammy there: crying is wrong / wimpy, girls cry, girls are wrong / wimpy), and try to suppress it. Either I succeed in suppressing it all the time, and like a pressure cooker, its going to burst some place some time, or, I may end up punishing myself covertly and unconsciously each time I cry or want to cry, or do both, suppress and punish*.  It could go further: the earlier sequence of thinking may not end with 'girls are wimpy', but take a jump and say 'boys are not wimpy'.  This may manifest in a girl being / behaving like, a "tomboy" for instance.  We will not go further with all the implications of this one judgment.

However, the above was to see how our judgments are playing all the time when we are supposedly listening to someone else^.  Much of our listening to the other, happens with this clamour going on inside our heads.  And each time we offer a piece of advice, interrupt with a solution, give a shout of appreciation and so on, we may very well be answering to the clamour inside rather than engaging with the person in front of us.

I also think that this entire self-feeding cycle of having so much to say, and listening but not listening has its beginning and roots in our childhood.  How many of us listen to children in this manner, without imposing our selves on them? Much of society and cultures see children as clay to be moulded and trained in particular ways.  If we were to listen to children without the clamour inside, that in itself would be demonstration enough for them, one would think.  Many of us are still the children that we were, wanting to be listened to fully.  So this takes us back to the question, when and how can we listen to the other without this motivation to change the other, from a space of no judgment?

For me, this practice starts with my earlier question about listening without imposing my self.  All the clamour inside is part of my self.  How can I allow the noises of my self to subside and make room for the sounds coming from the other, so that I can truly listen to them? That is the practice**.   I also see that it is not possible to force the self-noise into silence.  There is another piece that speaks of how training and controlling is a cruder form of disciplining that has its limited context and necessity.  One could follow a more meaningful form of self discipline, wherein, the disciplining is a journey of self discovery** and we discover the patterns of our judgments and understand our selves better. And that journey of discovery is also the journey of transformation.  And also the journey of truly listening, and discovering the other - because in a paradoxical way, the journey of self discovery allows the self (noise) to dissipate, giving us a chance to recognise the other, and perhaps also see that the other is not different from the self.

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* That many of us ("normal", mentally stable persons) punish ourselves for many of our perceived mistakes and judgments and so on is a known psychological phenomenon, and there are several studies on self-punishment.

^ To look at this matter as one's judgments interfering with true listening is one perspective, one view of the scene.  There would be other ways definitely; other views of the same scene.

** This is also the practice and journeying in the path of Yoga

What is Self Discipline

Self discipline is mostly defined as the ability to control oneself, wherein the 'oneself' takes its myriad shapes and forms, depending on who is saying it and the context - control feelings, control senses, controlling distractions and so on.  This is one level of truth; controlling these manifestations of the self does lead to some sort of a discipline in functioning.

What is discipline? It is defined in the crudest way possible as training to obey, through punishment and / or penitence.  This is one level of truth; most systems and spaces use this for maintaining law and order and agreed that this is necessary.  Penitence of course falls squarely in the space of self disciplining.

However, I see that control (controlling of the self) and training and punishment (towards disciplining) can only go so far and no more.  These meanings and actions can be used for immediate and urgent purposes and in not-stable states of being, however to continue with them as the standard for all times can only bring disaster. For, this brings in control and training from an external source in order to establish right action, and this is necessary in difficult times.  But this in no way ensures that transformation has occurred within and the inappropriate action will not be repeated.  Penitence, insofar as it is regret is fine and can be translated to action, but penitence as guilt is a non-starter and leads to a destructive cycle of self blame, judgment, negative labeling and non-action.

Following this meaning and context of self discipline all the time will actually defeat itself in the long run.  Training to control could be like training a dog or a horse and I can only visualise the animal straining at the leash, hurting itself, its throat.  Over time, the leash will fray; at some point the animal may turn and attack the trainer.  Gradually the animal may get trained to obey by way of punishment (and reward).  There is no question here of self thought, discovery and understanding*.  We do the same to ourselves.  We are our own puppets.  In this space and path of self discipline, we manipulate and destroy ourselves.  That self is becoming more and more contorted and twisted.

