Of Listening and Self Discipline

This is a corollary and continuation to the Introduction of this blog.  To summarise the introduction: everybody wants to have their say, and the vast ocean of personal blogs in the world wide web seems to be expressing the same desire; however, who is truly listening, to understand and engage in a meaningful way?

Let's go further now, and ask, what if one was truly listening, just to listen?  Listening for the purpose of listening.  What does that mean?  That there is no agenda or purpose for the listening, save for that of listening.  There is no purpose (not even to understand and engage, so there truly is NO purpose except this moment's act of listening) - what happens then?  There will first probably be no inspiration to rush in to say anything to the other by way of advice or opinions or thoughts or comments or suggestions.

When can there be no other agenda except that of listening?  There actually seems to be no sphere of everyday human functioning where this listening is happening consciously.  There are of course special circumstances when this may be taking place (or at least the intention for this type of listening is present).  One obvious circumstance is that of counseling and psychotherapy besides other specific groups and spaces which may be looking at such a way of engagement, perhaps as part of a larger exploration of living meaningfully.

So when can there be no motivation to change the other through advice and comments and reactions and responses?  For if we examine with care, we will see that all our advice to others is almost always in the realm of changing and reforming the other.  We want to change them such that they can see the light, the same as we are.  The way they are seeing it and / or not seeing it, and / or seeing darkness, and / or something else entirely, are situations somehow not acceptable to us.  And it is not acceptable to us, because each of us have our frames of reference and contexts that we think from, and have already decided that our ways of thinking and doing are right and the other wrong and thus pass judgment and give labels.  I am also acutely aware that there is a huge jump in the earlier sentence and there are a lot of steps to be taken before we get to this point in the inquiry.  Also, the passing of judgment is not necessarily with vicious intent or even emphatically stated; it is part of the conditioning that we pick up and internalise consciously and unconsciously through culture, society, our parents first, then extended family, teachers, friends, and so on. For instance, "Don't cry like a girl" is an oft repeated statement, and this may be defended by saying that it is just a casual comment and / or said lightheartedly. However, we need to stay with the statement and see why it is even there. This is simply one example of how judgments are present in everything we choose to think, do, not think, not do and so on.  An important aspect to consider is that these insidious judgments are turned on ourselves also - that is, when I have a judgment about another person, it is for sure that I have that judgment on myself.  And this will work in such hidden ways and manifest as convoluted knots that would leave one stupefied and sometimes wondering, "What the hell was I thinking, doing such and such a thing?!".   To give a simplistic example, if I carried the above judgment, "dont cry like a girl", I may then be someone who would hate to cry . And hence, every time I feel like crying I would judge myself to be a wimp (just like a girl - a whammy there: crying is wrong / wimpy, girls cry, girls are wrong / wimpy), and try to suppress it. Either I succeed in suppressing it all the time, and like a pressure cooker, its going to burst some place some time, or, I may end up punishing myself covertly and unconsciously each time I cry or want to cry, or do both, suppress and punish*.  It could go further: the earlier sequence of thinking may not end with 'girls are wimpy', but take a jump and say 'boys are not wimpy'.  This may manifest in a girl being / behaving like, a "tomboy" for instance.  We will not go further with all the implications of this one judgment.

However, the above was to see how our judgments are playing all the time when we are supposedly listening to someone else^.  Much of our listening to the other, happens with this clamour going on inside our heads.  And each time we offer a piece of advice, interrupt with a solution, give a shout of appreciation and so on, we may very well be answering to the clamour inside rather than engaging with the person in front of us.

I also think that this entire self-feeding cycle of having so much to say, and listening but not listening has its beginning and roots in our childhood.  How many of us listen to children in this manner, without imposing our selves on them? Much of society and cultures see children as clay to be moulded and trained in particular ways.  If we were to listen to children without the clamour inside, that in itself would be demonstration enough for them, one would think.  Many of us are still the children that we were, wanting to be listened to fully.  So this takes us back to the question, when and how can we listen to the other without this motivation to change the other, from a space of no judgment?

For me, this practice starts with my earlier question about listening without imposing my self.  All the clamour inside is part of my self.  How can I allow the noises of my self to subside and make room for the sounds coming from the other, so that I can truly listen to them? That is the practice**.   I also see that it is not possible to force the self-noise into silence.  There is another piece that speaks of how training and controlling is a cruder form of disciplining that has its limited context and necessity.  One could follow a more meaningful form of self discipline, wherein, the disciplining is a journey of self discovery** and we discover the patterns of our judgments and understand our selves better. And that journey of discovery is also the journey of transformation.  And also the journey of truly listening, and discovering the other - because in a paradoxical way, the journey of self discovery allows the self (noise) to dissipate, giving us a chance to recognise the other, and perhaps also see that the other is not different from the self.

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* That many of us ("normal", mentally stable persons) punish ourselves for many of our perceived mistakes and judgments and so on is a known psychological phenomenon, and there are several studies on self-punishment.

^ To look at this matter as one's judgments interfering with true listening is one perspective, one view of the scene.  There would be other ways definitely; other views of the same scene.

** This is also the practice and journeying in the path of Yoga

What is Self Discipline

Self discipline is mostly defined as the ability to control oneself, wherein the 'oneself' takes its myriad shapes and forms, depending on who is saying it and the context - control feelings, control senses, controlling distractions and so on.  This is one level of truth; controlling these manifestations of the self does lead to some sort of a discipline in functioning.

What is discipline? It is defined in the crudest way possible as training to obey, through punishment and / or penitence.  This is one level of truth; most systems and spaces use this for maintaining law and order and agreed that this is necessary.  Penitence of course falls squarely in the space of self disciplining.

However, I see that control (controlling of the self) and training and punishment (towards disciplining) can only go so far and no more.  These meanings and actions can be used for immediate and urgent purposes and in not-stable states of being, however to continue with them as the standard for all times can only bring disaster. For, this brings in control and training from an external source in order to establish right action, and this is necessary in difficult times.  But this in no way ensures that transformation has occurred within and the inappropriate action will not be repeated.  Penitence, insofar as it is regret is fine and can be translated to action, but penitence as guilt is a non-starter and leads to a destructive cycle of self blame, judgment, negative labeling and non-action.

Following this meaning and context of self discipline all the time will actually defeat itself in the long run.  Training to control could be like training a dog or a horse and I can only visualise the animal straining at the leash, hurting itself, its throat.  Over time, the leash will fray; at some point the animal may turn and attack the trainer.  Gradually the animal may get trained to obey by way of punishment (and reward).  There is no question here of self thought, discovery and understanding*.  We do the same to ourselves.  We are our own puppets.  In this space and path of self discipline, we manipulate and destroy ourselves.  That self is becoming more and more contorted and twisted.