Photo taken at Nirkunram Campers near Chengalpet

A higher form of discipline takes off from the word, 'disciple', from being a disciple.  A disciple is a follower, devoted to something or someone.  In being a disciple, he thinks some thoughts, does not think others, follows some practices, eschews practices that does not help her in being a disciple and so on.  And hence he / she is on the path of discipline.  Does he / she slip?  Of course, yes.  He may indulge for a while in a practice that does not help the disciple in him.  She may not actively take up actions that are required for her to be a wholesome disciple.  But the context and framework for the self discipline is clear.

So, disciplining arises from a purpose.  Taken this way, I sometimes feel that all disciplining can only be self disciplining - be it any entity, an individual, a village, an organisation, a campaign... "What is that purpose?" that disciplining is arising from, is of course an entire domain of its own and worth an independent inquiry and space.

What will happen in this kind of disciplining is that, 'discipline' is removed from its shackles of being a station that one has to get off at, and becomes a journey of self discovery and understanding.  On this journey, the self is understood better and better, deeper:  Why are there some fears?  When is it that one is courageous?  When does one feel sad? When, happy? How does one act with others? Why do I think in a particular way? What makes one feel energetic? What makes me follow the path of discipline... and so on and so forth.

And then, when the patterns of the self start getting clearer and clearer, the road of discipline also gets sparkling clear ahead of oneself.  And this may include moments of a cruder form of self discipline, may include times of indulgence or violation and so on, however one can be back on the road, or perhaps is still on it and playing hooky. There is then the process of penitence and prayaschittam, in their higher forms, all in the path of self discovery (disciplining).

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*  It of course is an assumption that one actually wants all that in the first place - authentic thought, discovery and understanding; however we are looking at a meaning of self discipline that will sustain, and that sustenance includes these ideas.

"Work is Love Made Visible" - Khalil Gibran

It has always been so "nice" to hear this above quote (and others) of Khalil Gibran.  However I realised that I now wanted tangibility.  How is work love made visible? This had become especially important because I had seen how much of a struggle working has been for me.  Why have I not been able to work at all? I had always seemed to be bogged down by "externals", "logistics", what I think of as my incapacities - all of this had seemed to stop me from working, from being able to work. 

How is work love made visible? Love for what? I really wanted to work, but it had not been happening.  By work I mean any or all kinds of work, domestic, social, the work that I had chosen for myself as part of my career. Some one or more parts would be frozen over at any given point in time.  Much more than anything else, the official work had been stagnating. Because a home means dependents, the household had to be run; there is no question of stopping there, however that could also become mechanical in a not-vibrant state of being.  

So my thoughts of incapacities and fear of failure held me frozen.  How can I work like I wanted, knowing I may fail, knowing that I don't know enough to work? There had been a layer of excuses and reasons on the surface which had to be peeled off before reaching this question.  The top layer was made up of issues around the externals like operational problems, issues with coworkers, ups and downs of balancing multiple roles of life and so on.  It took a while before getting to the hidden fear of failure and thoughts of inadequacy.  This was a layer of truth that again had to be peeled off to reveal deeper truths. 

Between that first question, "How is work love made visible?" and the other questions centered around oneself, "How can I work knowing I may fail?" etc, lies the favourite theme of writer-philosopher Chaturvedi Badrinath.  A theme that recurs in much of his expression, and now I see why.  There is a struggle between those 2 questions.  Because each question is in a different language altogether.  One is that of history, and the other, that of transcendence.  The voice that tells me I have all these limitations is the language of my history and experience - the voice of my thought-belief-perception self.  The other voice and language is that of transcendence.  Of that inner being, inner self that is watching all the drama of life.  That inner self which is love, which is oneness of all creation. 

Which voice am I aligning myself with at any given moment?  This seems to be a quintessential human struggle.  Each has its gifts and consequences.  I had always said, "Of course, I really want to work". I want to align myself with this deeper, inner self of which I have glimpses and flashes when there is clarity, when the inner space seems to be lighted. That was intention.  But what of action?  Why had it never flowed through and manifested in action?  The question here for me was, why do I want to align myself with that inner voice, and why do I want to work? Because I want to be productive, I want to be efficient, I want to be able to write the truth, every single day, I want, I want... And with this want, my mind has quietly aligned itself with the voice of the limited self.  This is self-love.  And I don't mean this in a judgmental way.  It is self-love in that I am in love with my own perceptions; taken with my perceptions of the end results of a love being made visible through work, for example. Some toys and sweets and savouries that I will be able to get from the Mela at the end of the walk.  If I am actually present there with that end in my head, it pulls me deeper into self-love.  I am struck by fear, what if I don't get those toys there in the Mela? Maybe I should see what route others are taking, then I will go to the correct Mela.  This then leads to mental paralysis, and of course paralysis of action.  In being stuck in this self-love, there is no Yoga.  There is no flowing of that inner being, love.  With that sudden sight into the struggle, the message of the Bhagavad Gita, which we have made into a platitude - "dont think of the fruits, only put in your best work" takes on such meaning and significance. 

In Yoga, that inner self flows.  And I, the actor in the drama of life, completely align myself with that flow, and allow it to make of me what it does; allow it to season me.  This feels suspiciously like surrender to me.  Funnily enough, I felt that I have been reflecting on self-effort.  What is this paradox? It perhaps is both at the same time? And life goes on.  The stage is set.  The actor is out there and in here at the same time.  And I realise that the question, which voice am I aligning myself with at any given moment?, is not an either-or question that has a one-time solution.  It then becomes a constant and on-going conversation that I engage with at every step, and that is Yoga. And this ongoing dialogue also gives one spaces and possibilities to travel back and forth between those two languages, to straddle both and, their paradoxical nature notwithstanding, take even concrete steps with seemingly abstract ideas - faith, taking responsibility, action despite / with fear and any number of ways as there are beings.  Then what begins to happen is work manifesting as a consequence of the greater self, greater love.  

Right Action

I have been grappling with a personal situation for some time now, and trying to see what is my conflict in the situation. In time, I saw that one of my central questions is, "What is 'The Right Action'?" and some part of the conflict is around this question. This seemed like a non-starter question, or not a question at all, the way I was looking at it. We are educated and conditioned to look at everything ideally, isolated, and without supporting contexts. So, for me a shiny "The Right Action" has been standing out, with bollywood sound effects in the background. But how can there be any action without a context? and its variables? Dont we all live and think and act within one context or another or more? Then, can there be one single right action? All of a sudden I feel like I know why I hated maths in school. The way we were taught maths in school was absolute. I hated its absoluteness - 2 + 2 = 4. There could be only one right answer to this. I just abhorred this only-one-answer phenomenon. Of course, today I can appreciate intellectually that an Indian approach is different. For instance, how we measure. The joy when I discovered this was immense, but it has remained intellectual. I realised when I was looking at the current situation that I am looking for my one right solution that fits all, that makes everyone happy, that is good for all and so on. 2 + 2 = 4, always. Something gave way, then. 

Could there by many possible actions, given a certain context and unchanging and variable factors? Each action with its set of consequences and chain of reaction. Can there be a 'right' or a 'wrong' about any action? But, take the case of my present situation, I have certain values that I want to adhere to, certain desires and needs that are mine and want to be satisfied, certain requirements of the overall situation, and values of others in this space, their needs, desires and so on. And I find that these are contrary to each other. When there is a conflict of this kind, the question of what is the right thing to do does come in for me. What is this 'right' then? 'Right' for whom and what? I want my actions to adhere to my values; this is 'right'. But this seems to be contrary to my desires at this point. So I am then stepping back and examining my values, where do they come from, how did they get built. I am examining my desires, what are their sources. Then, I want the 'other' to be happy with my action and accept it. This seems to be also in the realm of 'right'. But then again, stepping back, this is an expectation, not reality. So I am examining this expectation then. There is just SO MUCH that is already packed into that one word, 'right' which I am trying to unpack, unravel. But then, this examination is a lifetime process, and what happens now when the building is on fire? I cant go away and learn fire-fighting and then come back. I have to learn fire-fighting on the job, by doing it. A friend said this morning that I am writing my own bhagavad gita, which seems just what is happening. 