Photo taken at Nirkunram Campers near Chengalpet

A higher form of discipline takes off from the word, 'disciple', from being a disciple.  A disciple is a follower, devoted to something or someone.  In being a disciple, he thinks some thoughts, does not think others, follows some practices, eschews practices that does not help her in being a disciple and so on.  And hence he / she is on the path of discipline.  Does he / she slip?  Of course, yes.  He may indulge for a while in a practice that does not help the disciple in him.  She may not actively take up actions that are required for her to be a wholesome disciple.  But the context and framework for the self discipline is clear.

So, disciplining arises from a purpose.  Taken this way, I sometimes feel that all disciplining can only be self disciplining - be it any entity, an individual, a village, an organisation, a campaign... "What is that purpose?" that disciplining is arising from, is of course an entire domain of its own and worth an independent inquiry and space.

What will happen in this kind of disciplining is that, 'discipline' is removed from its shackles of being a station that one has to get off at, and becomes a journey of self discovery and understanding.  On this journey, the self is understood better and better, deeper:  Why are there some fears?  When is it that one is courageous?  When does one feel sad? When, happy? How does one act with others? Why do I think in a particular way? What makes one feel energetic? What makes me follow the path of discipline... and so on and so forth.

And then, when the patterns of the self start getting clearer and clearer, the road of discipline also gets sparkling clear ahead of oneself.  And this may include moments of a cruder form of self discipline, may include times of indulgence or violation and so on, however one can be back on the road, or perhaps is still on it and playing hooky. There is then the process of penitence and prayaschittam, in their higher forms, all in the path of self discovery (disciplining).

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*  It of course is an assumption that one actually wants all that in the first place - authentic thought, discovery and understanding; however we are looking at a meaning of self discipline that will sustain, and that sustenance includes these ideas.

The Point of an Oxymoron

The title of this blog is an oxymoron, "Precise Ramblings". We come across oxymorons all the time, and may not even notice them, and / or take them for granted as part of everyday language, ordinary.  Well, they are and they are not.

Original copy... pretty ugly... minor issues... clearly misunderstood.... crash landing .... found missing .... old news .... open secret... random order!

The first time I came across the idea of an oxymoron was sometime in my 7th or 8th grade, and it fascinated me no end.  I don't remember the actual oxymoron, however I remember the sense of sudden joy and the burst of feeling every time I encountered an oxymoron or came up with one myself.  I still carry that feeling.

Image from soulspartan.com

At the time, it was explained to us in our English class as a phrase that has two opposite or contradictory statements put together, which gives insightful and / or humourous and / or ironic meaning.  Yes, oxymorons lend themselves to a clever turn in language, and leave us with a laugh or a gleam.  However, why should that clever turn in language give the reader his or her keen response? What quality in those words evokes its usual responses?  The turn is not one of language alone.

The oxymoron is not simply a phrase or a word that ends when the word ends on the page.  It is an ongoing phenomenon.  The point of an oxymoron is simultaneity.  It is only by holding together two seemingly contradictory truths, at the same time, the third truth is constantly discovered.

To give an example,
one way in which Ahimsa is defined is "to know one's limits", however, one needs to constantly test those limits to actually know them. Therein lies the paradox of Ahimsa.  The writer-philosopher, Chaturvedi Badrinath says of this: "the paradox of limits, which consists in the fact that one becomes aware of one's limits only by transgressing them; there is no known way by which one can know one's limits in advance."  Which for me means that the oxymoron is a constant process and discovery.  Like life.  It cannot be a stinking, one-point stagnation. We can of course in our limitation think, believe and act like it is so, while life itself is a constant affirmation of its flow.  It is a flow of simultaneously holding two seemingly contradictory movements, and in seeing them together, at the same time, the third, deeper and larger truth can be held.

A simultaneous holding and being in that space of tension between the two, and finding the truth therein.  How can some words strung together be precise and ramble at the same time? What are those truths when discussed allow my words the freedom and flexibility to meander and twist and turn and yet stay constant and focused?  Why is it important for me to be precise and ramble at the same time?  When do those A-ha! moments* occur, holding both together and creating art? The space and journey of this oxymoron, Precise Ramblings.
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* Many thanks to one of my teachers, Sashi Anant, for this bang-on phrase, "A-ha moment"

Yes, Mother Earth

Yes, I think that it is essential today that we (humans) include the impact of every decision and action of ours on the Earth, her environment and beings other than ourselves as well, as a non-negotiable factor.

Yes, All usage and making of polythene bags must be stopped, even if it makes life inconvenient

Yes, I always carry a cloth and / or paper bags with me

Yes, I more often than not talk to vendors and shop keepers about the nature of plastic and the importance of biodegradable material

Yes, these days many of them listen patiently and courteously and sometimes shrug helplessly and at other times enter into a conversation

Yes, I have at last started working with the soil and getting my hands dirty

Yes, I believe that every human being must do the above for some duration of their lives, if not the whole of it

Yes, children learn a LOT by tending to plants (nurseries, saplings...) and the soil

Yes, animals, birds, insects and plants are as intelligent, if not more, as human beings

Image from FB group "attn:"

Yes, we must buy as local as possible and without plastic packaging whenever possible

Yes, I mostly buy organic foods and produce

Yes, there is an issue that much of organic foods come in plastic packaging

Yes, we must reduce what we waste and what we throw away

Yes, I try and reduce, reuse, and recycle and also repair (or get repaired!) wherever and whenever possible (there is a much longer "re" list)

Yes, we live and act in a world of contradictions - an obvious one for now being that I bring to you this post using technology that has been made displacing people, gouging out the Earth, and using other such unsustainable and violent ways

Yes, I used cloth diapers for my daughter, both home-made (old sarees and dhotis) as well as commercial (bum-genius and so on) most of the time (70% approx*)

Yes, I have at last almost fully converted to using re-usable menstrual pads for 6 months or so now (90% of the times approx)**

yes, we must all cultivate the music of friendly, and inclusive conversations and dialogue, and reduce the noise of fight-or-flight reactions and finding fault with oneself and others and excessive consumption

Yes, it is possible for all, for Mother earth to discover the abundance and prosperities within us

Yes, I believe and see the traditional wisdom that we (humans) are one and whole parts of Mother Earth, this creation, rather than intelligent, superior beings born to utilise this Earth and her resources

Yes, Mother Earth offers all that she is and has, out of the order of being, and compassion

Yes, humankind mistakenly perceives the above to be commodities and puts prices on all of them

Yes, I believe that we must exchange goods and services wherever, whenever possible and reduce the use of paper / metal currency

Yes, there is so much beauty in Nature

Yes, there is everything to learn from Nature (and being outdoors)