It is on the battlefield that Arjuna stops to examine his conflicts. However, at the point of battle, I cant say, "Hey, let me sit in a corner and study the bhagavad gita and get '10 ways to combat situation A' " (Well, maybe I can, and maybe then the battle will pass me by?!) But I want to fight this battle. Because just as for Arjuna, all battles are eventually inside me, right? And I may run away today, but will then come again and again to this point. So, I need to fight this today. From this perspective, reading some inspirational quotes or even the Yamas and niyamas, or Maitri karuna... seem to get converted to mere tools or equipment that I dont know how to use, if I say let me read them now and get some pointers, or someone directs me to them. It feels at the moment like I can only be fully present and aware and alive to this situation, to the conflicts herein, and examine and watch and respond from this visceral part of me. And perhaps if some swadhyaya has been happening in normal (whatever that means. Maybe less turbulent) times, then some bhavana of maitri karuna... may come alive. Although even saying this seems like an expectation, a gentle injunction and I have come to experience and see that no amount of spiritual training from the outside can make me really ready for this inner battle. 

And so, right action. At this point I want to replace this dense and packed word, 'right' with 'dharmic'. Dharmic action. Another dense word? The funny thing is that dharma is sometimes defined as "doing the right thing"!*@&!*!!  But if I see the sanskrit, dharati iti dharma, that which supports, nurtures, restores, revives, make alive.... So this seems like a basic and simple enough criterion for action, which, importantly for me, is dynamic, continuously changing, and creational. Something that can be mine. Something that is me. Just as the flower has her dharma, that tree has his dharma, you have yours, and I have mine. Wow! But this means that I will need to examine and discover my dharmic action for every moment. Because every moment is new, different from the previous one. And yet, it is pregnant with every moment that came before it, isnt it? Because all the moments before has led to this moment. And it has in it every moment that is going to come, because it is leading there. And I can really only be in this moment, which is great because just this moment is all of time. And it is also pregnant with its context, its changing and eternal factors, its relationships, emotions and the whole gamut of human experience, and I am a part of that. Which means, to live, I am born new every moment. And I have to give birth to my dharmic action that moment. This is my hope, and my challenge.      

Learning from Children - Free to Love

Initially this post was to be titled 'Learning from / with children'. Then I realised that there are some things that we don’t learn with them, we necessarily learn from children, by simply watching them be, and engage with the world.

As adults many of us are often embarrassed by explicit announcements or gestures of love. And yes, that's a thoughtful statement; I am not saying it casually. The embarrassment would of course be at different levels of intensity, felt and manifested differently with different people in different situations. For instance, some of us may feel comfortable showing love to our partner, but not so with relatives. Some of us feel awkward if the expression goes beyond a cursory side-of-the-body hug. In fact, I find that many of us feel strange staying and feeling a hug completely.

The corollary to this is acknowledging love, a move of love.  We fare worse in this aspect. While I am quick to list all the wrong actions of the other, prompt with all the hurts inflicted on me by A or B, I am much slower to recognise an expression of love by the same A or B. Love is expressed in many ways, the beginning of which is physical expression like a loving look or hug. We miss most of the subtler actions of love, of the people around us. For instance, I recall now how my grandmother always served food with so much love. That is, she was very aware of how each one of us liked to eat, what went in first, what vegetables I like with certain other items on the menu, which were the side dishes preferred by my sister and on and on like this. And she served us according to our tastes, even though as children we were taught to eat everything put on the plate without a fuss. She did this for everyone but never once asked anyone about their preferences or tastes. She just observed everyone and served them. But for all this, there was no outward show of love. In my early teens then, I missed this for her outward irritability and the fact that we seemed to have nothing in common. I recollected and realised much much later how love worked through her.

I am remembering her again now, with some regret (because I never did show much warmth to her when she was alive), as I watch my daughter. There is nothing hidden in her love or its expression. And I am amazed again and again at the wisdom and simplicity she demonstrates even in her acknowledgement of it. I figure it is not so strange that the first time I thought of my grandmother and of our relationship in some depth, was when I was babysitting a 4-year old during my college days. Parmeet taught me a lot about myself, about conflicts and relationships and so much more, in the 3 years that I was with him, a few hours every day of the week.

Now it is Kaivalya, my daughter who is teaching me how effortlessly I can understand and acknowledge love . She so quickly drops her irritation or anger with something, if I just give her a beseeching look and ask for a "tight-a huggy". It is almost ruthless how she forgets the past second's hostility in this moment's love. And she goes on to give a tight hug and a bonus kiss with her slate clean. No baggage there. How do children do that? For me the joy is in how she acknowledges me. All I have to do is give her a loving look (sometimes I am not aware of it myself). If she happens to catch my look, she smiles immediately and says "I-o-dee" (which means 'I love you' in her language).  I was feeding her once and a little bit of the porridge oozed out onto the side of her mouth. Her tongue couldn’t reach it. I had been busy with taking the next spoonful, arranging her bib or something like that, that she had been at it for a while when at last I noticed her trying to reach it. I said that I'm so sorry I didn’t see, and wiped it clean. She gave a grin of relief and then insisted that she give me a hug and "i-o-dee" before we proceed with the more mundane process of eating.  How does she know when I am upset or hurt about something? She is not even two years yet.  She then does things which are very clearly aimed at bringing me out of my blues. Which of course they do. She is so forgiving about the mistakes I make in my engagement with her, she puts me to shame about all the resentments I carry. These resentments are a part of the huge wall I have built around myself that stops me from an open expression of love. She clearly has no inhibitions in showing love, in casual and deep ways. One morning I was lazy and didn’t respond to her mindfully. She indicated to me in no uncertain terms that I was behaving shabbily and she would rather be with someone who would no doubt be decent with her: "amma vendaam, appa venum" (don’t want mom, want dad). Wasn’t I quick in mending my ways! However she was not waiting to see me mend my ways. She had moved on to something that had her completely enthralled and she turned to me demanding that I see it. I can just go on describing numerous such ways in which she expresses and acknowledges love. But what sort of a memory is this, that forgets emotional gymnastics and carries no such luggage, but soaks and absorbs so much learning? How is it programmed to remember in minute detail , many things about the world and itself and yet forget some other particular aspects? What freedom. Children are so free to love, so wholly, because of the way their memory functions.

We are also meant to love in such freedom, aren't we? We also undoubtedly loved this way when we were children. We collect so much grime along the way and fail to see clearly. I am constantly learning how she does it. Funnily enough, I keep recollecting practices and suggestions that the greatest masters have prescribed for such a love when I see my daughter's behaviour (in general, children). No jokes! Pratipaksha Bhavana is something that the Yoga Sutra and the Bhagavad Gita prescribe - replacing one thought with an opposite or another thought / action / behaviour. The descriptions are typically about cultivating and understanding opposite perspectives, countering destructive thoughts with thoughts of the opposite nature, becoming the other etc. I see her doing just this much of the time. If I give a stern look, she counters it with a wicked smile. If she just has to have a certain type of food that she doesn’t like, with every mouthful she utters a protesting cry, and then she immediately changes it by finding something else interesting to look at, or take refuge in holding me or talking to me. And so, myriad ways. Another important sutra talks of cultivating maitri (congeniality, friendliness), karuna (empathy, helpfulness), mudita (cheerfulness) and upeksha (imperturbability - towards failures, people who cant be changed and so on).  I simply watch her flabbergasted, while she practices one or more of these traits in different contexts and situations.

An all important principle underlying all others I feel is how children are able to live in the here and now. This is what enables them to love with such abandon and freedom. Because of being forever in this moment, they walk light. Nothing burdens them. They have no walls around them - of assumptions and conditionings and stereotypes and other barriers. They are free to love. They are free.