Yes, there is so much logic, order and symmetry in the ways and being of Mother Earth

Yes, it is important to give attention to what we eat, feel the texture, the flavours, smells and colours of what we are eating

Yes, I have hugged trees many times

Yes, please go do it (hug a tree, that it, or many of them). Feel the coarse bark, breathe in the tree's scent, drink in the sight of this ecology, and wonder at her mystery

Yes, love makes Mother Earth go round (listen to Madonna's song, 'Love makes the world go round')

Yes, I am sure this is just a starter list and there could be a zillion more yeses for and with Mother Earth

Yes, I challenge you to add your own and commit

The above random Yes-list held together by a commitment to treading softly on our Earth, was inspired by a post that had a 'No-list'.
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*, ** : These figures are based on my subjective reading of the situations

One Breath at a Time

A popular cafe chain advertises saying, a lot can happen over a cup of coffee.  Much, much

Image from sentimetalico.blogspot.com

 more can happen in the space of one breath.  Think why: when one is angry or agitated or stressing big time about something, one of the first instructions given is: "Take a deep breath." And a yoga teacher may follow it up by saying, "now, release it s-l-o-w-l-y, feel it leaving your body and empty yourself completely, now pause." 

What happens when you take a deep breath? 

Normally, we are not even aware of breathing.  We go through the days and activities, mostly breathing unconsciously.  It is only in not-normal or not-collected situations that one becomes aware of one's breath - dashing madly to catch the train, surprise or shock, occasionally even while excited about something.  These are the times when there is an adrenaline rush in the body and the breath starts coming faster. Imagine, the heart has to start beating fast and our lungs have to work overtime in order for us to take note; we are in such a race, chasing after all the good things that life has to offer.  The breaths hasten and trip over each other and lessen life span and quality. It is a known and understood fact that creatures with slower breath rates live longer. The elephant, for example. Dogs on the other hand huff and puff and pant and have a much shorter life span.  The respiration rate is also connected to heart rate and health.  Shorter, quicker breaths usually means that the respiratory process would not be supplying oxygen in a steady and consistent manner to the heart.  As a result, the heart muscle would be pumping extra in order to distribute the not-steady and not-consistent supply of oxygen and get enough of it to the other muscles in the body.  This definitely has a negative impact over oxygen intake and health of the heart, thus robbing the body of strength and vitality.  It is obvious that this would be followed by reduction in quality of functioning in more ways than merely in physical health.  It may just not be directly evident that the decreased quality of life is because of the way one is breathing. 

However, the opposite is evident - that better breathing, meaning slower and deeper breathing, definitely and tangibly increases well-being and quality of life.  Anybody who has been on a correct aasana-praanayama routine (by correct I mean, movement with the right breathing) for a few months even intermittently, will agree with the previous statement even if it is with some hesitation or doubt. Given a couple of years of consistent practice, he / she will emphasise the connection of breath to quality of life.  

Indian tradition calculates a being's life span by the number of breaths and this can be done by taking into account the respiratory rate. Our ancients say that the person is given her number of breaths even when she is born.  This means that one's life span can actually be stretched - by increasing the length of breath.  And this is also perhaps why popular idiom in Indian culture has statements like, "you gave me such a scare and have taken away 10 years of my life."  A scare would mean adrenaline and breath coming in gasps.  

So, how does one actually do this, increase one's life span and quality of life?
One breath at a time. 

Imagine you have to take just this one breath now, this breath will save your life. As you inhale slowly, your lungs and hence chest expands, the diaphragm is pushed down, and you feel the energy nourishing your body.  Then you start emptying your body of air, right from your stomach.  The abdomen gets pulled in and the diaphragm moves up again.  Your body slowly exhales and once you empty completely, you pause. You feel the lightness and the unhurriedness.  Just one breath at one time.  You can move to the next by and by.  The following will happen when you continue doing the same: 

- Your breathing will slow down (obviously!) 

- Your heart rate will slow down

- Your breathing and heart beat will discover your natural, free rhythm - the one that will feed a consistent and steady supply of oxygen to the body

- As you keep at it, YOU will slow down

- You will find your fight or flight reaction fading away gradually, and your free, natural responsive (responsible) self taking over, in time 

- The more you are able to respond, more you will breathe right, hence creating a positive and regenerative cycle of action 

And so, when you take that one deep breath, you will feel the essence of the space and quality of one breath and you will catch a glimpse of the process it would unfold.  And then, you may (could) continue practicing, one breath at a time. 

Sthirasukhamaasanam, the Magic of the Breath

Sthirasukhamaasanam - II.46, Yoga Sutra

Aasana (seat / posture) is that which is replete with well-being and stability. 

This statement from Patanjali's Yoga Sutra demonstrated itself recently and allowed me a 'profound' experience in a 'mundane' context. The experience yet again removed one of these divisions that we impose on our understanding for convenience - that of phenomena being either profound or mundane.  The profound is to be found in the mundane, and the mundane, in the profound. 

 My daughter and I were traveling in a suburban bus and it was a 2 and 1/2 hour ride. And what a ride it was!  We didn't get seats and the only available were behind the driver right up in the front.  This was one of those Volvo buses where the driver's space is a compartment by itself and the seat behind the driver is almost on top of him. As you may be able to gauge from the picture, it is an extremely precarious position - or at least it surely felt like it to me! With an infant to carry, even more so. You are looking down on a zooming road, vehicles hurtling at you (in your face) at godforsaken speeds, perched on a seat which doesn't want you. The dubious comfort of holding onto something stable (although what is stable about a stampeding huge contraption on the ECR is beyond me) is denied you because both your hands are somehow tied up with securing your child to yourself.  She needs to sleep; this is necessary if you want to ensure that the rest of the day passes in comfort for her and you and other poor, unsuspecting souls around.  And your child particularly needs a good amount of comfort to fall asleep and stay in sleepyland for a while.  I thought kids came possessing the secret knowledge to dozing off in any awkward, bizarre position; this one missed those lessons.  

We have here a situation worthy of Adisesha, the thousand-headed snake holding the Lord as he rests. The story goes that sage Patanjali (who gave us the Yoga sutra) is the incarnation of Adisesha.  While discussing this sutra, sthirasukhamaasanam, one of my teachers, an ardent fan of Patanjali, asked me to consider: "Who is the enemy of the snake? The eagle.  And who is the eagle hovering around Vishnu? Garuda.  So Adisesha had to feel and be sthiram (stable) and sukham (comfortable) while Garuda is around."  He is holding the Lord; he doesn't want to be shifting around to get rid of pins and needles.  He also does not want to make one wrong move, lest the eagle swoops.  Absolute stillness under fire.  One's aasanam to be called thus, has got to be sthiram and sukham not simply in favourable conditions; it's got to be so in the most seemingly 'unfavourable' situations. 

I struggled around awkwardly for a while, adjusting bags, trying to hold onto something, shifting my daughter in my arms to get her comfortable, with her protesting about the movement.  Then the bus lurched. Almost falling, I steadied myself and happened to look up at the road.  Two things happened simultaneously at that moment.  I saw the whizzing scenery in front of me and felt the thrill, the adrenaline rush of danger, and also caught sight of a woman in the driver's rear view mirror.  She was holding a baby, and I said, "Hey, that's a yoga teacher I know!"  The world shifted on its axis, and I exhaled slowly, and long, feeling it in my throat (as how one does while doing aasana practice).*  Then, an inhale. Another long exhale.  A few more such breaths.  With that, my body's intelligence took over.  Without thought, just like that, my body changed my position, I adjusted my legs so that they don't hang, held my daughter securely allowing her to merge more into my space, turned slightly and leaned against the window, all in a graceful flash of a moment (at least, I felt graceful).  

See picture alongside, for the changed position, not to see a graceful curve, or lack of it thereof.  Incidentally, this position also had more butt-space, the comfort of which was infinite.  We seldom are conscious and thankful of it when we usually sit on comfortable, full-butt spaces, are we? I think Thich Nath Hanh called it, to be aware of the non-tooth ache feeling.  

Now with every breath, the space of "aasanam" was welcoming me into it and enfolding me more and more.  The bus twisted and tottered and teetered, the breath held the world steady.  My heart now rat-a-tatted in a peaceful rhythm, and my daughter sighed as she burrowed deeper into sleep.  I was at the same time, quite still all over, and also intensely alive and aware to the scenes and smells streaking past, in slow motion.  I became very aware of the people around, and started judging correctly how the bus was going to move next by looking at the driver's subtle movements (his hands, where he looked, in which direction and how his body inclined as he drove etc).  My  entire being simply, constantly re-adjusted itself to the changes such that it can allow my daughter to be comfortable.  So the body actually felt like a bean bag, completely giving in and squished and relaxed to accommodate the sleeping child and yet alert (even joyous) to the vagaries of the bus and the road, maintaining stillness. The breath kept working it's magic.   

Eventually, my daughter woke up, and we both thoroughly enjoyed the sights and sounds offered to us, ate some idlis and got off at our stop happily.  

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* The shift that happened in that split second in the recognition of the yoga teacher is worthy of an independent inquiry and is not within the scope of this piece

The Gamut of Human Experience

the wonder of a rainbow;

the joy of kittens playing;

the intensity of a forest fire;

the achievement of reaching a milestone;

stepping into squeamish quagmire,

the fear of death.

an inexplicable, spontaneous connection;

mother earth's compassion;

the stillness of a mountain lake... 

What is the difference between Imagination and fantasy

Someone asked me this question during a discussion on visualisation and fantasising. It is not a matter of the difference between them.

Patanjali's Yoga sutra states:

shabdajnananupati vastusunyo vikalpaha - verse 1.9
Our minds can imagine things that do not exist in actuality.

The Yoga sutra mentions imagination as a movement (function) of the mind, along with four others. Inventions, fantasies, artistic creations - all are in this realm.  Imagination - it is such a powerful ability.  Children have it in abundance, and it allows them to be so creative and malleable to learning. It is the power of imagination which allows us much (if not all) of art, of innovation, invention, visualisation...

The imaginative capacity is a necessary one for human existence and endeavour. However, what happens when imagination becomes a compulsion?  By compulsion here, I mean getting carried away with one's imagination.  Anything not in one's control is compulsion.  For example, TV watching is a compulsion with many today.  What usually starts as an escapism or a coping mechanism for stress gradually takes over one's life as a compulsion.  Or when any single attribute of life and living is given undue attention over others, the balance tilts and this may become a compulsion.  Like in the case of imaginative capacity and compulsive imagination. The former is necessary and the latter is a sure path to disaster.

Image from prits-dreams.blogspot.com

We see this phenomenon played out in the lives of artists and creative people again and again in various ways and at different levels of intensity and impact.  As long as it remains an imaginative capacity, it remains under the artists' control, and once it moves into the domain of compulsion, it controls the artist.  This seems to be an edge that artists dance on and around.  One side is imagination and the other side, compulsion - getting lost in one's imagination.  Every creative person seems to be walking or tottering or dancing or playing with this edge. For example, the performer on stage hopping between illusion and reality.  We see this happening with some extremely creative people, over time they are lost to the world of reality.  Artists (I use the word 'artist' for people who are in touch* with their imaginative capacity) have to necessarily work with this edge, whether they are conscious of it or not. In fact, not being aware of it, an artist drowns in compulsion.

As long as one remains on that edge, creativity seems to be one's lover.  Staying on that edge welcomes creativity.  Staying on that edge means not getting carried away and lost in one's imagination.  What does it mean to stay on that edge? How to stay with that line?  By taking the apavarga** location, the location of attention and watchfulness. Staying on that line means the artist can actually step back and watch her own performance. And dance the dance.  Not being able to observe would mean that over time, the artist would (may) tip over into compulsive patterns and behaviour and this can lead to madness of some sort.

Image from civasakthi.blogspot.com

Yoga is about discovering that observer location within oneself.  And with diligent and constant practice, that line or edge may actually expand, become an all-inclusive seamless expanse, simply space, where Nataraja would dance his cosmic dance, Saraswathi would play her Veena, Parvati or Nandi on the mridangam, Vishnu could be playing a flute or cymbals... and all life could be a dancing of Ananda Tandava.


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* I say "in touch" because I think that every being in creation has an inherent capacity to imagine and create; Patanjali has stated it as one of the fundamental categories for the mind's movements. It is simply that some are more in touch with it than others.

** 'Apavargam' is a location of observation, inquiry and learning of the seeker / student / learner and one that would lend clarity and understanding, as juxtaposed with 'bhogam', which is a location of being stuck in the old comfortable patterns of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

What is Yoga?

A friend asked me to write a simple essay on "what is yoga?", 'simple' being the keyword. The following is an attempt:

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Today Yoga has come to mean many different things to many people.  It is a vast ocean that contains a plethora of different schools and styles of teaching.  The good news is that each of them seems to work and deliver results, for those who patronise them.  It is probable that there is so much tamas (lethargy) pervading all aspects of human life in these times - our lifestyles, the food that we consume, occupations, our recreation, that, when the body starts to move even a little bit, and we stretch hitherto unfelt muscles, and give ourselves that bit of quiet time and space, then no matter what Yoga we choose to call it, our bodies and minds seem to say “thank you” and sink into it.  