An afternoon at Dakshinchitra

It is holidays time, and all of us are trying to figure out ways and ways to keep the kids occupied. I remember a time when as kids we kept ourselves occupied, got into a few scrapes of course (that goes without saying!), and have turned out pretty good in life. Come summer holidays and we simply had a good time, there was so much SPACE to do it in, all kinds of space. Today, children have no space (mental / emotional / physical....) to get into one teeny weeny scrape. They are mandatorily helped to occupy themselves, and everything is available to them packaged and ready-made, even fun. What happened to plain old fashioned just-FUN? Playing-street-cricket-or-marbles fun? Roaming-the-streets-of-Anna Nagar-or-Mylapore-on-a-cycle-under-the-relentless-sun fun? Just good old unorganised fun discovered, explored, conducted, experienced by children themselves? Instead, the chennai middle class (all strata of it) try and put their children in camps and workshops so that they are occupied and out of trouble's way, and of course activities that are fun and at the same time 'educational'. So there are summer camps with science, movement, storytelling, photography, tech stuff, music, arts, aerobics, calligraphy, cursive writing (!), English speaking, theatre, writing stories, origami, jewellery making, crossword puzzles, indoor and outdoor games, carpentry, basic electronics, embroidery, pot painting.... the list is endless. If I were a kid today, I would put 'educational' in my list of bad words. We educate them through the year, and not satisfied, we continue to do the same during the vacation as well, organise and monitor them and their activities down to the last detail. The plants grow and flowers bloom when no one is looking.

Although that was a rant, the present urban reality also presents itself, which is another list - of plausible reasons for unorganised, original fun being an impossibility - times have changed, roads are full of traffic and pollution, working parents, children learn all kinds of things from their peer these days (when wasn't this true?) all they want to do is play video games (which we have brought upon ourselves), these are competitive times - picking up skills and learning new things are good for him / her and will also keep them out of trouble, where is the physical space .... and it goes on. Here, I take a turn and rather than going in the direction of dissecting these reasons (since it would be quite obvious to the reader where I come from), I would rather share (promote!) some of the interesting activities / places for parents and children / families to enjoy together in Chennai, that I have been thinking about since my trip to such a place - which still let remain some space for unorganisation, freedom and orginality.

I visited Dakshinchitra, Chennai a couple of weeks back and it brought back to me all the simple joy and pleasure of my earlier, much younger visits to the place. First and foremost, the vast amount of pedestrian SPACE to simply move about - what happiness. Most of us know that it is a heritage centre / museum of arts, crafts, and architecture of South India. It is a very special kind of a museum where traditionally built houses from our villages were purchased, dismantled and relocated at the centre. The place also has many stalls with handicrafts and artefacts and also small thatched enclosures where one can try their hand at some of the art and craft. An undeniable 'educational' destination (if one wants it to be so) for a summer afternoon - one which offers aesthetic, wholesome spaces and sheer experience of culture; a veritable storehouse of traditional knowledge. I made my first clay pot, a small one, and it has been sun-drying for the last two weeks; I will now bake it in the oven.

I also got my palms covered with mehendi, which was somehow irreristible. We also saw a puppet theatre stage being prepared for a show. One can experience working at the loom, with clay, making puppets, making artefacts and products out of natural material, painting on different media, and a whole host of such activities. For those who are so inclined, there are also summer and weekend classes and workshops where children and also families together can learn some of the folk arts and crafts (both, livelihood and performance). There is something very significant about a vast pedestrians only space - feet slow down, and minds still. I saw the children there; in first glance - happy, confident, free, engaged!

Dakshinchitra got me thinking about other spaces and activities in and around the city that can be explored and which are not exclusive, elite, expensive and intentionally educational.

- The Guindy Children's Park and Snake Park

- Crocodile Bank, ECR

- In fact, the word 'park' brings to my mind - many of the parks in the city have been cleaned and 'greened' for walkers and are good spaces for an evening of walk / play / hanging out

- The Tower park, Anna Nagar (It is fun to try and race up the tower; although I am not so sure whether people are allowed to go up the tower these days)

- Vedanthangal Bird Sanctuary

- Fort St. George (there is much that can be seen and discussed about here)

- Government Museum, Egmore (Although perhaps one may argue that a museum is 'educational')

- The Marina Beach (offers innumerable past times, activities and interesting stuff, not to forget the bajjis and sugarcane juice treats by evening)

- The Eliots Beach, Besant Nagar

- Vandalur Zoo (One can tire out just walking around)

- Mahabalipuram

- Vivekananda Illam or Ice House

- The Theosophical Society (there are visitor's timings, look for the famous banyan tree and walk to the broken bridge)

If one has the mood and mind, there are the temples - A few of them that I have been to:

- Kapaleeswarar temple, Mylapore (Just walking around the streets of Mylapore would be so interesting - it is filled with a gamut of stores and activities; by evening there is a bajji vendor behind the RASI store who gives the most mouth-watering bajjis)

- Marundeeswarar Temple, Tiruvanmiyur

- Velankanni Church, Besant Nagar

- Ekambareswarar Temple, Mint Street

- St Thomas Garrison Church and St Thomas Mount

A personal opinion is that these big temples are so very free-ing for children to go to, because I have noticed that adults do not monitor kids so much inside a temple, and there is just so much physical space for them to run about and do their own thing and yet the central focus and purpose sitting right inside the sanctorum cannot be moved too far from.