However, what is Yoga really?  Is Yoga only a set of aasanas and praanayaama (PY) breathing techniques to improve health?  Is one school of Yoga teaching a different Yoga from the other?  Is Yoga primarily to improve physical health, and thereby better the quality of life?

Let’s park these general questions for a bit and come to you and me.  What is Yoga to you?  What are your aspirations in life?  Do you want to be happy?  What does being successful mean to you?  Are you pursuing a passion with everything in you?  What is your purpose?  Do you feel that you need a purpose?  Are you in search of one?

Let me tell you a story.

The Breath Shoots the Arrow

Archery is a very ancient sport.  In Japan it is still practiced as an art very much in the same way as it was done many years ago.  The most important practice in this art is breathing.  One holds the big bow, notches the arrow, and bends the bow during the inhalation, holds the breath and waits calmly for the "perfect moment" when the arrow "shoots itself" and the breath comes out slowly.  The perfect shot is the one where the archer's breath is smooth and easy and his body shows no sign of strain throughout the shooting.  It took the archer years of practice before he could coordinate the breath with the shooting so that the whole movement was tranquil.  (- Raghu Anantanarayanan, Learning Through Yoga, Published by Krishnamacharya Yoga Mandiram, Chennai)

A sutra in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra states this as,    

                Prayathnashaithilya anantasamaapatthibhyaam | II.47

                Mindful action flows with effortless ease

Have you noticed the phenomenon that you would have been searching frantically for something, and you wouldn’t find it; you would find it at some other time when you were making no effort to search for it?  Effortless effort.  That is Yoga.

Yoga is to do with one’s entire life, and every thought, feeling and action in it. 

It is to do with our relationships with ourselves and the world. 

It is to do with how your breath changes when you get angry.

It is to do with how your voice softens and the lines of your body flow when you talk to a loved one.

It is to do with how weak or energetic your body feels at the end of the day. 

And more.

There is an outer self that is engaging with the world and its problems, with life, constantly.  This self is getting hit, hurt, falling, struggling, feeling happy, sad, jealous, and so on.  There is another self that resides in your inner space, watching all the drama of life.  This is the anchored and coherent self that is able to watch and listen, and provide the space for the external self to act intelligently.  If we allow it to. People catch glimpses of it or are made aware of it all the time. 

An artist may tap into that self inspired by nature, and create works of brilliance. 

A tragedy may open the lock for an ordinary person and enable her to act with spontaneous intelligence and empathy. 

Laughter and play with an infant may dissolve all residues of fears and insecurities for those precious moments, leaving a mother crystal clear to reflect her child. 

This inner self just observes, and is vibrant and wise simply on the strength of that non-judgmental observation.  When one becomes alive to deeper and deeper levels of this self and space, outward action is gathered, coherent and intelligent. 

Becoming alive to that inner self every moment, is Yoga.  Hence Yoga is not an end, but a journey, a process.  So where does aasana and praanayaama come into this?  It could be a start.  For, the physical body is one of the primary indicators of overall wellbeing.  And working with the breath is key to this process.  The breath is the subtle connection between the mind and body and through the breath each works on the other.  Why do we say “take a deep breath” to someone who is agitated?  A lot can begin to happen in that space of one breath.  And that "lot" can be the start of true yoga practice.  

Words Also Hide Truth

A corollary to an earlier piece on words and writing.

(The earlier piece talks about how words are both my strength and weakness, and in not nourishing the strength I have let the weakness grow)

Further into the way words are being a paradox in my life, even while being in the pursuit of truth and writing it, I also use a lot of words to hide unpleasant truths first from myself and hence perhaps from the other as well.  I have not done this consciously and not all the time, and it cannot somehow fall in the category of lying, but words become a coping mechanism many times to deal with life events and situations that one does not feel capable of handling. And this has been happening at a very metal level.  I also realise that I have seen this phenomenon in the other and criticised it and so on and thus intellectualised the whole matter for myself.

I also see that often when there is clarity and truth, words are fewer and sharper and flowing.  Mostly, a poem comes out of me.  How insightful are the words of Chaturvedi Badrinath: "the paradox of language is that silence is its highest function."  

"Work is Love Made Visible" - Khalil Gibran

It has always been so "nice" to hear this above quote (and others) of Khalil Gibran.  However I realised that I now wanted tangibility.  How is work love made visible? This had become especially important because I had seen how much of a struggle working has been for me.  Why have I not been able to work at all? I had always seemed to be bogged down by "externals", "logistics", what I think of as my incapacities - all of this had seemed to stop me from working, from being able to work. 

How is work love made visible? Love for what? I really wanted to work, but it had not been happening.  By work I mean any or all kinds of work, domestic, social, the work that I had chosen for myself as part of my career. Some one or more parts would be frozen over at any given point in time.  Much more than anything else, the official work had been stagnating. Because a home means dependents, the household had to be run; there is no question of stopping there, however that could also become mechanical in a not-vibrant state of being.  

So my thoughts of incapacities and fear of failure held me frozen.  How can I work like I wanted, knowing I may fail, knowing that I don't know enough to work? There had been a layer of excuses and reasons on the surface which had to be peeled off before reaching this question.  The top layer was made up of issues around the externals like operational problems, issues with coworkers, ups and downs of balancing multiple roles of life and so on.  It took a while before getting to the hidden fear of failure and thoughts of inadequacy.  This was a layer of truth that again had to be peeled off to reveal deeper truths. 

Between that first question, "How is work love made visible?" and the other questions centered around oneself, "How can I work knowing I may fail?" etc, lies the favourite theme of writer-philosopher Chaturvedi Badrinath.  A theme that recurs in much of his expression, and now I see why.  There is a struggle between those 2 questions.  Because each question is in a different language altogether.  One is that of history, and the other, that of transcendence.  The voice that tells me I have all these limitations is the language of my history and experience - the voice of my thought-belief-perception self.  The other voice and language is that of transcendence.  Of that inner being, inner self that is watching all the drama of life.  That inner self which is love, which is oneness of all creation. 

Which voice am I aligning myself with at any given moment?  This seems to be a quintessential human struggle.  Each has its gifts and consequences.  I had always said, "Of course, I really want to work". I want to align myself with this deeper, inner self of which I have glimpses and flashes when there is clarity, when the inner space seems to be lighted. That was intention.  But what of action?  Why had it never flowed through and manifested in action?  The question here for me was, why do I want to align myself with that inner voice, and why do I want to work? Because I want to be productive, I want to be efficient, I want to be able to write the truth, every single day, I want, I want... And with this want, my mind has quietly aligned itself with the voice of the limited self.  This is self-love.  And I don't mean this in a judgmental way.  It is self-love in that I am in love with my own perceptions; taken with my perceptions of the end results of a love being made visible through work, for example. Some toys and sweets and savouries that I will be able to get from the Mela at the end of the walk.  If I am actually present there with that end in my head, it pulls me deeper into self-love.  I am struck by fear, what if I don't get those toys there in the Mela? Maybe I should see what route others are taking, then I will go to the correct Mela.  This then leads to mental paralysis, and of course paralysis of action.  In being stuck in this self-love, there is no Yoga.  There is no flowing of that inner being, love.  With that sudden sight into the struggle, the message of the Bhagavad Gita, which we have made into a platitude - "dont think of the fruits, only put in your best work" takes on such meaning and significance. 

In Yoga, that inner self flows.  And I, the actor in the drama of life, completely align myself with that flow, and allow it to make of me what it does; allow it to season me.  This feels suspiciously like surrender to me.  Funnily enough, I felt that I have been reflecting on self-effort.  What is this paradox? It perhaps is both at the same time? And life goes on.  The stage is set.  The actor is out there and in here at the same time.  And I realise that the question, which voice am I aligning myself with at any given moment?, is not an either-or question that has a one-time solution.  It then becomes a constant and on-going conversation that I engage with at every step, and that is Yoga. And this ongoing dialogue also gives one spaces and possibilities to travel back and forth between those two languages, to straddle both and, their paradoxical nature notwithstanding, take even concrete steps with seemingly abstract ideas - faith, taking responsibility, action despite / with fear and any number of ways as there are beings.  Then what begins to happen is work manifesting as a consequence of the greater self, greater love.  

About Words, Writing, and Writing Everyday

'Words'  I realise, are the big paradox of my life.  They are one of my greatest strengths and they are also one of my biggest weaknesses.  

Strength because I am able to string a few words together (in English) and make good prose or even better poetry.  I believe that the goodness comes out of my pursuit of writing the truth as I see it. I want my writing to reflect truth.  This has been such a strength that great writing achievements had been expected of me.  However as it happens with many of us sometimes or some of us many times over, an ability not practiced is no ability at all. These days there are flashes of that inherent skill now and then, and a very occasional glimpse of brilliance.  

This ability with words has also wrought disaster, because I have been so careless and thoughtless with the way I have let them loose on all and sundry.  I have hurt people, wrecked relationships and made a battlefield of the world with my words.  In not feeding my strength, I have been letting the weakness grow to gargantuan proportions.  I have allowed the weakness to prevail over and over again, fed and nourished it while my strength languished like an orphan.  

image from www.writebynight.com

Now that I have seen it, I need to feed and nourish the strength; allow it to grow so huge that there is no space for the weakness.  One can strengthen a muscle first and primarily, by exercising it. All else can only be supplementary.  I can nourish my writing essentially by writing, writing every day, and writing all the time.  I will have to write so much that I am able to understand the nuances and intricacies of words, their relationships, spaces and processes so well, that there is no possibility of making a mistake with a word. Or the very least possibility.  

I will have to practice writing every day. I want to do so. I also want to write only the truth.  For writing the truth, my words have got to come from my own experience.  I feel that they have to be so authentic that the examination of truth begins from the question of why I want to write.  However, that line of inquiry is not in the scope of this piece and can be safely set aside for another.  Coming back to writing the truth, and hence writing from experience, I see that most of the time, words fall short of the experience.  They can never communicate the original experience 'accurately' (except perhaps factual information, though I question even this), because when another is reading the words, that becomes his or her subjective process of meaning making from what is being read.  A reader would bring her experience into the process, and lend to it her uniqueness. That which makes you, you and me, me.  And hence now, there are two truths, your truth and my truth.  And my truth can also change over time?  I am remembering Mahatma Gandhi's 'Note to the Reader' in his famous book, Hind Swaraj.  He says in his note that since he is learning all the time and changing, his words about the same topic could change in subsequent writings and hence the reader must always take the latter. This means that truth also is relational. However, that there's got be something that is constant is my gut feeling.  For me now, at the very least, one constant will be that my words not inflict violence on anyone.  Which means any and all truth for me has got to go through the filter of not-being-violent (ahimsa) before it is presented.  

I wondered whether I was getting carried away with this struggle between what is constant and what is relational, and hence distracting myself from writing yet another time. And decided to write about the process.  And my pursuit of writing the truth will include this awareness that truth also is a process. It is relational, and yet there are constants.  The pursuit can only be enhanced by looking at this play of constant and relational aspects of truth given any theme.  And writing about it.  

Love

"Sorry" "sorry", a hundred times, 
With tears in her eyes.
And then again,
The same 'mistake',
For the 101th time.

Something gave this time.
What makes a mistake, a mistake? 
There's much happening within,
Before it 'happens' without.
As it happens without.

Something gave this time.
Contrition has been accepted
For a thousand times & more;
With no expectation of 'reform',
At the end of it.

A Mother's love wells up,
To hug spontaneously, tightly.
The question is, 
Could it simply be/become Love?

Ponni

My farewell to you, Ponni. Just now, the house is filled with emptiness without you in it; and with anguish that you are gone so soon, so young.  But all this will pass. What will remain are your memories. In how many ways will I remember you.... 

- I will remember your melting eyes filled with absolute, unconditional love, that gave, and gave, expecting nothing in return. Can I love like that? 
- How did you manage to look hesitant and yet confident at the same time, when you thrust your enquiring face into mine?
- where did you learn to trust like that? every moment of my life will be a learning, to trust like you did. 
- You cut through the wind like a cheetah, you were poetry in motion. I want to run, and be one with the wind and earth, like you did. 
- With what speed and unerring accuracy you went for the throat when you hunted, in just one swoop. I will just keep trying, keep practicing, for that singleminded attention and clarity of intent. 
- When you gotta play, you gotta play. Kick up a mud storm, topple the water bowl, knock down a couple of other things, and put your all into play. 
- I am in awe of your spirit. with what spirit you battled pain, still reached for that ball to play, still went on red alert with your hairs on end when you spotted danger, still tried to stand up and go out to take a piss, when you were labouring hard for breath and must have been suffering...
- I have not seen Anything as beautiful as you when you were giving birth to your babies, and took care of them, and taught them to play, to hunt, to suckle, to eat, to survive... I keep discovering the mother in me, looking at you
- - how I laugh when I think of people getting scared of your largeness; little did they know of how gentle you were... 
- I am remembering so many little and big quirky and unique things that made you, you, that I could get mad at, be irritated about, feel moved and all squishy inside, want to hug you tight, or just keep out of your sight, and simply love you through it all. And realising that I am unique and quirky in so many ways and you loved all of me. 

Thank you for sharing you with me. And thank you for waiting for us to be by your side to breathe your last. I will miss you immensely. 