A completely different kind of place and activity is Parrys (the chennai one! note the spelling). It bursts upon one with its variety of sights, sounds, shapes, and smells and colours and wares. Just walking around in the streets and exploring the different shops, places, observing the traders and people - all of it is a life experience. Some of the places to see / visit are the Armenian Church, Kothavalchavady market, mint street (dont forget the Ekambareswarar temple), Kandaswamy temple, the different bazaars (each street is a bazaar for one type of product) and it is endless. If we are in Parrys, we necessarily have to finish the trip with samosas and lassi at Agarwal Bhavan on Govindappa Naicken street (they are to die for).

The above are places that just popped up on first thought - I am sure there are more. However, it is clear that the criteria for these places are time, willingness to explore, go with the flow of kids, situations and contexts, and unorganisation to some extent. Some space for unorganisation is an unequivocal factor because it is with such freedom to conduct and organise one's own time, play, fun - such unmonitored, unmeasured, unevaluated fun that actually leads to self learning and some very important life skills (for want of a better word). However I am also not saying that children should never go to camps and summer classes, far from it; just that let us not make a fetish of "fun n learning activity". In fact, one of the best options could be to just let him / her BE, and see what comes out of that empty space - of course, set down simple checks and balances, like rules and time limits for TV and video games. Experiment and see for how long a child can say, "I am bored, or I dont know what to do, tell me what to do or let me watch TV". But, this requires patience and courage.

It is secondary (from the perspective of our summer holidays time), that during those days, year after year, even as we had tons of fun, one learnt cycling while trying to keep up with the elder children; another gained a lot of confidence after mastering the art of climbing a tree; yet another just kept collecting stones, twigs, odd material from nature just because he liked it and played with all the materials (he is a popular naturalist /ecologist of chennai today; he is also a designer); one girl just shut herself up in her room and kept dancing to popular dance numbers (she is a popular dancer and entertainment professional today); a friend just pottered around with cycles and tools and such (he works in a bank today but it is known that at home he is the plumber, mechanic, electrician all of it put together); a bunch of us explored walking and cycling on different streets and compared notes, made maps, took surveys on what people (perfect strangers that we met in the shops and on the roads) thought of the traffic and randoms information just for the 'fun' of it; a group of us put together an evening's show that included dance performances, a skit, a speech, a mimicry show and advertisements, for the adults; I volunteered at an orphanage, worked at selling a newspaper door to door, researched and wrote content for a website, took tuitions for the younger children, and got involved with other such random activity; a girl refused to do anything but read fiction (English) one summer for no particular reason and found the following year that her vocabulary had just leaped, some from the group of children in my apartment got together and helped the mothers and grandmothers with pickling and pappad-making (since summer is the time when the entire year's stock is made in many Indian households) ......this can go on endlessly.