Right Action

I have been grappling with a personal situation for some time now, and trying to see what is my conflict in the situation. In time, I saw that one of my central questions is, "What is 'The Right Action'?" and some part of the conflict is around this question. This seemed like a non-starter question, or not a question at all, the way I was looking at it. We are educated and conditioned to look at everything ideally, isolated, and without supporting contexts. So, for me a shiny "The Right Action" has been standing out, with bollywood sound effects in the background. But how can there be any action without a context? and its variables? Dont we all live and think and act within one context or another or more? Then, can there be one single right action? All of a sudden I feel like I know why I hated maths in school. The way we were taught maths in school was absolute. I hated its absoluteness - 2 + 2 = 4. There could be only one right answer to this. I just abhorred this only-one-answer phenomenon. Of course, today I can appreciate intellectually that an Indian approach is different. For instance, how we measure. The joy when I discovered this was immense, but it has remained intellectual. I realised when I was looking at the current situation that I am looking for my one right solution that fits all, that makes everyone happy, that is good for all and so on. 2 + 2 = 4, always. Something gave way, then. 

Could there by many possible actions, given a certain context and unchanging and variable factors? Each action with its set of consequences and chain of reaction. Can there be a 'right' or a 'wrong' about any action? But, take the case of my present situation, I have certain values that I want to adhere to, certain desires and needs that are mine and want to be satisfied, certain requirements of the overall situation, and values of others in this space, their needs, desires and so on. And I find that these are contrary to each other. When there is a conflict of this kind, the question of what is the right thing to do does come in for me. What is this 'right' then? 'Right' for whom and what? I want my actions to adhere to my values; this is 'right'. But this seems to be contrary to my desires at this point. So I am then stepping back and examining my values, where do they come from, how did they get built. I am examining my desires, what are their sources. Then, I want the 'other' to be happy with my action and accept it. This seems to be also in the realm of 'right'. But then again, stepping back, this is an expectation, not reality. So I am examining this expectation then. There is just SO MUCH that is already packed into that one word, 'right' which I am trying to unpack, unravel. But then, this examination is a lifetime process, and what happens now when the building is on fire? I cant go away and learn fire-fighting and then come back. I have to learn fire-fighting on the job, by doing it. A friend said this morning that I am writing my own bhagavad gita, which seems just what is happening. 

It is on the battlefield that Arjuna stops to examine his conflicts. However, at the point of battle, I cant say, "Hey, let me sit in a corner and study the bhagavad gita and get '10 ways to combat situation A' " (Well, maybe I can, and maybe then the battle will pass me by?!) But I want to fight this battle. Because just as for Arjuna, all battles are eventually inside me, right? And I may run away today, but will then come again and again to this point. So, I need to fight this today. From this perspective, reading some inspirational quotes or even the Yamas and niyamas, or Maitri karuna... seem to get converted to mere tools or equipment that I dont know how to use, if I say let me read them now and get some pointers, or someone directs me to them. It feels at the moment like I can only be fully present and aware and alive to this situation, to the conflicts herein, and examine and watch and respond from this visceral part of me. And perhaps if some swadhyaya has been happening in normal (whatever that means. Maybe less turbulent) times, then some bhavana of maitri karuna... may come alive. Although even saying this seems like an expectation, a gentle injunction and I have come to experience and see that no amount of spiritual training from the outside can make me really ready for this inner battle. 

And so, right action. At this point I want to replace this dense and packed word, 'right' with 'dharmic'. Dharmic action. Another dense word? The funny thing is that dharma is sometimes defined as "doing the right thing"!*@&!*!!  But if I see the sanskrit, dharati iti dharma, that which supports, nurtures, restores, revives, make alive.... So this seems like a basic and simple enough criterion for action, which, importantly for me, is dynamic, continuously changing, and creational. Something that can be mine. Something that is me. Just as the flower has her dharma, that tree has his dharma, you have yours, and I have mine. Wow! But this means that I will need to examine and discover my dharmic action for every moment. Because every moment is new, different from the previous one. And yet, it is pregnant with every moment that came before it, isnt it? Because all the moments before has led to this moment. And it has in it every moment that is going to come, because it is leading there. And I can really only be in this moment, which is great because just this moment is all of time. And it is also pregnant with its context, its changing and eternal factors, its relationships, emotions and the whole gamut of human experience, and I am a part of that. Which means, to live, I am born new every moment. And I have to give birth to my dharmic action that moment. This is my hope, and my challenge.      

Using the public transport

It makes great sense these days to use public transport or car pool for purposes of conserving energy. We see this being promoted heavily all around us. However, I rediscovered using the public transport for several other personal reasons that for the moment beat everything else. But of course, for these uses to surface, you must put away your ipod, and any other mobile digital devices, into the deep recesses of your hand bag or pant pocket. And decide not to indulge them until you get down from the bus.  Now for some fun! 

Uses

#1 Travelling in that bus through the traffic-ridden roads of Chennai, I realised that all my tasks will have to wait. No matter how many tasks I have lined up for the day, I cannot move from my position of sitting or standing. The only task is to stand or sit comfortably. One is forced to stay with the only task that is possible in that bus then - this is great practice for staying in this moment, and staying with the people who are with one at that moment.  If it is traffic time and the bus is crowded, you can be sure that flash points are lower, irritation levels are higher and everyone just wants to get home. Or office. So for self to stay comfortable, the others around will also have to be comfortable to some extent. For instance, people may like orange marmalade to be spread out, but not you and your bags on their laps and into their shoulders. Your neighbour may not enjoy your hair flying into their face and nose, unless of course you are his or her lover which puts hair and orange marmalade in a completely different realm altogether. 

#2 Deciding that there is no better task than leaning on the pole comfortably and just being, was the best thing I could have done for my breath. It is most fashionable these days to enroll for hatha yoga or a weight reduction yoga programme or any of the numerous yoga courses advertised. For those who don't have time because they have to leave home by 7 a.m. and travel in public transport in order to reach their work place by 9, the bus is the best bet to practice some praanayama. Close your eyes, and watch your breath. Just be with it, as you take in air, and as you breathe out. You will feel your breath deepening and lengthening. Continue breathing in and out. A sudden waft of typical Chennai may assault your inhalation as the garbage lorry hurtles by; watch the stink as it hits you and then as it fades away. Similarly, watch that puff of exhaust fumes, the fragrance of jasmine flowers, sweat or any of the miscellaneous smells of travelling chennai as they pass by. They will pass, your breath will stay. Of course, with all this deep breathing, you may fall asleep. Which takes us to the next use. 

#3 Ah, blissful sleep! What one wouldn't give for those forty winks after which one is refreshed and awakened! If you've been burning the midnight oil studying, or are stressed at work, and / or going to write an exam that morning, or haven't managed to get requisite sleep for some reason or another, this is the best time to fill up your sleep quota. In fact, it is highly recommended if you are going to write an exam, nothing that you study at this point will really matter - what will matter is how clear headed you are when you sit in the exam hall, and how gathered your faculties are. And if you have been poring over your books through the night, then sleep you must. Nothing like the motion of the bus to put one to sleep. Surrender your all to the bus driver, who's ishvara for the moment, and become lolly and noddy. The neighbour may understand this phenomenon if he or she is a regular in buses, and forgive you your trespass. Else, she may herself be noddy to your lolly. Enjoy! 

#4 I nodded off a bit in the middle of my breath-watching, and got up rejuvenated in less than 15 minutes. Being just where I was, completely aware of my breath, relaxed yet alert of everything around me, my attention automatically drew into me, and who and what I am at that point - I can hear the conversation of the two teenage girls in the seat in front of mine, and my mind is responding in a certain way. Watching my response, what am I feeling then? What am I thinking? Watching the feeling, watching the thought. Just watching, the origin of that thought suddenly flashed in, and its associated experience (our minds have thoughts that are actually our opinions, or assumptions or labels and stereotypes and so on which are actually conditioned by our life's experiences and resulting emotions, fears etc. Hence much of the time, our thoughts about others are actually everything to do with us, rather than about them). I hereby declare that you could make the bus ride one of the best spaces in which to watch the patterns of your life, the patterns in your mind and become aware of your self deeply. Which will obviously have its impact on your awareness of others. 

#5 I stayed with the insight that emerged, and its consequent excitement, watched the excitement and its origin (but of course!). When I looked around at that point, the bus was crowded with ideas. There were numerous bundles of experiences-thoughts-responses in many shapes and sizes, clothed outwardly in different colours and cuts, and in constant action / motion - talking to each other, exclaiming, checking their phones every 2 minutes, smiling, shifting from one leg to another, tching, adjusting their pallu or duppatta, looking out and waiting for their stop to get off, whispering and giggling, whistling, looking into the neighbour's mobile phone, screaming at someone to move, daydreaming, nodding off(!), sightseeing out of the window, catching my eye... adding more experience-thought-response on to the basic bundle reinforcing patterns, even as I saw. The bus is an artist's idea-heaven, artist in the broadest sense possible. Just look on, without forgetting to look at your looking (that is, being aware of any judgments, any thoughts that you may have), to get fresh ideas on just about anything under the sun and beyond! 

Which brings me back full circle to simply staying here and now, with the people and experiences of this moment. I got off the bus to a whole new world, all so fresh and shiny that I could almost see dew drops glistening everywhere. And it hadn't even rained! What just a ride in your local bus can do. 

An Account of a Romantic Drive

Every moment holds romance; whether one is alive to it or not is the question. This morning I lived through yet another definition and experience of romance.

Living in and for this moment has been high up there in the last few days - one of those up phases of life which one tries best to keep being in!  Waking at 4:30 a.m. (before the alarm), having a great cup of coffee with one’s mother and daughter for company, and getting a convenient share cab to go from Tiruvanmiyur to Pondy when its not yet dawn, all keep up with the spirit. I get into the front seat of the cab, settle the daughter on my lap and we take off.

Initially I fuss around the little one knowing that she will fall asleep soon enough, moving one of her legs so that it doesn’t disturb the gears, tucking my dupatta tight over her ears, responding with a reassuring murmur to her faint protest, and shifting her weight a little bit to get both of us comfortable for the drive. I was totally absorbed in this when one of the men from the back seat called out that I roll up the windows since it would get chilly for her, to which suggestion I smiled and replied that she wouldn’t sleep at all if the windows were closed and AC on.

The man’s voice was the first sound that I heard after I got into the car. Now other sounds registered gradually. The whoosh of the wind, the sound of the car, 80s and 90s Tamil cinema music (most public transport and travels drivers on this route seem to prefer this, I wonder why now; Valaiosai… vaan megham…), the rising and falling drone of the two men conversing in the back seat dwindling very slowly, occasional drowsy voices of either of the two children with them, the whiz of vehicles going in the opposite direction, the rare blast of a horn that starts faint, builds to a scream and then fades or cuts off abruptly – all in the flash of a second on such roads (the ECR)… I became aware of all of them and yet it was not a cacophony! It may be a bit much to call it orchestra, however let me be content saying that they were all in harmony.

I then felt my daughter’s weight on me – she had been growing heavy with sleep.  At the moment that I felt her weight, I felt everything else that I could feel on my skin and physical sensations as well as taste and smell, all in a flash. The pressure of my left ankle over the other where they were crossed, the near stillness of my breath, the car seat under me and on my back, her warmth seeping through her clothes to my right palm which was on her back, the friction and scratching sensation in the crook of my left elbow which was touching something coarse on her (I think there were some threads and self design on her pants), my chilled left ear and cheek since the wind was hitting me on that side, the increasing stress in my knees from keeping them bent in the same position, the faint taste of coffee lingering in my mouth and an increasing feeling of thirst, feet going to sleep, and the smells wafting around - the faintly musty car seat, coconut hair oil, sandalwood (soap, I am now guessing), the smell of morning (there definitely is a smell to morning, sort of tangy), and other smells from outside that we passed from time to time.

 I saw the long straight road ahead beautifully dark first, lightening slowly, and turned to see the sun peeping out on my left. I felt my eyes drinking in the road and sun and everything that it was turning golden. My personal orchestra was keeping up with me as well, effortlessly.

It was a space where every sense was alive to all that was hitting that sense, and yet it was not too much to handle; not one of them pulled that sense away from this space. That is, no one was getting carried away by anything. I realised that something similar was happening in my thoughts and mental sensations as well. For instance, I turned and looked at the driver when his mobile phone rang and he picked it up. All he did was murmur that he is coming back with passengers and that he will talk later. But I picked up on his satisfaction that he had gotten passengers and he would be getting some extra income. I also noticed that he was alert and not sleepy although he had driven the night before as well to drop off people at the airport. We had with us a young and really good driver (he drove smoothly without sudden brakes and jerks and it never felt once like he was speeding, but we were achieving quite a bit of road very quickly). Also because it was early morning before traffic hours, and a Sunday.  

However, noticing these didn’t take me away from that being-alive space.  There were not that many thoughts that occurred, but when a thought did come, it came into that space, and then fell away as we drove on. I simply watched the thought rise and fall.  I was conscious of every sense and sensation, yet not getting lost in or strayed by any one. At some point the thought came that it all felt like I was making love to myself. Don’t ask me what that means really, that is just what I felt or thought. I did not think further about it or analyse.  I was simply, gloriously alive. The two-hour drive was pure romance, and I was aware of a feeling of gratitude and benevolence towards the driver and my co-passengers.