But looking back, I realise that we taught each other so many things, all of us in our teens and younger (starting age about 6 or 7), we all mingled with so many different groups of children through these myriad activities. Of course, there is a flip side to this as well, as for all things in this world - for instance, there was a guy who got into looking at porn magazines, there were a boy and girl who fancied themselves in love with each other. Dont kill me, but none of us are in any pitiable condition or have gone 'astray' because of any of this. The guy had gotten out of his habit of porn by the next summer holidays, and the boy and girl forgot that they fancied each other by the end of the holidays. And the other children wouldn't keep quiet with this sort of a thing. They either ganged up with or against, sometimes bully someone out of whatever they are doing or snitch on them (go to the parents, although this is unpardonable) - the options are many. But we also learnt to make decisions, quick ones as well as thought out and analysed ones; we learnt to manage time; we fought and made up and then made rules and resolutions during the rehearsals for the evening show for the elders; we learnt to work alone as well as with teams and with each other; we learnt to make things interesting for ourselves; we discovered things of interest; we became adept at investigating events, people; we all learnt resourcefulness; we learnt to plan, and also have backup and contingency plans; we learnt to handle money, draw up budgets and work with accounts (sigh! unfortunately I am not among the ones who learnt this), my friend started maintaining a journal and all she did was write about her day, emotions and feelings and so on in it at the cost of being ridiculed by most of the boys (she later did English literature and Journalism and has worked as a content writer and journalist for popular newspapers and continues to do so) ... this list is endless as well - however the important fact is that all of this was accomplished without adult supervision and intervention (read: interference) except for some rules and checks that would regulate food and rest timings, and sometimes even grounding if too much rule-breaking happened.

I reiterate: none of the above were our objectives. We were just out to enjoy our holidays. And we didnt have any of it pre-planned, designed and packaged for us. We just went out there, and HAD FUN!

30-hour Project, The School KFI

Event News from Chennai: 

Last week I had been to The School, Krishnamurthy Foundation, for a presentation by the (now) XII^th Std. students. These students were involved in a project called the 30-hour project the previous year. The deal was that during that year, each student would spend a total of 30 hours doing / learning something new, besides his academics. The objective of this activity was that s(he) gets to do something that s(he) loves and wants to do, besides being a shift away away from their scholarly pursuits. Each of the 20-odd students made a presentation on their 30-hour project.

Just before the programme began: the Assembly Hall in their school made colourful with different displays around the hall, students from other classes gathered to watch their seniors, parents and others joining the crowd, and the persons to be on stage busily tinkering around the place in preparation.

The event started with music and jamming. Three guys with their guitars, and drums playing an orginal composition. They then got the corwd tapping their feet to a spontaneous rendition of Jamming. The result: raw energy, pulsating music and high talent. There were other music sessions – one girl playing the veena, and yet another singing. There was one who said she didn’t know her own mother-tongue, and so started learning it – malayalam. She recited nursery rhymes in malayalam, and then went on to sing a malayalam song too. The business magnate shared the business experience that he got by working in his mother’s two-wheeler Showroom. The historian shared his learning and titbits from a book on Indian History that he had read, became quite impassioned with his subject until he was told to stop by his co-presentors. The pioneer who learnt and practiced tentpegging and proudly announced that she is one of the first tentpeggers in the country. The sportsman showing off the smart and smooth moves that he practices now while playing basketball and confounds the opponent. Besides these, there was capentry, origami, tye-and-dye, mehendi, camera-making, sketching, design / art, model-making, cooking, embroidery, and welding.

On the surface it might have been just another cultural event. But the students themselves and what they shared with the audience made all the difference. All of them were candid, simple and unassuming about what they had to say. They all shared the difficulties they had faced during the course of their project, new learning that they acquired, ideas that struck them etc. The student who made the camera said that there is some problem because of which it does not take the photo now but he hasn’t yet solved it. Another who said he wanted to study literature in his mother-tongue (telugu) but gave up because it was too difficult, and instead made models of a bike and a monster both of which run on motor. The potential entrepreneur who displayed a lamp shade that he had made, and spoke about how he did not just learn carpentry from his teacher but also how this can be made in to a profitable business and developing his entrepreneurial skills and abilities. The novice chef admitted that she does not enjoy cooking much, and so decided that she had to learn it and get acquainted with it. She brought some dishes for sampling, which were pronounced delicious. There were others who not content with just learning the skill or art, did some background study about it and presented this information too. Like, who started the practice of wearing Mehendi, when and the evolution of the art. Each one of them had their unique style of presenting their stuff, and each had something new and different to offer.

Above all, the knowledge that this team had to share with us was of learning itself and work– that ways of learning and education is not simply within the textbooks or inside the classrooms. Education is for all times and spaces – one only has to look for it and be aware of it. And in this learning and awareness, there is only the healthy drive to excel in whatever one is doing and enhance each other’s development. This cooperation, harmonised effort and an aware learning is what is needed to transform education to success and achievement.